Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[Zues126]

Big Mac, I wish you strength and resilience to get through your journey. I have no wisdom to offer, just compassion and support. But you MuST be strong on your own.

One thing the DB challenges is what you would do if your W passed away. She wouldn't want you to be a shell, so while you would grieve her and always have love for her and feel that loss, you would have to keep living. Think of what you would do in that case and do it.

It's so important. Don't worry about if every change is something your W asked for during the R. Someone else pointed out if the only changes you make are those that she wanted they will appear suspicious and manipulative. Be the person god wants you to be.

Hang in bud and don't make any life changing decisions when you're emotional. Just learn more about who you are, learn to love that person, and be your best self. Take care my man.

[sandi2]

I am worried that I am just distracting myself, vs healing

.

You have to detach in order to heal.

I am scared that if I see her for how she is really acting that I won't want her back.

I don't understand that line of thinking. Why worry you might not want back? I mean, if you didn't want her, then it wouldn't hurt. Right?

[BigMac]

Pilot what is 2x4?

[BigMac]

I don't know whether it hurts because I love her, or because I'm co-dependant. And if I get back to the point where I can be strong on my own, then I will understand that she is plaugued by compulsive disorders, that I don't have the power to change.

I am realizing now that I never had a chance to "fix" her compulsive disorders. And I need to get I the point where I have faith that something g or someone or maybe even she will heal herself.

So, I'm realizing that while I wasn't great to her, she wasn't great to me. And in the vacuum of communication I am not sure she will ever change.

And if that doesn't happen, then I am a single dad forever ....

[Meghan]

BigMac - these are some big realisation to deal with, but I think they'll help you in the long run.

You're not responsible for her, or for fixing her. This is a road she's going to have to walk alone and figure out for herself. While you've contribute to your R issues (and good on your for recognizing that so you can change things going forward), she has too.

It's a good thing to realise that she might never change. She might, of course, but she also might not. It hurts to know this, but it gives you some freedom to start moving forward and detaching, which are powerful steps to be able to take. If she does change, great. If she doesn't, you'll still be further ahead and making a good life for yourself.

[BigMac]

Is it bad that some part of me deep inside yearns to need her, broken and all?

[BigMac]

And after 14 years, I have the guilt of for better or worse, sickness and health, to death do us part.

Both of got sick in different ways. I'm getting through the mental block of helping her is not helping her .....

[Thornton]

That's your codependence talking to you. I struggle with the same thing but have been working on it in therapy. We've been talking a lot about healthy vs non-healthy attachment styles.

IC also said that as humans we need other people because we are social creatures. But when it becomes obsessive, that's when it gets unhealthy.

I know you've been reading Codependent No More. I would also recommend the daily reader by Melanie Beatty, it gives you something to focus on each day and is really helpful for me.

[BigMac]

Thanks Thornton

I finished co-dependant no more. It's a really great book and highlights probles that I encounter. It also follows up quite well to no more mr nice guy (about men who become co-dependant after being raised by single moms.

Is this the book that you are referring too? - http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Heart-Dail...=Melanie+Beatty

You are probably right, my co-dependance is shining through. I'm doing whatever I can do to break it. It does take time and self discipline. The biggest thing is actually realizing that I can't fix the W. That she has a sickness (just like I have mine). That she has to realize she has a problem, and have the realization that her compulsive disorders hurt her and the family. Realizing that there is nothing I can do, but stay away to have that happen is very hard.

And then, having the 2nd realization that if she doesn't realize she also needs to fix herself, that I may have to serve papers just to protect myself and my kids from the effects of her ... well .. her.

It is a horrible feeling. The feeling of begging wanting needing longing for her to say something, and the knowledge deep down that she most likely wont, and that no matter what I need to move on to heal.

[pilot]

a 2x4 here is when someone says something to you which may hurt or you may not want to hear, but is meant to help you get back on the right track. We all get them!

think of a 2x4 piece of wood and someone whacking you in the back of the head with it