Something else that is kind of helping me out. On one post I heard focus on her flaws, to help get rid of the good. It's not so much the flaws I'm using, but the things that I think were not right. We have 2 dogs, she wanted them just as much as me, but wouldn't take care of them. Stuff that I know goes against what I really want out of my life.
This also helps me to look at me and what I did that I didn't like and maybe even her. Identify the problems for me. Is it hard not to think about her yes, but I have to help myself out. I'm not scared to be here anymore. I want to feel some joy.
A lot of people in my life have been encouraging me to do the same, particularly when I'm blaming myself, or being blamed by H. Yes, I contributed to this, and there were a lot of things that I could have done a whole lot better. I have a much clearer read on those things right now, which means I can deal with them
But the truth is that there were two of us in the relationship, and there were a lot of things wrong on both ends and, consequently, in the marriage as well. Many of the issues fed on each other. I'm starting to identify more clearly what those things are, often by talking it out with friends and family who know about the situation, and it really is a two way street. Right now I'm having near-daily realisations about the marriage, but also about who I am and who I want to be.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I know it's just hard to set and do nothing. Different note, I did go to a Drive In last night and watch Dawn of the planet of the Apes and Transformers, double feature, both were pretty good movies. It was super late getting home though, I literally feel like a bum today!!! But very worth seeing both.
Another little bit, I was watching something on tv this morning and the show changed to a marital show. They did a exercise where they put one spouse on the slab in a morgue, accidental death, tell them what you would say at this point. I just lost it at that point. I was cleaning my house and wasn't paying too much attention until that happened. Holy cow your emotions are tough to struggle with.
Today she texted me something about not being able to pick up girls until late this week at drop off. For the first time in a long time I didn't just reach and text something back. In fact I think I am just going to ignore it, the last thing I said to her was she you Wednesday. And I have a schedule and know where the girls are going to be, and her crying emoticon that was added just doesn't make me want to deal with her stuff at the moment. If you are crying and sad because you can't see the girls, come and work things out to make it better, instead of trying to vilify me, and put all the pity on yourself.
Lately she has been very emotional about not seeing them enough, but wants me to pick them up early yesterday, and she is going out of town for three days this weekend, and I can't help the fact she chooses to be this way. I can just ignore the emotional stuff, and act like everything is rosy, which for me it is getting there every day. I am actually proud of myself for trying to stand for me and the kiddos.
So I thought about that, and texted her back okay let me know on time to meet. Nothing else, was that the wrong thing to do? It was about the kids, and not about her. A couple of weeks ago I would have reacted differently to crying emoticon, but not even a mention of it. I think right thing to do and then leave it alone, especially since she never texted back, mind you it was a few hours after her initial contact, but okay!!
So she texted today about D's dance class, she working won't be able to make it. Trying to keep dim, one word answers, but I ended with have a good day, she texted back will try, going to try and work and work on homework too!! I said hope it goes well for you. That was it. Is that really going against the no contact rule, or is it okay to try and keep at least a little bit of something there?
Having what I think are mini panic attacks lately. I am on anti depressants, but feel good only on a day to day basis. I just need to find something to click my mind away from the stich. I have been trying a few things, putting up a stop sign in my mind, that has helped a bit, read it somewhere on here in a thread. Also trying to focus on the good in my life, kids, job, weight lose, better health lately. I think it's just finally everything on the inside is coming to a head.
Had a convo with my mother the other day, and she said she thought I would divorce her before she would me, because I would just get tired of waiting. I think that part of the panic stuff lately. Thinking about that, and how that may have been the old me, want it now or nothing, no patients at all. Not what I want to be though. So actually giving me thoughts of just not giving up but continuing on. Only have to think of me and not the W in this case. Will get better just take time.
The W called for the girls, and has to be on speaker for the little D. She said I love you and miss you to her, and I almost lost it. Felt like a knife tearing through my heart and my guys are turning inside out. I am never going to get over this, it's been so long already, and I can't shake it totally. I have to keep trying, I went outside to cry so the D's wouldn't see, but it's hard to face them. The fact that they are hurting and I can tell, is killing me. Who wants this for there kids? Why do we do these things to hurt each other? Ugh!!!
Keep strong Roid. I know it's hard. God, some days I feel quite good then, BAM, it hits me like it has you. While I can't offer you advice all I can say is that I'm thinking of you my friend!
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
bashy is right. It is hard, but really focus on detaching. The stop sign in your head is a good start. If your W's voice hurts when you hear it right now, go into the other room. Or at the very least, focus on something else and do not listen.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I have all these feelings of disgust for what I did, my part of the M disaster, and just want to make it right. I have an overwhelming desire to fix what I did. Do others have that as well? I guess it comes from realizing what you did wrong and why, the self discovery phase. It's hard to because you want your OS to see the same things, but know they can't and may never get there. It's not easy, and maybe even not fixable, but I can actually see feel and touch the problems, and think to myself I can fix these, they are totally fixable.
Is that the wrong form of thinking? Should I tell myself they are not fixable, and will never be able to be done right? Hard stuff indeed
