If night time seems to be the time that you have these sort of encounters, then best to just steer clear of them. No sense in putting your foot in the bear trap when you can see it sitting there clearly in front of you. I know it's so easy to want to try and fix the situation with your words, but you just can't. This isn't about you. It's about her and unfortunately, the only person that can change that for her is herself.
One thing that I had to unlearn was asking W if she was "ok" or what was wrong. That only made things worse because it comes off as trying to fix the situation. My W told me shortly before BD that if she was in a bad mood, just let her be in a bad mood. If her day is ruined because of her bad mood, then that's her fault and she's the one that misses out. I think that this may be a good approach for you. If you sense she's in a bad mood, just stay away from any sort of questions about her mood. Let her be in a bad mood. It's not your job to fix it right now. I bet it would surprise her for you to not ask and it will help you detach.
If you sense that she's in a bad mood, say your "good night" and then politely excuse yourself to your room or wherever you would like to go that keeps you away from that situation or opportunity to talk (without telling her where you are going). Too much R talk like this is like reopening a wound that's trying to heal and possibly digging it a little deeper.
May I also suggest to stop bringing up religion with her. MWD tells us that a lot of what we do in DB is experimentation. Try something, see if it works. Good - keep going. Bad - stop and try something else. In this case, religion seems to be falling under the bad response category. I know that may hurt you because it seems that your faith is important to you. That's the key - it's important to you. Right now, it's not important to her. Telling her that people from church miss her, that's she's running from God, etc. she doesn't care. In fact, from what I can read, it's just making it worse. You are pursuing with this experiment and it's making her push away more. If she is going to a new church now, then you just have to let her. If things in your R improve to the point where you are both on the same page, then you can have that talk or it may become important to her again. But for now, don't touch that red button because truly nothing good is coming of it.
The biggest and best thing that you can do here is to detach! It's HARD! I know that I struggle with it. Just when I think I'm on the right track, something happens that causes me to re-evaluate how well I'm actually detaching. Right now, you sound VERY wrapped up in what she is doing, where she is going, the current status of her faith, what she is reading, music she is listening to, etc. Where in all that mess is there room for you? What are you doing to improve you? What are you doing to improve your relationship with your children? How are you becoming the type of S only a fool would leave? Certainly not by lobbing shells at her about religion and the A.
Tell us what you are doing for you. What is one thing that you've always wanted to do, but just haven't gotten around to doing it? Is there somewhere you would like to go? A hobby that you've always wanted to pick up? What about working out? From personal experience, there's no better pick-me-up than a good workout. Work off that frustration and get fit in the process!
Whatever it is, you've just got to get out of her hair and out from underfoot. No more religion talk, no more R talk, no more talking about why she's angry. Just pretend that those things are that proverbial red button that's going to end the world. If you start to get an itch to press that button, recognize it, and go find somewhere else to be. From this point on, you do not appear to be concerned about her business. It's natural to be concerned because you love her. Write about your feelings in a journal that you keep hidden in a place only you know and can find or a private blog that only you have the password to. The less you focus on her and more on what you can do to improve you, the happier you will be and eventually, she will take notice.
You can do it - you just have to take the first step.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Last night was such a disaster. We have always in past came to more calm when talks became attacking. Last night that didn't happen. Didn't Want This Sunday Morning To Have argument lingering. I stopped in and told her I was sorry for trying to fix her with all the books etc. She said well 95% of what is in the book applies to everyone. I didn't say anything in response. She told me to get some sleep. She brought up living arrangements etc. Attorneys, cost etc.. she said she had her attn.throw out annulment because she didn't think we could agree on anything. She said she had him draw up divorce paperwork. She said well it will cost us $20k. Because of my unwillingness to cooperate. I let her spew.I think she is trying to intimidate me. In our state d is filed nothing takes place. 90 to 120 says initial hearing etc. We talked about $$$ she thought she would get apt. We split 50 50 parenting . I asked how job prospect was going , she is talking about going back to school ..we talked about how much we spend a month on living expenses, about $5k. A month. Anyway apartment living would be huge adjustment for her and kids from a 4000.Sq ft home on 5 acres. A couple things she has mentioned to me she has admired about me is stability and provider, she has been cakewalk in last 6 months big time. Anyway I took boys to church, she went to pick daughter up at freinds from sleep over. I texted her after church to let her know I was taking boys for breakfast. She called and said she would join us. Had a really nice time at resteraunt where owner knows us. Went home after church. Wife boys to pool, daughter and I stayed home. She did tell me this am that she has been depressed last 2 yrs. I did say do you think this is path to take. Not much response.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Last night was such a disaster. We have always in past came to more calm when talks became attacking. Last night that didn't happen. Didn't Want This Sunday Morning To Have argument lingering. I stopped in and told her I was sorry for trying to fix her with all the books etc. She said well 95% of what is in the book applies to everyone. I didn't say anything in response. She told me to get some sleep. She brought up living arrangements etc. Attorneys, cost etc.. she said she had her attn.throw out annulment because she didn't think we could agree on anything. She said she had him draw up divorce paperwork. She said well it will cost us $20k. Because of my unwillingness to cooperate. I let her spew. In our state d is filed nothing takes place. 90 to 120 says initial hearing etc. We talked about $$$ she thought she would get apt. We split 50 50 parenting . I asked how job prospect was going , she is talking about going back to school ..we talked about how much we spend a month on living expenses, about $5k. A month. Anyway apartment living would be huge adjustment for her and kids from a 4000.Sq ft home on 5 acres. A couple things she has mentioned to me she has admired about me is stability and provider, she has been cakewalk in last 6 months big time.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
wife took daughter to friends for rib fest last night. she then called and said she was going to go back to rib fest with daughters friends. she asked what I was doing, I said boys were eating. I then took for ice cream, we drive by other mans home and I notice wifes car in his garage. I sent her a text and said I saw her car in his garage. she tried calling, I didn't answer. she stopped me on way out this morning! said she stopped to congratulate him on softball season. I told her I was exposing her affair today. I was going to let his ex-wife know! our children as well. she said she will tell daughter, to come home now! I told her I will not allow this to go on anymore! The kids have been a wreck and so has she. she blames this on me for not helping with a D> I told her she has been talking about it for months. I told her she needs to address this with a psychologist and that I would not take no for an answer her plan to hook up with this guy after D is fine but kids are going to know I will not lie or cover up for her any longer. I am going to expose it! So what if we end in D she needs to see first hand impact and damage on kids
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
reconsidered position and telling her to move out in next few weeks. I am taking the high road. I cant allow my kids to suffer anymore. they start school in 4 weeks. I don't need to run her under the bus about ongoing affair. she has to sleep with that on her mind. she can get apartment and move out in next few weeks. find a place that kids can stay in half time.. I will stay in home and get it ready to sell.i am not giving up on DB but this is necessary for my sanity.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
Truth, wifes plan all along, taking kids around m this winter. Truth never lies. They will no father has values and morals unlike wife. Also A will not be hidden.but I am going to take hi road and time will expose truth.no need to run w under bus. She has to sleep with what she has done.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
ladbug, they will here it from someone. why lie to them. I know I am torn with this decision. w called me this am wanting to know when we could talk. frankly this w has hurt me and lied to me enough for 2 lifetimes. I don't think I can take anymore anguish
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
It's hard to deal with a person who is addicted to affair. It's like a drug. She can only medicate rt now with this drug. My kids are a wreck. I don't want her to leave but think it may help her see what she is doing. Being by herself in an apt.may be what she needs rt now. I won't let her drag me into this mudslinging any longer.
M 54 W 48 T 19 M 17 D 12 Twin S 6 Twin S 6 Ilybnilwy 1/26/14 A discovered 2/3/14 D filed 7/25/14 Sumons served 8/14/14
