Your H may actually really want to work this out but is afraid he F'ed up to much and cannot see how you would ever forgive him. But Zues is right, you HAVE to step back from him so he can really see what life would be like without you.
I do believe this is true. When H and I discussed working on our M, he conceded that we could probably make a better M and life together. He just didn't think I could ever truly forgive him for what he's done. I had told him previously that cheating was a deal breaker for me. This was before I was actually in the situation and realized that the A is partially a result of things that were missing in our M. It doesn't excuse the choice, but I don't feel like it means we have to be done either.
I am struggling with detaching while we share the same home and sleep next to each other every night. It's easier during the work week because now I don't typically text or call during the day unless it's about S2. I told him I'd give him some time to think about whether he wanted to move out for awhile. Since I did that, it seems like I should just completely back off and stick to doing my own thing at night. Does anyone have any actionable suggestions for detaching without being S?
My mom is seeing a lot of the negative choices H is making right now. I've told her that while I don't agree with what he's doing, I'm committed to fighting for our M and making it stronger in the end. She says she supports what makes me happy, but I don't really feel that in her conversations/actions. She flat out told me she didn't think H loved me anymore. That hurt. I told her it wasn't our place to judge him for his actions and that he's the one responsible for owning them.
I did see a movie last night. It was funny and I was grateful for the laughs. H met me at the door when I got home and asked if I like it. That was nice.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
heart, your story resonates with me, I completely understand your fears, and I also know how hard it is with a little one(try 3 yr old twin boys!) hang in there, your h sounds conflicted and confused but it sounds positive too, he is willing to talk to you, and you are communicating with each other, that's pretty big. my h also said to me that he didn't think we could come back from this(his a-still don't know if it was a pa with s, or an ea) I wish I had of found this forum a lot sooner, a lot of the damage that I caused wouldn't have happened, you are in a great place here, big hugs
I'm having a hard time today. I feel overwhelmed by this weekends revalations. I know we don't need to make any rash decisions. A part of me wants to say cut it all off with OW or get out of the house though. Technically, I already said that, but I told him I'd give him a little time to figure it out. How long do I wait before addressing it again?
I know there are no fast fixes for this situation and I truly do want to make it better. I will work on acknowledging his positive actions and listening when he engages me in conversation. Other than that, I think I can only focus on things that make me smile and take time to enjoy my life. Some days the pain is just consuming. I need to really work on stopping those negative emotions. I don't want them to drain my happiness.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could not seem to shut my brain off. I'd like some advice on separating. I'm thinking that if H stays out late Friday and/or doesn't come home, I'm going to ask him to leave for awhile. This is going to be painful and I know it's risky. He may not come back. I fear if I don't do it that he'll keep stringing both of us along. I'm certainly not okay with that for the rest of my life. He's traveling some this week, so my plan is to not email, text or call except in response to his. When he does, I'll keep mine pleasant, but brief. Hopefully I'm strong enough to do this.
Thoughts on whether this is a good plan or not?
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I know how hard it is when your mind won't switch off especially at night, I've taken to wandering the house like a crazy cat lady some night lol, and the nights when the boys aren't here and relaxation mp3s don't work, I get up, make myself a cup of tea, get on here, or do some laundry, there is no point, in my mind, lying in bed, with my mind spinning. just thinking about you possibly asking your h to move out if he stays out all night Friday, give yourself some time to really think about this, you said your h is travelling a bit this week, give yourself the time while he's not there, to solidify your thoughts. I completely agree that he can't keep both you going while he decides, and I know how awful it feels, just try to make a decision that won't cause you to backpedal. I know that sounds vague, but I, effectively gave my h an ultimatum and it backfired, and it really kills me. big big hugs, feeling your pain...
MLP, thanks for the confidence boost. I often feel like I have no idea what the right move is. I do try and think about whether my comments will help or hurt before saying them though.
Thanks for the positive thoughts Watto! I don't want to regret it either. I will definitely think about it more while he's gone. I fear that he won't or can't make a decision while he's still in the house. I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I do want to give him the opportunity to realize what he's losing.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I totally understand what you are saying about separating. I wonder about it myself, and it sounds like it's something that can work. We haven't done it. I really wonder if I should have done it months ago....
But - I also think that you have time to decide. If he's traveling, you can use that time to decide as well.
I agree, there is time to decide. I could always ask him to sleep on the couch if Friday is bad. He is traveling most of next week too. I could even give myself that time. I have such conflicting emotions in my head right now. I want to detach more and see if things improve. I guess the next two weeks give me that. Back to reading DR and trying to focus on my solutions instead of these problems.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
It's crazy how my feelings are shifting today. I talked to some friends who've also dealt with A's in their M. It was nice to get validation that it's ok not to give up yet. I want to keep standing until I feel that I've done everything I can.
Putting S2 to bed tonight, I was reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. We were reading a book that mentioned a kiss; he hopped out of his chair and said "I give mama kiss" and then proceeded to kiss both my cheeks. That little man melts my heart.
H is out of town so we've texted a few times. Nothing special. Mostly just enjoying catching up on relaxing and journaling tonight. Heading to bed with a very positive outlook this evening. Small steps!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
