KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug I'm trying. I don't feel a huge difference, but then again I don't know that there are that drastic of things I felt I needed to change for ME (as opposed to things H didn't like that I'd change just for him). For example, he wanted me to trust him more. I don't really think he's given any more reason to trust him right now, so I don't really feel I need to become more "trusting" just to try to appease him. I know I need to con't to think about controlling things - when I was pondering dating other people the first thought that crossed my mind was "but I won't know what they've been up to or who they've been up with before they met me! I don't like it!" I think that uncomfortable-ness with knowing people may have big chunks of their lives that I'm not privy to or not a part of reflects a desire that I still have to control people/things, so I need to keep thinking about that and practice being OK without having to know every detail of what someone has done or is doing.

In my job I talk a LOT with my students about things like taking things one day at a time, not knowing how they might feel a few months or a year from now about something, that no decisions need to be made today, etc. For example, I worked with an incoming college freshman today who said "I was thinking about taking the next math class, but I don't know if I have room in four years to double major in biology AND math, so I probably shouldn't bother taking the math class if I won't be able to do that major." To which my response was, "What would be the harm in taking one class and seeing how you like it, and then deciding? It's really hard to know how things will go over the next four years. You could love it and only want to major in math. Or hate it, and then at least you could make a decision. Or we could certainly discuss a plan later to do both majors - but let's start with what you'd like to do this FIRST semester." I think I need to do better at actually taking my own advice to heart in my own life!

A general update: it's been a month now since I've moved. I feel at peace with that decision even though according to most people on this board, I shouldn't have left. I wasn't happy living with him and I couldn't really make him leave if ultimately he'll end up in the house and I won't, so it is what it is. I feel much better being able to decorate, do what I want, etc., without feeling like it's a waste of time because I might be leaving. I have not seen or talked on the phone to H since I left. We've texted and emailed some about logistics (bills, him repaying me for the furniture I had to buy, things I left at the house he found that I need to go pick up sometime, etc.) I've only initiated outreach re: logistics and finances. He has reached out twice for things I'd deem unnecessary - once to send me a picture of some patio chairs with the caption "thought you'd like the color of these," and then to wish me a good time while I was in Vegas. I don't expect much from any of that, but it's curious. Otherwise it's been pretty silent. I am curious about what he's up to and what he's working on but it's much easier to not get obsessed about it like I was when we lived together. I'm angry about all this and like a lot of us have been posting lately, have a hard time accepting that it's going to end this way (for some reason "not with a bang but a whimper" comes to mind!), without any trying or discussion besides him reading two chapters of a book and declaring we'll end up divorced no matter what we try so there's no point in wasting time and money. I feel like it'd be easier to accept if we had done months of counseling, had discussions, tried to meet in the middle, etc., and then decided to part ways when we weren't able to figure it out. But, I know that's not my choice right now, so I have to accept the reality as it is. When he comes to mind, honestly, my first thoughts are "He's a d-bag. He's not worth my time right now." I know he doesn't intend to hurt me and just doesn't have a different way right now to deal with whatever he's thinking or trying to find his happiness, but unfortunately it does still hurt in many ways - emotionally, financially, logistically.

Honestly, I miss our cat more than him right now. She stayed with him. It's kind of hard to share custody of a cat.. they don't really like being moved around. I've been thinking about getting my own cat but "our" cat doesn't get along with other cats, so me getting a cat would make it difficult for me to ever come back unless I give that cat up, and I don't really want to put a pet through that. Not sure what to do about that one, maybe it will come to me in time.

[KGirl]

I just got back from an outdoor concert downtown, and here those are generally excuses to hang out with friends and drink wine in a place you are normally not allowed to do so (outside the state capitol building - woohoo!), so of course getting a little drunk made me kind of maudlin. I ended up not timing my commute home very well so had to kill an hour while waiting for the bus, and had a FB conversation with a friend that went like the following (for background, this is one of a group of friends I met via living on the same floor freshman year of college, so we've known each other for 10 years now and she's known H just as long since we went to the same college):

Me: Did you guys see how cr*ppy he was and I just didn't?

Friend: He isn't necessarily crappy
But I did really worry about you when he repeated his same behaviors of wanting to be with others but then not wanting to lose you, etc.

Me: Am I just his perpetual plan B? Probably.

Friend: Which [censored] because you deserve to be plan A. He's not a cr*ppy person, but rather a person with the potential for good who has messed up priorities and makes poor choices sometimes. You wouldn't marry a bad person, but sometimes even good people make dumb decisions. And, in my outside opinion, he is making dumb decisions. Maybe he'll come to his senses, and maybe he won't. But I'll always worry that he'll have a "relapse" of a plan b syndrome.


I thought her response was very insightful. H is not necessarily a cr*ppy person. He just doesn't have the capacity or tools at this point to do anything different. But, this also sums up the crux of my current dilemma. Do I even bother waiting around to see if he'll change his mind or look back and want to be a part of my life now, knowing that is likely to repeat itself again? Or do I hope that it won't and not give up hope even though I may get hurt again? Is it better to cut my losses now and rid him of my life so that I just don't have to worry about this again? There are no answers, I know. But it's something I've been thinking about.

I feel stuck lately on being p*ssed about how someone can promise you they'll stand by you through the good times and bad (he wrote his own vows and that's what he put in them) and then three years later just toss that out the window with no warning. How can someone do that to another person? Maybe someone who doesn't really care about other people's feelings (like H, who has openly said he can't understand how other people are feeling and doesn't really care?) How could I get the rest of my life figured out but screw this part of it so badly? How could I have married a person who can do this, or did I somehow recognize it but chose to ignore it and still made a poor choice? I don't know. I'm sad and I'm angry still. I was reading a book recently that talked about how there is a "typical" period to be angry after a betrayal and if you exceed it it may be excessive. I'm still angry way after that period - but I kinda feel like the betrayal is ongoing, and maybe the timeline really only makes sense if the betrayal has actually ended? :S I know I'm not at a place yet where I can wish him happiness or wish him the best... I kinda hope he regrets this and it will be too late or he finds himself to be super miserable without me. I need to figure out how to get past that vengeful state. I saw the movie Maleficent yesterday and for those who have seen it, I know I don't want to end up like her - vengeful for years afterward at the expense of innocent people who had nothing to do with the original hurt!

[KGirl]

Today I'm angry again at H. When does the anger start fading? Maybe it never really goes away and pops up from time to time to surprise you? Today it came because yesterday I went to a yearly outing at a friend's family farm, and I think it is the first time in 10 years that I went without H. That was hard. Today, my MOH from my wedding is going to be in town and is going to meet up with me. She doesn't make it to town very often, and last time she did I was super excited to show her my new house and felt like all of my pieces in life had fallen into my place. Now I feel like I've taken two steps back. H is also missing out on an opportunity to see her just like he missed out on the farm last night. I made the mistake of looking at his facebook page and he posted yesterday that he was at a bar in a city 3 hours away where his friend lives. He just spent an entire weekend with that same friend two weeks ago in Chicago. I'm angry because he said he was going to use this time to be reflective and really figure out what he wanted - how can he do that if he's going out to bars and sightseeing all the time? The cat is probably very sad and lonely - I'm angry at him for wanting to have her so badly and then not being home to be with her. I could have taken her and would have relished having her here. Everything he does and doesn't do hurts lately - how do you ever come back from that to be able to have that person in your life again? What's he been doing this past month since we've been separated? Is he actually doing any work to figure out what he wants and his issues or is he just being a single dude and enjoying his time without a W to time him down?

Grrrrr. I know being in this state isn't good for me and I need to figure out how to get out of it. I guess I figured by this time I'd have some type of closure either way, but maybe the process couldn't really start until we were physically separated. I have trouble even picturing H (and the poor cat!) in my mind anymore without looking at a picture.

[Maybell]

KGirl, I feel badly if my words earlier hurt you. They weren't meant to inflict pain. Can I offer a virtual hug?

I reposted something I found on an old thread on artsy's thread. It's long so I don't want to hijack your thread but let me know if you don't see it. You may found it a little bit comforting. Stages of LBS.

Don't worry if moving out was different than the advice most people get. You did what was right for you and it sounds like it has done good things for your state of mind. Keep enjoying your own space.

One thing to think of as you prepare for your MOH's visit... Your current circumstances aren't a step backward. They are steps forward in a direction you didn't plan to take. You're doing good, important things on your new path -- relish them!!

And really, a huge, big-sisterly hug for you. I don't want to add to your pain.

[KGirl]

Sometimes things hurt for a little bit because they are true and we don't want to realize it... that doesn't mean they aren't unwelcome. So it's OK, Maybell Because I now realize I really was a plan B to him for much of the past ten years. I liked the stages post - I think I am squarely in stage 3, with glimpses of stage 4 from time to time but not really there yet.

I'm thinking about getting a cat because I really miss having a pet in my life. But, I'm concerned about what would happen if I were to move back, as "our" cat that lives with H doesn't get along with other cats. Do I act as if I'm never coming back and deal with it if and when the time comes? Do I hold off for awhile (and how long do I "wait")?

[labug]

Act as if you love cats, you enjoy their companionship and you want a cat. It doesn't have to have meaning beyond that.

[labug]

And a hug from me also ((( )))

This is really difficult for you. I get it.

[KGirl]

Act as if you love cats, you enjoy their companionship and you want a cat. It doesn't have to have meaning beyond that.

You make it sound so simple, labug! Instead I'm thinking about things like.. "well if I get a cat, I'll want to take pictures of it and post them to facebook... and then H will see them... and that may not help things because then he'll think I'm no longer interested in coming back home because I got a cat and 'gave up' on him and our cat..." etc. etc. etc. Things like this and the bill issues (which I'll get to shortly) make the limbo part hard. In some ways it'd be easier if we were D because all that stuff would be sorted out permanently and we wouldn't have to be in contact at all.

Re: bills, H was supposed to change the cell phone bill to deduct from his checking account instead of our joint checking account, since I'm still paying health insurance for both of us. A payment was posted last week from the joint account, though. I texted him to ask if he had gotten that changed and if it was still pending, and his response was just so over-the-top with excuses for himself: "Not yet. I don't know if I know the password or the website for it, but I've honestly not spent much time on the computer when I'm not at work the last month so I haven't done a few things I know I need to do. I've made sure to check or pay bills, just didn't get it transferred yet."

WTH? A simple "I'm sorry, I didn't do it yet, I'll get right on it" would suffice. Or just an apology. Or just admit you forgot. It takes five minutes to go on and put in a new checking account number. And what's up with that "I've not spent much time on the computer" statement? On the one hand, good, maybe he's finally getting over his fantasy sports and other things he used to spend hours a day on. On the other hand, my mind wanders to who he might be spending his time with that might be keeping him busy... How do you check on a bill without realizing "oh yeah, I need to change where this bill gets paid from?" H was very adament that I took care of too many things for him and he needed/wanted to do things for himself without me reminding him or taking over, but he's not really showing that he CAN take care of these things. Hence, why it seems better to just split all that stuff up so he's only responsible for his own stuff. Grr.

[labug]

It is simple, not easy sometimes, but it is simple.

[KGirl]

H texted me yesterday suggesting I might want to come pick up my growing pile of mail and other random things he found that were mine because he'd be gone until late tonight, so I went and did that right after work. From that experience I've learned that 1)I should just change my address with USPS so as to not have to do that again, hopefully, and 2) I should probably get a third party to do this for me because I really have no willpower to not snoop around the house...so, interesting things that I found:

-H had receipts and boxes and bags out for all kinds of clothes and shoes. This is not someone that cared about this kind of stuff before. He had three shoeboxes on the kitchen table. He had a clothing invoice for someplace online for ringer tees and plaid shorts - things he wore in high school but hasn't worn in years. Can you have a mid-life crisis when you're under 30? Maybe it's a quarter-life crisis?

-H was very insistent when I left that he was going to majorly clean/organize his stuff and replace everything that I was taking once I was gone. Nothing has been replaced, his cr*p is still everywhere, and the house and yard look like junk - hasn't taken care of the landscaping, cobwebs all over the front stoop, etc. Oh well. Not my problem, I guess.

-This is the one that hurts. We had ordered a variety pack of unusual condoms one time in college when we were feeling more "adventurous (:)) but it was a ginormous pack and we hardly used any of them. They're probably all expired, actually. They sat in H's nightstand, in a bag, still within the original mailing package. I will admit that before I moved I periodically checked it to see if it had changed at all. I looked at it tonight and the package was moved, and some of them were no longer in the bag but just in the mailing package. There are many explanations for this, ranging from he moved them when he was arranging other stuff or looked at it 'cause he forgot what it was, or even grabbed some to give to some friends or something because he figured he wouldn't need them... but of course my first thoughts are that he used them, with someone else. And then I panick and cry and take ten steps backwards and lose my confidence. I am pretty sure he's not sleeping with his work "friend" because she is about to have a baby any day now, though I guess it is possible... which would then mean he's just hooking up with random people he just met. Which is somehow even grosser. I know it is a lot of mind reading and I have no idea if it means anything. But right now I'm thinking - why bother waiting to see if he changes his mind? I don't know that I have it in me to believe or trust anything he says. I know I may feel differently once I feel more settled and less emotional. But I don't know how I'd ever be able to live without constantly looking over my shoulder, so why not just end it now and really forget about him in my life. Ugh. I really admire those of you who can get past the PA and still see yourself making it work. I'm hesitating even at just the thought of it, with no concrete proof.

So, things I need to do:
-download a copy of The Happiness Trap. H asked to borrow mine and rather than ask him for it back when it might actually do him some good, it'll be worth the investment to get another copy.
-re-read that and my codependent books
-get more seriously into meditation or other mindfulness practices and do it regularly/make a schedule not just randomly when I think of it
-I do not think I want to re-read DR right now because it just gives me hope that I feel is false right now.
-Go to my Zentangle class tomorrow and be present for that
-Continue my search for a good car and a good cat
-Maybe go back to IC again but I want to have some actual questions or things to discuss that are a little less vague than "what the h--- do I do?"

On the plus side, H left me some window clings in my pile that I wasn't expecting. Guess he thought I'd like those. He also didn't leave me any D paperwork or a letter saying he's decided he's done for sure, so I guess it could be worse