What to Do III

[Ben2010]

Lol yeah I think we all do that sometimes.

Thanks! Right now Im not planning anything out for the big move. Im just trying to take it one day at a time and let her gradually feel it out. I think she is pretty close to being ready to get back together but doesnt want any part of the apartment that we live in currently. I wont be pushing anything with her. Its going well right now and still moving forward.

As far as slipping back into old habits...This one will be tough, but I know I can make sure it doesnt happen. Im not at all considering myself done with working on myself. Not even close. I think that I have to keep in my mind that she is really the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that I cant take her for granted anymore. I also cant stop working on the relationship either. The thing is, she likes the new me alot, I can tell. Shes excited to be around me, maybe more so than when we first met. I want to keep that going because when I am happy its contagious and she is also happy.

I look at it like that too. I think this is really a gift from God. We have been given the chance to start again with the knowledge of the mistakes that were made in the previous relationship and work on not going down that same road.

[Thornton]

Good job man! You're definately on the right track, just keep it cool and don't spook the squirrel!

[Meghan]

It sounds like you have a great plan to work with, and are super-aware of what went wrong before and what needs to happen now. This is great to read!

[LisaB]

Hey Ben, just wanted to pop in here and say I'm really happy your story is going well and keep up the good work! Best of luck!
Hugs,
Lisa

[Ben2010]

Thanks Lisa,
I appreciate everyone's support on here. Im far from in the clear though. Have a long way to go. Happy that I can bring some hope to some of the people on here.

[rayzzz]

Wow that road home sure is nicely marked, paved, shiny with bright lights to guide your way and even a free liquor store or is that a lingerie store? Lol

So pleased with how you are gettin on and proud of the work you are doing.....as Donny Osmond used to sing in a cheesy way be a "soldier of love"
Keep militant in your changes and reap the rewards!

[Heart14]

Ben, you are giving us all hope! Keep up the good work.

[Ben2010]

Yeah thats what Im going for rayzzz. Trying to make it nice and easy for her to come back when she is ready. On another note she said that she is going to come over one day this week even if I get off late to cook me dinner and watch a movie. Im pretty excited because she is making me something I love too.

That is the idea too. Want to make sure these changes stick and be the person that I want to be for life.

[Paz2014]

Hi Ben,

I'm finally caughte up with your story. Wow, that was a lot of reading but towards the end there it felt like I was watching a love story with a happy ending. I'm proud to call you a fellow DBer and it gives me hope with my sitch. You've really come a long way especially with the porn issue...that's a toughie. I might be exposing a very delicate secrete here but women have porn issues too. Not sure if there is a whole lot of info on it but it's out there. It's just flat out poison to your M.

Sex may not be a priority for a majority of women compared to men but we too experience sexual tension and need release. I made the mistake of just peeking and then I got sucked in. Mind you it was a "once in a while thing" when we just couldn't get together. I mean he had porn in his dvd player when I first moved in. I stumbled upon it wanting to watch a movie in the bedroom but there was already a disc in. So i hit play and...hello. Daily single guy routine? It didn't bother me because I knew it was common. He just needed a visual aid. I think this is where i rationalized it in my head. I figure if he's okay with it then why shouldn't I be? So, it wasn't until he gifted me with a 2x4 that I realized that taking care of myself was relieving him of his God-given ability. I was sucking the life out of our sex life by taking things into my own hands...literally. It was a very embarrassing and humiliating discovery but since that discovery I've abstained completely. I've been better because of it.

I've experienced the same issues that you have from drastic change in behavior, changing for them, reaching out to their family, religious guilt trip, difficulty with detaching and GAL, mind reading...etc. I too found it difficult to treat my spouse like a friend. In my mind I was thinking "WTH, that's why we got married in the first place!" But as the days passed I learned more about myself from reading, listening and paying attention, and more importantly prayer than I have in my entire 33 years on this earth. I learned the negative patterns that kept resurfacing and began to understand and identify my negative behaviors of communicating and interacting. God also revealed to me that my rationalization with porn was due to deeper trust issues with men in my early childhood. I will skip the details but this is when I decided that change was for me and not for my H. Since you are a proclaimed christian, I recommend the book that Rayzzz suggested by John Eldredge called "Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secrets of a Man's Soul." Like Rayzzz says it talks about walking with integrity, delving into your deepest fears, why emasculation is so widespread, what it means to be truly masculine in God's eyes. You can love your W beyond what your human heart can fathom but only through the love of the Lord. It will also teach you how to pursue your W in the correct way because all women want to be pursued or rescued but it's in the act that makes a difference.

Anyway, so glad that things are looking up for you and your W. I hope that paved road is smooth all the way through. I appreciate your feedback on my sitch too. Keep us posted!

[Wonka]

Ben,

Wanted to drop by and say "hi!" It seems that you're DBing really well with your W. Like Thor, you are a quick study too. Keep it up, buddy.