Hurt and Confused 2

[bashy]

I agree with Zew. Get time with those kids!

[oad]

thanks guys!!!I agree..think ill do some spear fishing in the morning.

[bashy]

Hi oad. Could u look at my thread. Any advice would great. Thanks my friend

[sandi2]

I think you need to be gone........and stay out late enough that she has had time to unload and the kids have had time to rest or unwind from the trip. ( I don't know how far they had to go.) Depending on time she gets in as how late you return to the house. You may even consider going home really late, but whatever you want. Just remember, , whatever her mood, it doesn't sway you from enjoying yourself with the kids (if they are still up when you get in.)

About the in-laws..........I'm sure they mean well. However, if her dad is taking up for you and trying to get her to listen to reason, he could be hurting the cause. It varies, and depending on his personality and relationship with his daughter. It would be best all the way around if the relatives would just stay out of it. But all you can do is not say anything to him about what you are doing (acting indifferent, DBing, etc.) or what you want to see happen or how you feel. B/c he very likely could relay that information to her, not meaning anything but to help, but you can see how that would mess things up for you.

So, you kind of have to play the "neighbor" role with relatives until this is all settled. If her cousin wants to meet with you, and you want to hear what it is he thinks you need to work on......then meet him for coffee somewhere and let him talk. But don't reveal anything to him, either. Just tell him you'll take into consideration what he said. And, being in a public place, you could excuse yourself if needed.

It's hard when the relatives are close. And you may have to tell them that you love them for their concern, and appreciate the prayers and encouragement, but that you may have to step back a bit until this is all over. Just assure them that your feelings for them have not changed, but that it's not really fair to them, her, or you to get them involved in this painful decision you and the W have to make. I think that would be a safe way to state it, but you may know a more tactful way to express it. Of course, some folks don't get the hint very well and keep involving themselves anyway. But that's about all you can do from your end.

[sandi2]

Oh, and to clarify about you being gone when she gets home.......it is not to punish her. It is not to look like a jerk. Nothing attractive in a punitive jerk. It is for space and you GAL. (So make that time count).

As I said previously, depending on time she gets home, but if it falls just right, and she texts you to let you know they are home........you may even stop and get carry out food for their dinner. You be the judge if it feels right at the time. But if she seems to have a piss attitude, then I say stay out till she calms down. Don't offer yourself up for a sacrifice.

Be mysterious about your GAL, if she asks questions of your whereabouts when she was unloading the car. But appear very pleased with yourself. Not giddy, just pleased.

It's a careful balance in some of these things. I don't want anyone (especially a newcomer) to misunderstand the reasoning behind my advice. I forget to to state it sometimes.

[oad]

I think I know the reasons behind your advice....you were once there. Its how you thought at the time, and why I appreciate soooo much your insight. Its almost like a chance to see what she is thinking, without you sandi2 I would have never guessed and made things much worse.

[oad]

oh and also, my FIL, stopped talking to her a month ago, he said there is no more he can say or do, if she wants to jump into this decision then let her do it. He told her that he feels she is making a huge mistake. He only hears tidbits from what W tells her mom. He wants to help me "Win her back".

[oad]

well I wasn't home when W returned. I ended up showing up at night, she offered a beer and I said no thank you, she asked my plans for sunday and I said not sure but I have plans...then she asked who is coming with me and I responded a lot of people. Yesterday she wanted to go to our daughters cheerleading practice

here is where I fudged up all the ground I gained...I told her lets all of us go together then have dinner...she said she was going to go earlier and hang out with the other moms(friends of ours). so she said for me to meet her there later...so I told her if she was going to do her thing with the other moms I would just do my thing and meet up at night at the house. So later on she asked if I wanted to eat there with the girls, I went we had some beers and she really didn't talk much so I just did my thing with the girls and left...today is dead quiet, I felt like she began to ignore me later in the night...I feel I may have stayed to long and she realized she still has me there...time to detach and continue being indeferent...man this is hard to do sometimes...urghhhhhh

[oad]

I also found out that people are starting to think that she is exaggerating how bad the marriage was. They are starting to tell me that they don't believe what she is saying on how horrible the marriage was for her...why do these WAW rewrite the marriage and turn you into their enemy and blame it all on you???

[rayzzz]

I hate that MLC script too oad. Again from reading those threads cadet put up it seems they just have to justify why they get to go through a metamorphosis...and stoning the one they once loved gives them free justification. AT least the people in your circle are not buying it. Better not to stew in this frustration (dude i was there most of last week!)..I keep moving onto forgiveness for WAW doing painful things to me, reminding myself that i still love her and then detach away with a back up GAL. Ok we're here for you man so just vent here and keep your head high...it ain't over yet pal.