My H's MLC #2

[Ssarah]

TL72 if it were only that easy I would have done it a long time ago but ATT won't allow me without his consent. He put a pass code on the account that we can't by pass. Both when I've gone down to the store and called information they tell me that he needs to authorize the transfer. I found out about his affair through the phone bill so he did all this to block me from seeing anything else.

[Matt165]

Hi Sarah,
You are right about the phone. I had to release my W from the plan. I would do it and she would go to the store and they wouldn't allow her. Turns out that when I called and released her, it was only temp. You only have a certain amount of time once the "owner" releases the number. Now that you have a lawyer, I think this is something he can get done pretty fast! Just have him tell H's L that you want the # released right away. HE is the one who filed, not you!

[Ssarah]

An update on my sitch... so yesterday the 3 months of complete disrespect coupled with the new things I learned made me completely lose my mind. I have to say all DBing went out the window and I went crazy. I regret so much losing my cool and giving H and OW the satisfaction they've been waiting and hoping for.. can't do anything about it now.

Here's what happened. Lately H has been growing more distant, leaving earlier and coming home later. Usually on the weekends he would hang out with the kids until 3pm or so before he went galavanting. This weekend, the weekend of his birthday, he really cut things short. On Saturday he left after 1pm and Sunday, on his birthday, he got up, "played" with our daughter for a few minutes and then showered, packed a bag and left at 11:30am. He couldn't even have lunch with his kids to celebrate with them. My daughter is at the age where she loves birthdays, loves to sing and have cake, but God forbid he didn't run to OW first thing in the morning and spend the day with her instead. So that day, against DBing rules, I snooped. I went on opentable, a website we use to make dinner reservations, to see if he had dinner plans for his birthday. What I saw instead was a 6:30pm reservation for 2 on 4/10 to a very expensive restaurant, 2 days after we got back from our adult only vacation to the Bahamas. So I checked my phone to see what if anythign was said that day. He had sent me a text saying he had a networking event that night that he had to go to. Then another text at 1:26am to turn the house alarm off that he's pulling up. So he had a nice little 7 hour date with OW 2 days after coming back from vacation with me. All of this time I discounted their relationship as nothing more than sexual and maybe a shoulder for him to lean on. I thought he was stictly hanging out in her apartment, not flaunting it and running around town with her. Now I see they were much more serious and out in the open. BD was 4/21. I was certain that up until that point it was purely an EA. Boy was I wrong.

Then, Sunday night he comes back at 2am and I hear him playing clips on his phone of what sounded like a concert. One of our favorite artists is on tour in our area and we always go see him together. This time I went with my cousin and offered to get him tickets for fathers day from the kids. He said not to that he may go with his one friend and they're going to get close up seats. Well I check stubhub and see $900 floor seats for July 5th in Philadelphia (we live in NYC). I couldn't believe it.

So Monday morning I get a text from my gf asking me how I'm holding up. I tell her I've had to 2 blows this weekend and tell her what they were.. how he was wining and dining her way before BD and how he bought her floor seats and took her on a road trip.. to which my gf responds I know I saw the video. I freaked. She said check instagram. I do and there it was 2 videos from the concert shot 3 feet from the artist. He was pretend sleeping next to me and I lost it. I turned and said "you bought $900 floor seats for OW and your flaunting it on instagram?! When are you moving out." And he ignored me. So I asked again. I kept asking until he responded. Then I said you're moving out today. And thats when everything just came out. How I'm done with the disrespect, with him coming and going as he pleases while I raise the kids, do his laundry and keep the house. That I don't want to look at his face anymore.. how I was trying to save a marriage with the person I married and not this lying sneaky scumbag. It got so heated and out of hand. 3 months of pent up frustration just oozed out of me. Despite me telling him that I will throw his things out if he won't move, I don't think he's doing anything about it still. He came back this morning to shower and get ready for work, and left with nothing again.. as if he will come back.

I'm wondering now if my days of DBing are up? If there's no turning back from this? I feel like the things that were said Monday morning, after being so good through all this, set me back to somewhere that is unrepairable. I hate that I let him make me be the bad one. I am so spent, emotionally and physically. Between taking care of my 1 and 3 year old (who both have had the stomach virus for days), work and maintaining the household physically and financially, I am just utterly drained. I seriously feel like packing up myself and my kids and just living under a rock. I'm really starting to crack under the pressure of it all.

[Georgiabelle]

Sarah,

I'm sorry you are exhausted and having a difficult time. It can be extremely draining running the house and taking care of sick little ones. I hope everyone is feeling better and that you try to relax a little (easier said than done I know). Be kind to yourself.

First, you aren't bad. You are human and reached a tipping point. Sometimes, you need to release those pent up feelings. Are you done DBing? Only you can answer that and please remember that DBing is for YOU.

I cannot tell you what you *should* do as only you can decide. However, I suggest thinking about what you want right now. Don't worry about your h right now. He's a big boy. Focus on you and your kids.

You can do this;-)

[Ssarah]

Thank you for your response Georgiabelle. If you ask me generally do you want to save your marriage? I will tell you yes. But then if you ask me if I think there's hope, I will tell you absolutely none. So then do I continue on, keeping this whole affair and what's going on in my house a secret, internalizing everything and living in a hell? I can't tell my brothers because if I do they will turn on him and he will hate me forever. Now after yesterday he has convinced his brothers that I'm just crazy and threw him out (poor him). I'm really starting to feel crazy myself. I don't know how to turn my mind and emotions off and just let things be. I'm sitting here reading old texts between my husband and myself trying to figure out where things went wrong, when this affair started and when this marriage was lost. I keep searching for these answers and I don't knwo how to stop. I just feel like I'm losing all control over myself and everything else.

[GoatGal]

Ssarah,

You need a life preserver, so I'm throwing you one---catch!!!!


No. You have NOT blown it.

Frankly, I'm amazed that you put up with this for so long. You are only human.
He is not treating you with the respect you deserve.

DBing POV: Yes. Snooping leads to this kind of thing.
OTOH, at some point you need to know whether or not you're being given the doormat treatment, and it sounds like you were.

Now you know better.

It's really going to be about the overall interactions, not just one or two big baddies.
If that were the case, there would be no one on this board because we'd all be divorced and there would be no hope...

In my case, I ran my H through the ringer with every emotion you can describe for weeks. Then the rage turned to sadness, physical illness, throwing up every time he came home.

I called him every name in the book, OW too, I cursed him, told him I wished he were dead, that he disgusted me, that I would never let him touch me again, that he was a limp-d*ck loser, sick creeper, pathetic old man, deluded, pathetic... if I thought of it, I said it.

And a part of me needed to get this out. Not all the hurtful stuff, some of it I didn't even really mean, but I wanted to HURT HIM so he'd know how I felt.

Of course, it didn't have any effect because he had no empathy and it only fueled his desire to run away.

Here's the upside though.

I found this board, changed my behavior, and although we are still "estranged", it's a lot better between us.

I think he needed to see and hear how I felt, what he did to me, even if he couldn't digest it at the time.

I was being honest about how I felt, and so were you.

I know exactly how you felt and only a saint could have looked over at him "sleeping" calmly like the cat who ate the canary and you're supposed to just suck it up and pretend you're just find and dandy.

I think at some point, it's unrealistic.

Which is why I had to get my H out. I could NOT live with him if he was going to continue doing some of those things.

It's painful,disrespectful, cruel... and it will make you sick if you allow that stuff inside.

Maybe it's best if he's out for a while.

After all, how can he respect you if now he KNOWS that you know the gory details, and here you are being all sweet and supportive?

I think you have to define exactly where your boundaries are, and I strongly suspect he just stepped over a bunch of them.

What are the consequences? What are YOU going to do in response?

He is going to continue doing whatever--but how are YOU going to handle this?

It's not the end of the world. It's just a bump. And maybe it needed to happen.

Learn from it, and draw your line in the sand.

I feel your pain. This is about as bad as it gets.

((((((Ssarah))))))'


---GGG

[Ssarah]

GoatGal, you are absolutely right. I was being too attentive, too responsive and too available for H. I was being treated like a doormat. My blow up on Monday was just me reaching my boiling point. And after Monday's anxiety and yesterday's cry-fest, I feel much saner today. It's like I had a bit of an epiphany and I see now the distance I need to keep from him. Not for him but for ME. To protect myself and my sanity.

You made me laugh out loud with your description of what you called your H because that was me on Monday. I never cursed that much in my life, never felt such rage and exploded like that in my life. I seriously was insane. The name calling of H and OW didn't stop. And that's exactly it. At this point I can't handle the disrespect anymore. The comings and goings, the posting of what he's doing, the disrespect of my kids, not spending any time with them when they crave him. Why are you here then? You want nothing to do with me or the kids then go.

[Ssarah]

So it looks like I should have gone nuts on him a long time ago because he finally spent some quality time with my daughter yesterday. I get a text midday that he will be relieving my babysitter and will be "home" until I get back from work. I came home and he was there. I did a few things and then was ready to put S1 to bed. Normally this is the time that he slithers out leaving D3 by herself in the family room while I'm up with S1. Last night, I put S1 to sleep go down and there H is cuddling on the couch with D3. I was surprised but didn't say anything. I get her dinner ready and normally (even a week ago) would ask if H wanted anything. This is another opportunity for him to run. He tells me no he's eating out and goes. This time I didn't ask hime anything. As I get something for myself H says that he's going to order something in and asked if I wanted anything. I tell him no, eat something and go up to my bedroom. The two of them ate together then his dinner came and my daughter ate some more with him. About 8:45pm I hear little feet coming towards my bedroom and hear H saying, go inside and tell mommy goodnight. He then went in with D3 and did the whole nighttime routine, getting her ready for bed, reading books and tucking her in. This was the first time in months, way before BD that he did that with D3. This used to be their sacred ritual and she missed it. He then came to my bedroom asked me something about D3, changed into sweats and went downstairs. An hour or 2 later he came back to my bedroom, told me he has the $ to pay my daughter's tuition (I've been asking for weeks and he kept saying he didn't have $) and that if it's okay he'd be staying in the guest room. I didn't say much too him, just that I didnt care what he did. He went down, turned all lights off and by 11pm, for the first time since before BD, didn't go out but instead went to bed.

Now I don't think he's a changed person. Do I think the same will happen tonight? No. But at least my daughter got one night with her daddy. One night of the old things they did.

As for me I'm trying to stay as dark as possible. Since Monday he has sent me 3 texts and I've responded to none. He just sent me one saying he'll be home to relieve the babysitter again "FYI" and I did not respond. I think I'm slowly understanding the distance I need to keep in my interactions with H and my availability. Like you said GoatGal, I think Monday did need to happen for me to let him know exaclty how I felt and to put that distance between us. Lets see how the rest of my week goes.

[Matt165]

Hi Sarah,
How did he react? Did he defend himself or his actions? I can't imagine what he could say to any of it! May be time for H to start seeing what "single" life is like. If he doesn't leave you need to stop doing things for him. He can do his own laundry, he's a big boy. If he thinks it's OK to date while married, live under the same roof, ignore his kids, well he can do things for himself. Make enough food for you and the kids and if he wants to eat, he can cook for himself. Did he tell his brothers that he was out dating other women and spending $1800 for tickets to concerts while you are left at home taking care of his home and kids? He has been cake eating for way too long. I just don't get what these MLCers think. Did he expect you to just be OK with this behavior?

You lasted way longer than I would have in trying to be supportive with the way he has been acting and the things he has been saying. Time for him to start owning his actions. To put the videos on the internet is just so awful! Don't feel bad for exploding! He needs to hear what he has become. Keep your distance, detach totally from him and his craziness. You can do this Sarah!

PS. Didn't see your last post before I wrote this one! Good for you! It's about time he started to own up to his actions. I still think everything I said above is still valid. He wants to live in the guest room, well he can do for himself!

[Ssarah]

Matt, his reaction was silence, followed by a look of shock. He tried to defend himself for a minute or two but for the most part kept asking me if we could just talk. That he will move out but that he can't right now. I just responded with more rage. That he is moving out today. That he should be moving in with OW into his dream apartment anyway. That everyone knows she exists so why not just get on with it.. wipe your slate clean and start that new life of yours while we start ours. As for his brothers, he feeds them lies and they believe him. Then they see his actions, see that he's always irratic and MIA and doubt him again, but that's when he shovels more lies down their throats.

As for the food and laundry, that's done. To clear up my post about last night, I made something for D3 and he sat with her and helped her eat (not ate together) and then H ate the food he ordered for himself. I didn't offer to make nor did I actually make anything for him.

It's really time to let go. It's time for him to go off in the world and find himself, because I'm done riding the roller coaster with him.