the kids' ages - you sure have your work cut out for you. maybe since i don't have kids and nobody relies on me (since mom is dead - big ole nobody) - it's wierd.
i th ink i need to be part of something- but nothing to be part of. oh well.
i particularly like
Quote:
I set a goal for myself to return to whom I used to be. Devoted, dedicated, kind, organized, dependable.... Day after day, I rise higher and higher
i'm glomming onto that and making it mine. i've been trying like mad to be similarly the woman i WAS. IT'S hard to treat him like i am that old person. he is not that old person he was. i'm trying hard not to be wiseguy defensive jerk-
i'm not sure if i can- but in general in life i'm trying to just get back to being me and on good footing with world. . there's alot of anger aand bad ju ju around me here- my family- this estate - mom's death, etc.
i kn ow diving in and BEING like them- with the fighting, etc. is not the answer. two wrongs don't make a ri ght- did your mom say that???? mind did alllll the time.
i'm trying man- i agree that in my life - the bomb and this dbing is worst thing i've ever done - endured- etc. wonder where and how it will end=-
to be continued
xxoo okay day today too - so grateful for that. roof guy fixed my leak and so, rest of day to tidy up or die. i'm sick as heck of all my "stuff" here- fingers crossed for a BIG effort of some sort and a big blob of something heading out the back door - forever. fingers crossed.
Nero, I feel your pain. At the worst moments after BD I was grateful that my son was a grown up adult and I didn’t have to deal with little kids, because I was in such a pain that I could only handle so much. Later I realized that I was lucky to have a supportive family and my son. Yes, my family didn’t quite understand the concept of DB and standing, but they were always there for me. It would have been a lot more difficult for me without their support.
I remember you said that you have a good relationship with your niece(s). Maybe you can reach out and do some fun stuff with them.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
My sweet friend, you are always so hard on yourself. Why do you think that is? I can give you my ideas, but, I want to hear them from you.
Here's the thing. You are stuck. Stuck in your life. Stuck in your relationship. Stuck in what you think you want or should have.
While you are stuck, life is still moving forward. Now, sometimes being stuck is a good thing. It gives you time to find your footing. It allows you to figure stuff out.
I have told you many times when the fear of staying put is more than the fear of change, you will do something different.
For some of us, that takes a long time. Doesnt mean that you arent moving forward. It just means you are moving forward at a slower pace.
I know you have trouble with this whole detachment/MLC thing. I mean, really, it doesnt make sense to someone who isnt in crisis. It is craziness.
But I feel that you are allowing him and what he is doing to break away pieces of you. I hate that for you, Nero. Hate it.
You are more than this relationship. Way more. You give him so much power.
Do we all want someone to share life with? Yes. Can we be happy if we dont have that? Yes, I believe we can. Having someone should enhance your life, not define it.
Figure out Nero. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? I dont mean a job. I dont mean being happy. I mean, really and truly get to know who you are.
I know that you are amazing. You are funny and smart and really insightful.
Once you can embrace who you are, you can figure out what you want.
Please dont give him so much power, Nero. He doesnt deserve it.
Try to detach and enjoy your time with him if that is what you choose to do. It doesnt make you less than as long as it is your choice. Not done out of feeling badly about you, but, because you want to.
I want so much for you to see your worth. I want you to know how special you are. Once you really do, you will know what you want. I promise you.
Wot she said. Nero, that said it all with wisdom and grace. Please do not feel badly about your choices, but you really are worth more than you are getting. You may decide to stay with that choice - with your eyes wide open, but do not sleep walk into this. Hugs
i've been thinking about you (being queen of house clearouts (bane of my existence) (and add mom's house to the list) and (me and actually getting my "extra stuff" out the back door forever. (have a mountain currently i lugged out of attic- determined not to put it back). i just go do other things more fun and ignore it- i am world's biggest procrastinator on almost all fronts. (and i am letting self be - well, except what i'm doing because it will make me feel better & less jumbled in life).
i don't think i expect too much more from me than just a regular human being should be able to live up to. I would like to see myself all ensconced in a new life - but cannot "make" that happen quickly - and - whose life is "perfect" ????. that's the thing- if i am honest with myself - I am more fortunate than most and still have a very nice little life (compliments of h) BUT (aside from the giant $hitshow of mlc blossoming over there in the corner). . there is not alot I sit around yearning for in day to day reality (in a physical sense) . I do miss what i had (or thought i had) in my memories. (the mental pleasure of feeling loved) (and the joke is- maybe i wasn't, but still was enjoying the notion falsly- what the heck does that make my "mental happiness?") (a think all in my mind) (pma?) (i see my 3 girlfriends w/their long long r's & i'm jealous) (can i make that happen fast? (no) or at all? idk) and i'm not sure what (or if) i have left there. I am in the physical life exactly almost as it was - without the mental feeling of well-being i THOUGHT i enjoyed. too much water under the bridge? idk
i miss people who have left forever too - i am too aware of death really being the final issue & here with us daily - not all this "stuff" going on all the time - this is all crappola. did that make sense?. compared to people dying becasue mere mortal that i am, couldn't "save" them - r too - maybe it's like a person dying- i just do not have the power to do it alone.
memory wise - the sad futility of alcohol & linda dying took away my whole youth, h lying took away my adulthood til now - mom needing me for her mom & unhappy & dying - these things just wipe away a portion of your life's memories shared with that person. it did happen- but it's soooooo gone forever - well, it will never return .
i can capture alot of happier times- they flit in, but i can't really use them to make today happier because tehy are just gone forever. it's gotta be today
I don't think i'm incapacitated - i just feel like a worn out person who is not sure now what she is or wants with allllll my reference points gone. Even my sisters (one big happy family- HA!! - pack of snarling hyenas) IT'S just alot of changing around for a mere 6 years. I just can never bring myself to chuck people - that's really it. (what if i'm wrong about them? what if they change (back), etc. might sound nutty- but you see that kind of problem? that is me.... the second chance, last chance saloon... maybe i believe we all can redeem ourselves? idk
Quote:
While you are stuck, life is still moving forward. Now, sometimes being stuck is a good thing. It gives you time to find your footing. It allows you to figure stuff out.
i think that describes my initial feelings of "can't" - overwhelmed, absolutely and totally. (deer in headlights)
i'm not sure about me having concrete GOALS in the "life moving forward" bit - i am open to whatever comes next - i wonder about it - i dont' think we can stop the future whatever it holds, good or bad. maybe i'm savoring the last remnants of this old "life" of mine - feeling like i "have" someone to share a life with- before it's totally gone forever too?
something like that??? that's the only "sense" i get of life going FORWARD - just this big thing outside me pulling me along with it- I can't bring myself to jump in and embrace a future that will be HARD & unppleasant ONE minute before i absolutely have to. (lazy? realistic? practical? idk)
I think it's definitely true i'm stuck- but then i get analyzing the nature of my "stuck" and with my life being as it is - whether i particularly like it or not- if i'm honest - I do have total freedom really to do whatever it is i feel compelled or inclined to. i could go hang out at bars and boink someone's eyeballs out if i'd like to. amazing allll the things that aren't that appealing if you've really got the freedom to do or have them. (i don't believe i can "make" a new, better r ( and person) happen in my life - even if i wanted to - quickly. i can only try and be optimistic and "ready" if it happens by.
my heart is not bleeding- i do think i've hardened considerably - i'm thinking the fly in my ointment is that if i know he is with ow - then i really don't like it. it irks me - on that issue i am stuck feeling that it's a shame he is forcing me out of his life - little by little i am "leaving him" in my heart. it's just a constant "criticism" feeling kind of thing - you'd think a lifetime being compared to sisters would make me better at not being center of attention- i don't want to i find.
he is knocking himself out to be nice - little trips, projects, goodies, etc. idk why really. i've said here before i honestly do not know what i feel for this man now. i've got allll that residual "stuff" - the 'bond" thing- BUT - I DO NOT feel passion and the incredible fondness and i wonder sometimes if i even do love him anymore. it's hard to be objective because i'm protecting my heart here - becoming more and more "objective" - welll, i guess detached really. i might resist "the end" - but i'm sure not allowing self to be fooled in to seeing a "future". other than somethings bad - i don't think i have expectations... (i hope)
i see nothing at the moment- trying to let past totally go and not worry about a future that might not come.
Yesterday i got really busy fiddling around with cement in the garden for several hours, visited my sister & sold her mom's car- grabbed neice and we went shopping and got some goodies - laughed a bit- she came back & was knotting a pretty bracelet &* i was goofing off-
so, on the whole, what the heck is there out in life that is sooooooooo much better than that? (that i can reasonably expect now) my expectations of life and excitement are pretty incredibly small - on a daily basis. watching mom crumble for past six years has made me and the whole day at a time thing really reality. if she didn't fall or die- it was a good day. if i didn't explode from grief (in beginning)- good day. laughably small expectations -
now- when i actually get engrossed in gardening or a project or anything- i note it's progress. it was hellish when not one thing in the world interested me and i was pretty sure i would just expire...
i feel a bit artsie and craftsie- have some enthusiasm- I honestly don't know if i have "expectations" of h. true- just like dying- it's a crapshoot looming out there- anything could happen any day.
aside from the days when i get washed over with anxiety- come here and dump & ask for some sane input - mostly i don't give a darn - no kidding. i used to think every single thing was important- all the details in life- they "mattered". i'm not so sure anymore. good or bad? idk ...
I am such a slow and prudent mover- i save money, time, etc - i think i'm a tortois - slow but sure? if i had to guess...
I find myself apologizing for what i think "they" "the world" EXPECTS of me- expects me to do. you know- everyone has a big fat opinion they're ready to toss out- "if that happened to me, i'd _______________" yeah, yeah, yeah...
sooooooooooo easy to say when you're not the guy in the soup.
i'm sure i'm a giant pain to "watch" and listen to, here in this forum. i sure do have my "agonies" sometimes. i know you guys must scratch your heads and wonder how long i'll dangle out there in the wind??? idk- i keep thinking of you and everyone saying when it's right- you'll know and you'll do it. i actually have faith in that...
seee how calm i am this morning- have taken an otc sleeping pill 3 nites in a row (bold & daring move for me) - tired of even trying to "tough it out", tho could have tried last nite. just takin the easy road for the moment. I have been hand-holding with girl next door. she finally moved her mom to a nursing home by her house (in pa- 6 hrs away) after six or seven years of back & forth (and agonizing over that decision) & 24-7 attendants here w/her mom - and in a week her mom died. last few days funeral, etc. - geeeez - there it is, in one's face again- it could be any of us - any day.
i worried like mad last bunch of years- where would it "end" with mom and the memory. i hated thought she'd end up a mindless blob - i swear the daily concern of someone's welfare day to day- the insanity of even thinking anything could be "changed" - just find the good moments and do best could - try not obsess about where she'd end up living- etc. (i'm glad i did now- but it all could have easily been different) you can't know.
just plod forward like some stupid beast of burden that ignores the insanity and mundane misery of it- just one step next - one step next - shut off brain-
I just do not look ahead and see some giant shiney FUTURE looming ahead (like the big ole taj mahal) on my own. maybe i can see a windy wooded trail and a humble log cabin??? I think if i could "see" my future in the sense of "where i live" i'd be (i think) more pro-active. I see both lives i have and had - well, have both, don't spend alot of time in one- but it's there "waiting" (maybe?) (why h doesn't want it gone (my possessions and stamp on that house) - idk) that is totally a "wait and see" proposition too. will i be "glad" if i just walk away from my "life" down there & come up here forever??? another "thing" i am not so sure if i should just entirely dismantle and walk away from. the people- friends, family - etc.
see what i mean? i am the queen of over-thinking when i actually do begin to think it over. i will substitute again this year- it's fun and a "job", tho not a fulltime high-paying one. i am coming to conclusion i'm a piddler in life- having a pleasant time one day at a time (this morning anyway) - not wanting to take on giant demands and RESPONSIBILITIES (even of myself rite now) one minute before i absolutely HAVE TO. oh cripes- i think i just swallowed a small moth in my coffee!!!)
THEN I moan and am dissatisfied and then i think maybe i'm greedy and lazy - you sure can look at it either way- can't you???
i've "considered" myself into a corner here. I met this man when i was newly married to ex. i don't think being "free" of him will facilitate my meeting someone else if that is my karma (and my biggest maybe desire- someone to love and appreciate me (again) ) soooo - as usual - (ta da) i am awaiting wisdom to alight... and for my life to unfold. i almost feel it's nothing to do with me and what i 'm doing - what will happen & is happening.
i'm feelin very detached and floatie about it all this morning. sometimes i do feel okay - i know the control freaks are probably cussing out my air-headedness - (see what i mean about h paying the bills? instead of me worrying about paying my credit card bill- i'm wondering how my cement walk creation bit turned out- if pressing a scallop shell in it is cute or what?)
i've probably bored you right into a coma with all this junk - my head is like a giant trunk of junk- better left shut for the time being in the attic (since it's quiet and chilled this one minute). no expectations man for that either....
Figure out Nero. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? I dont mean a job. I dont mean being happy. I mean, really and truly get to know who you are.
i don't seem to have a big ole definition. i have no idea who the heck i am. i never spent alot of time looking that hard. there seems tooo many parts to just have one notion about me - i have alot of contradictory things going on-
i feel toooo tired and done to know rite now.
i want to laugh alot- and enjoy not holding someone elses future in my hands. i want to have kids around because they make me remember about simple pleasures allll around us all the time- if we just take a minute to stop being stupid old adults- and i want to laugh and be a jerk.
i'm sick to death of adults and their junk - & issues. it all i have
i am world's biggest procrastinator on almost all fronts
Me too.
I've been reading a lot about procrastination lately. Learning alot. Procrastination is a common coping mechanism for people who have been left a lot (emotionally/physically)...and, even more so for people who have a history of being severely criticized/judged harshly as children.
At some point, maybe you decided to act out your anger by turning it against yourself? It has to go somewhere.
Maybe you don't feel you deserve the good things in life? I know I struggle with this in a major way. It feels natural for me to sit still when things are swirling around me.
There's a remedy and it requires a strange combination of consistent action and self-love.
Last edited by LoisB; 07/12/1412:44 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
i know, my neice, she's my little saving grace around here (NJ) and then in fl - my neice & her little kids. remind me how fun life can be and how much pleasure you can share with a kid- without hardly trying . i love that any little thing at all - if you share with them and spend the time- is a ton of fun.
isn't it great to be small and everything is NEW???
I'M WOrkin on makin the most of what i've got. grabbed my neice yesterday (16 yrs)and we went shopping. i'm usually a bit lazy about shopping- but lost my bathing suit and ya gotta have one in summer- rite. bought us each some goodies- she's a good companion. kind of quiet, but has her own opinions, tastes, etc. she's a bit of a night owl- and is getting rolling just when i'm fizzling- but we have fun and i'm glad for the company.
she's compassionate and sensitive - has alot of common sense as well. . yesterday she was telling me she was glad for the times she visited my mom with me. she & h were the only ones that ever offered to go with me. i was glad, i'm happy she can appreciate that her taking the time mattered alot to mom & me too. it's important to feel good about her own "contribution" i think. she's got some troubles in her life with her dad's drinking- so she worries about stuff a young kid shouldn't have to deal with . yet lots do today huh?
anyway- i do have her mother in town - and she can be a real character- but is a good egg essentially and i'm glad we're friends. i wouldn't have made it thru last few years without her and a couple girlfriends. you're sure rite about some support around in life.
I sure had a different notion of what my family was - than what it is in reality - my other sisters. we all sure are different. oh well huh? what a giant mess.
tryin not to think about it - i'm tryin not to think about everything it seems -
interesting stuff, but i don't think i was necessarily judged as a kid- or if i was, i don't think i was aware really . there were five of us- i think the minute i appeared on the scene - my mom was probably overwhelmed- and crazy all the time with too many small kids all at once. then there was always some baby coming along just when things got udner control idk - i think we were happy kids and all entertained each other - we were soooo close in age. it was a very good childhood (well, i think so anyway)/
tho, i can see as an adult that i don't now or ever did feel like anything "special" - just another kid in the mix. that was what made h so nice- he made me feel special really for first time in life. oh well-
i may be just a bum when it comes to doing things in advance. i have no theory about it other than just lack of that type of self control to FORCE myself to do something i don't like- until i have to and it's the bitter end.
personality? quirk? idk i sure know that when i do it- something always comes along and i lack the "wiggle room" - i make myself miserable. but do i correct it/ usually not. it's strange that i con tinue to do it to myself- when i know full well i'll "pay" in the end.
sorry for giant epistle. After 25 years typing all day , every day, i can type as fast as i think- and it's like we're having a "conversation". i get thinking and it gets pouring out of my fingertips.
too bad we're not all face to face - so we could actually converse.
(oddly for a blabbermouth like me) tho, i find not talking about this mlc junk helps quite a bit. It all does recede more and more in life- i feel less actual pain - more and longer times where it's not in my mind at all. so that's something huge.
it's the being busy - having people "to play with" thing.
you have me thinking alot about my "stuck-ness".
here it is- i'm STUCK with h's mlc and resulting messed up life for me - and i cannot fix it quickly . i cannot fix him (at all) probably. much like mom and her health - i'm powerless over something important to me. and i have to learn to possibly live with it (for evermore).
i know- real life- suck it up - everyone ends up there sooner or later sometime.
In response to your question about being hard on self- maybe i'm the only one i get to boss around in life- so, maybe i have frustrated POWER issues? the only one I can control in any way is me. maybe i'm "tweaking" myself - work in progress - trying to be best/better me; as in, there's always room for improvement? idk- i think overall i'm okay, normal kinda guy. I don't think i'm so "down" on me (i'm not objective probably) - i just can see i've got problems to work on too. (he, on other hand, thinks his - self is perfect. ) sheesh i don't want to be like that - hey wait- i'd LOVE to be like that. .
I get it tho, there's always room for a compliment to self on one's progress too tho. my Buddha book says "our neurosis are what make us interesting" we don't have to get rid of allll our flaws, we just have to gently make peace with them and control them". kind of a better thought than "curing" them all - where would one begin???
power is a weird thing isn't it? maybe you're rite about h having too much "power" over me. well- the power to make me feel unhappy-ish when i know he's with ow.
that's my big stumbling block. i'm just forced to know- and my reaction is to not like it.
his mlc & me understanding is getting old. it's a good to develop the patience - it's a stinkeroo way to get it.
i can see my own progress here - it may be small but it's mine and i'm grateful for it. - detached enough to not always feel decimated.
