To get the most out of the DBing process, I'd highly recommend that you visit other threads and post there. I learn a lot by visiting various threads and gain a whole lot of perspectives here.
Perhaps I am wrong...but I don't see you posting in other people's threads. Just staying in your own thread isn't doing you a great service at all. I'd urge you to branch out a bit and take a look around.
Pick several that resonates with you and post there. You'd be amazed at the type of exchanges here when you do that.
Glad to see that you're trying really hard to see your M in a different light.
Did you know that there's a former WAW who is active here. Her name is Sandi and if my memory serves me right...she had OM for 2 years before she dumped him and went back to her H. Sandi is providing great advice around here.
I have read a lot of other posts, but haven't felt comfortable contributing much since my perspective has been a bit different than most here. But I'll try to be braver.
Just getting caught up with your posts. Thank you for sharing and really giving us LBS some valuable cracks across the heads with a 2x4...i for one really need to hear your voice here. So sorry your M has made you come to this point.
Shanti you are my WAW's doppleganger. The money issue was more sore though cause I just was inconsistent over the years providing for her, she ended up in a MLC and we separated 17 days ago (yep..i love her and am keeping track) you can find my story thread here:
soon as you speak our language "I am divorcing, leaving you" we finally listen. Does it seem fake to you ? sure it does. We have been feeding our hurting WAW ground beef for decades and when we bring out a grade A top sirloin you wouldn't know what to do with it! WE don't even know if we have bbqed it properly. My wife has said the exact same things:
"When you touch me you just make my skin crawl" "I hate coming home to you" she was deppressed this whole year and through IC realized it was "because" of me "When do I get to do something right for me (divorce)? Why do I have to suffer in this marriage so everyone else can be happy" "I am so done...this is too little too late"
That frantic needy H of yours is at a crisis point where if he plays his cards right YOU will have the husband you have always dreamed of, longed for...but he needs to snap out of his suffocating behaviours that are pushing you off the cliff, where he is expecting you to change direction in freefall!
So far we have only heard your side of the story...and not alot of things about what you need to change to fix this sinking boat. SO what are your shortcomings that have hurt him and made your H not feel like he was valued...cause maybe this may have encouraged him to listen more
If you read my story the non confrontating, no fighting communication thing played heavy into our "years of her telling me she was unhappy". Turns out she is a lousy communicator and I am a lousy listener...thank you broken family systems.
She also says she doesn't trust me anymore with all my flowery words and promises so now....there has not been any words except what I believe God has been saying to me "win her back quietly" Proving to myself I can change and then letting that benefit my world: work, church, family, kids and my W too...she will not be able to deny this. I win even if she doesnt come back and I LIKE the new me!
Will this win her back? I am building a castle with my bare hands for her to live in so that is the intention. If not? I have already had another interested beauty remark on my newfound confidence and changes...and my W would be a fool not to keep these hard earned changes.
It does sound like you do have a happy weekend with your H but you need him to do the "right things, not just the nice things". Be patient, he will get the picture that his begging, pleading, placating you isn't working and hopefully start changing tactics.
The gift of DR/DB and this community is that I have learned these two great truths:
Divorce doesn't make you happy Marriage doesn't make you happy YOU make you happy.
I hope you found my 2cents helpful and your H has an amazing woman in you...hope he can realize that so you get the love you deserve from him and the marriage you have always dreamed of.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Shanti it is great to have perspective here, it doesn't matter if you are the WAW or the LBS. we are all here to help eachother, knowledge is key and we can help eachother see things from the other point of view.
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
dam rayzzzzzzzzzz are we married to the same wife..lol you forgot to add "everything you are doing now is an act to get me back". and "why did you have to wait until now to become super husband".
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
oad, I am sure our W are partying together...but yes Shanti you do us a huge service by showing just how much crap our own W may be going through and maybe this will help us all move towards saving our M
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Thanks Rayzzz and oad. It is scary how similar WAW/LBS situations seem to be.
I can see every comment you both made from your wives' perspectives being said (or thought) by me.
Originally Posted By: rayzzz
So far we have only heard your side of the story...and not alot of things about what you need to change to fix this sinking boat. SO what are your shortcomings that have hurt him and made your H not feel like he was valued...cause maybe this may have encouraged him to listen more
I think before I try to figure out my shortcomings that may have hurt him and made him feel not valued I need to figure out my shortcomings that held me back from being happy without figuring him into the equation. I don't know that I have the energy (or motivation) to work on R right now. I need to figure out me first, without walking away or doing anything destructive to our R. And see how that fits. I think I have let his needs/wants be foremost for so long that I need to work on getting my needs/wants in a kind way, if that makes sense? And not trying to anticipate his feelings if I do this or that. Just do what I want.
Oddly enough he says he felt insecure because of my independence, but I think I lost alot of my independence over the years in trying to please him (or at least have as peaceful a home as I could manage). I'm tired of putting my wants to the side out of deference to him. It felt as if I gave, gave, gave, but never was given any, you know? If we can survive in an environment where I matter too, maybe we can do this. That's how I feel today anyway.
I need to figure out me first, without walking away or doing anything destructive to our R. And see how that fits. I think I have let his needs/wants be foremost for so long that I need to work on getting my needs/wants in a kind way, if that makes sense? And not trying to anticipate his feelings if I do this or that. Just do what I want.
Yes Shanti makes perfect sense. My WAW always said "why do i have to be the martyr? When do I get to be happy and do something for myself?" ugh. IMHO if I had known she was always taking the bullet and sacrificing herself I would've made sure I changed everything cause of course she doesn't have to be a doormat. Learning this after the fact kills me I love her so....wish I had elephant ears to have heard this!
The fact you are working on this without walking away....you are yards ahead of me and my stonewalled WAW in our separation.
Quote:
I'm tired of putting my wants to the side out of deference to him. It felt as if I gave, gave, gave, but never was given any, you know? If we can survive in an environment where I matter too, maybe we can do this. That's how I feel today anyway.
Yes your husband was certainly selfish and has taken advantage of you for years ....but if he's like the rest of us blockhead LBS..he wants to 180 that away...but IDK him... Again a huge huge regret for me after the fact. It has to be a partnership where you and H feel valued of course. In the end just like DB..it is saving ourselves which will ultimately give us any chance to save our M. One bit of advice you may find helpful is what has been a plumbline that my therapist told me: > You are each on your own journey, and your relationship is , in a > sense, on its own journey as well. It will only be healthy if the both > of you maximize your personal wellness health, that is the foundation. > From there, you both make decisions about what the future will be. > Without that health, there is no decision to make.
Keep working on being healthy,finding the real you..I will do the same and we'll see where the M goes =D From my LBS perspective you are approaching this from a good place...excited to see what kind of fruit you bear in your transformation. hang in there
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
My WAW always said "why do i have to be the martyr? When do I get to be happy and do something for myself?" ugh. IMHO if I had known she was always taking the bullet and sacrificing herself I would've made sure I changed everything cause of course she doesn't have to be a doormat. Learning this after the fact kills me I love her so....wish I had elephant ears to have heard this!
rayzzz, Your W and I could be twins. I'm sure she wasn't "always taking the bullet", but it sure does feel like it sometimes...
Originally Posted By: rayzzz
The fact you are working on this without walking away....you are yards ahead of me and my stonewalled WAW in our separation.
I don't know about that, feels like I'm frozen in place.
Quote:
....but if he's like the rest of us blockhead LBS..he wants to 180 that away...but IDK him...
He does. I just don't know that I have it in me to do this again. I don't even want to share trivial things with him, let alone things of more importance. I just don't trust him with my feelings. In the abstract it's all good, but in reality it just isn't working (yet? IDK...).
Originally Posted By: rayzzz
One bit of advice you may find helpful is what has been a plumbline that my therapist told me: > You are each on your own journey, and your relationship is , in a > sense, on its own journey as well. It will only be healthy if the both > of you maximize your personal wellness health, that is the foundation. > From there, you both make decisions about what the future will be. > Without that health, there is no decision to make.
Keep working on being healthy,finding the real you..I will do the same and we'll see where the M goes =D From my LBS perspective you are approaching this from a good place...excited to see what kind of fruit you bear in your transformation. hang in there
That is very helpful, thank you. Feeling a little frustrated today and that was good for me to read. I read your thread and am sorry you're having a difficult time with separation from your children (and they with you). That is the part that always gets me. I wish we could make their lives perfect and painfree...
Since getting DR I have been super busy and am just now starting chapter two. Anxious to get into the meat of it. :-)
It's been a bit since I've written. In that time we've had a vacation and too much time together. I was having glimmers of hope but it's more apparent that I really don't want to be married to him. But I really fear for my children's well being if we divorce, and dealing with their absence during shared custody freaks me out. I just don't trust him with my vulnerabilities. How do I do this and make everyone ok?
Ugh. Feeling very negative right now...
Haven't made much progress in reading DR. Should probably get back to that. Is there a chapter on stopping the mind from circling? ;-)
