Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

Thanks Pilot. 2x4 upside the head.

The other thing that has been bugging me. She went to the mountains for her birthday, rented a B&B. And I'm pretty sure brought her new man there. 4 days of romance

It hurts. It really hurts. I know I need to continue with my 180's. I and read that she will see eventually (though her moving 1800 miles away makes it harder) my 180's and changes. I know that these rebound relationships are shallow and meaningless. But I just can't get it out of my head.

I can't get it out of my head that I was replaced. That I wasn't a good enough husband, that I am a bad person, and I don't feel worthy of love.

[pilot]

The other thing that has been bugging me. She went to the mountains for her birthday, rented a B&B. And I'm pretty sure brought her new man there. 4 days of romance

Pretty sure? You are putting images into your head that are not going to do you any good. Maybe she did, maybe she didnt. What difference does that make towards working to make a better you? Your fear of what she is doing or who she is with is keeping you from detaching. Believe me, and I cannot stress this enough....but DETACH. If you spend your time worrying about what she MAY be doing, you are going to give yourself an ulcer and you will have a much much harder time making any progress at all.

It hurts. It really hurts. I know I need to continue with my 180's. I and read that she will see eventually (though her moving 1800 miles away makes it harder) my 180's and changes. I know that these rebound relationships are shallow and meaningless. But I just can't get it out of my head.

I know it hurts. Everyone on this forum has felt the exact same pain you are feeling now. The difference is many of us have learned to DETACH. It does not mean our spouses actions do not mean anything to us anymore, it is just that we chose not to focus on them. And our days are now spent not hurting, but healing, and improving ourselves so we have the best opportunity in our future relationships (possibly even with our spouses)

I can't get it out of my head that I was replaced. That I wasn't a good enough husband, that I am a bad person, and I don't feel worthy of love.

How do you think your spouse felt for the longest time? Think about that. The pain you feel now is a condensed version of what she probably felt for a long long time. And finally, she broke. Spending your time on on these thoughts is counter productive. Forget the past. You have identified what you need to work on, so do it. You say you were not a good enough husband? Well, become one. Dont just moan about it, be it. You are a bad person (not likely)? Then become a good person. You dont feel worthy of love? Then convince yourself you are worthy of only unconditional love. I am not trying to be harsh, I am trying to get you to understand what took me forever to understand. Detaching means not spending your days dwelling on negatives. You pointed out a list of things at the end, well, do the 180s. Change those things. Nothing will happen unless you make it happen. Your W will not come back to the same old M or same old you. Make the changes, and become the person only a fool would leave. It is not a race, it is a marathon. It will take time and more patience than you ever knew you had. Start with small steps. Do not get discouraged when things do not seem to move in a positive direction right away. Look for small signs of improvement, and build on those. You can do this. You are just in a place we all came from. It is hard, and we all understand. We just want you to know it does get better when you work to make it better.

[BigMac]

Thanks Pilot,

I am going through the pain of detaching. 2 weeks into the separation I went to this hippy commune with no internet and got detached. But then fell into the trap of social media, email, phone records, finding credit card statement, pill wrappers (laxative abuse).

I got all wrapped up in her again. Even the obsession with all the self help books, and intensive therapy was this race to make myself better before she was supposed to come back from Austin to start working on stuff.

Well, she didn't come back. So now, I'm having to fully detach. It is hard, there is a physical response that happens. And as I start to peel the onion back, and analyze whether I want vs need her, I worry that me being independent will not want her. So, then my only option in my head is that well, continue forward with the divorce.

I think I am starting to realize that there is a third option. I am not dependant on her love, but that allows both of us to find a new friendship, to maybe generate a partnership when she jumps off her crazy train / MLC / whatever she is on.

A little nugget from yesterday. I got D16 a bunch of books for her birthday (which is today I just have to fly for work) and she is still all pissy and moaney, so didn't even say thank you. But she did reply to me in the hallway later which was good.

I took my S8 to Great America with some friends (after he had his FIRST SLEEPOVER!!!). It was great to actually be there for one of his firsts, and we had a great day at the park, just being a normal dad and son. My thoughts did keep getting drawn back to W that day, but I had to remind myself to live in the present. All and all, while I am a little sunburnt, it was a good day.

An important thing happened though on the drive out. S8 asked me if he could choose what parent he lives with. That is a huge thing for me. I am a good enough dad that my Son would want to be with me vs his mother. I hate to say it, but I got a little boost from that.

So this morning, I had to get up at 4:30 to catch an early flight for work. I hugged him and told him I love him on my way out the door.

The important thing was, that I had realized last night, as I was snooping that I did have no idea what was actually happening. It could be that she went with her stoner friends and got high all weekend in the cabin (she ended up posting pictures to FB).. though it did look like there was only one bed. She could be just using him for a summer fling, or madly in love.

Either way, it is out of my control. And I have to basically act like she died (which the real loving her is dead, or at least buried so deep that it can't get out).

I have to move on. I get that now. And only then will I ever be ready to actually have a relationship with my W.

That is mindblowing for me. If only I can keep it up.

[Thornton]

The Language of Letting Go by Melanie Beatty. Check it out.

[BigMac]

Big day for me today on my GAL strategy. I'm traveling for work, at a leadership team offsite (two days straight).

This is the first full days that I have worked in roughly two months. I know it sounds stupid, but I haven't been able to concentrate, and have been distraught.

But, I am engaged, leading where I need to, and frankly to busy to obsess.

So far so good.

[BigMac]

Ok, another big step. I just "unfollowed" the W on Facebook. She won't see that I unfriended her, but I won't see her in my timeline.

One step at a time.

[BigMac]

I just downloaded it. I like how there is one devotion a day. I'll be reading it each morning.

[BigMac]

Just got a contact from the wife. Apparently she forwarded all of our mail to her new place, and has been getting my packages.

She is going to bring them out to portland for the conference next week.

The tone was chipper, thought yet another short call. I did remember to end the call first, and tell her to call me back tomorrow when I have more time.

I did accidentally lay one small guilt on her, since me not getting my mail caused some major issues for me. But if figure that is a slip, and I should just ignore it for the next time.

Baby steps right?

[oad]

yes mac..baby steps. we are on a long journey, some of us will be rewarded with our marriages returned others will be rewarded with finding ourselves and the right spouse...either way we win..keep truckin!!!

[Nettles]

What are you doing to work on how you feel about you? You can't be loved until you love yourself.