Just re-read my last post...Maybe I do have an issue with finger pointing. Oiy.
Happens to us all. Sometimes it only takes a minute. Sometimes when you read last week's post, you can't believe you wrote it.
Quote:
he chose not to put effort into speaking mine, even though it had been discussed (requested, yelled, etc.) a number of times.
So you read Venus/Mars... and do you remember what it said about repeatedly discussing/requesting/yelling ...nag, nag, nag, complete shutdown...
Apathy, (and you must change your name), this is all good. You will learn here, if you stick to it. And we can probably help you understand what your H may be thinking. And that knowledge will help you decide how you want to deal with your situation, hopefully to improve the chances of getting the outcome you want.
Of course I don't see it as nagging, but I imagine the nagger never does...
If I change my name how will people know who I am?
I do want to learn. So I guess my lesson right now is this is about me? And not what I perceive H has done? I need to set that all aside and figure out me? I really just want peace...
Of course I don't see it as nagging, but I imagine the nagger never does...
If I change my name how will people know who I am?
I do want to learn. So I guess my lesson right now is this is about me? And not what I perceive H has done? I need to set that all aside and figure out me? I really just want peace...
Thanks!
If you change your name people can still figure it out as you keep all the same threads.
Go up to my stuff - edit profile, I changed my name once, if you go back far enough you can figure it out. In my case it was a mistake, I should not have changed my name. But that is a whole other story.
:-). Ok. I have changed my name, pending admin. Approval, to Shanti.
I searched synonyms for peace, as that is what I'm seeking, and found "Shanti, Santhi or Shanthi (from Sanskrit शान्तिः śāntiḥ; √ शम śam: ‘be calm’) means peace, rest, calmness, tranquility, or bliss." I was thinking Lily, but that came up as the flower of death! Shanti seems to be more positive. :-)
I guess I just don't understand how someone can love someone and not hear them for so long?
This is sadly very, very common. Typically we don't hear because we are using different languages. If you have read either "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", or "The Five Love Languages", you'll get this immediately.
My W has told me how she tried to tell me she was unhappy, and looking back now, and having read the books, and knowing now that she was trying to get my attention, I see it. At the time though, I had no idea, because what she said was not what I heard. And so the resentment built and built.
In fact, that is probably common with all LBS here, especially the men - we wish you had just shouted plain English words in our faces, instead of trying subtle hints. Men really are simple.
And though I hope never to make the same mistake again, my W is probably thinking like you - How could he not have known? and it may be too late for her to ever let it go.
Great insight, zew. We expect everyone to think and communicate just like we do. When we can let go of that expectation and give some space, both people benefit.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks, la. I don't think I'm getting any stupider over time. Unfortunately, my W and her posse keep building bigger conspiracy theories by the day, to the point where I am losing both hope and interest.
I haven't read your thread, but sometimes it is too late. Be thatt as it may, the things you've learned about yourself can't be taken away in a D settlement.
You can give them away.
I hope you won't.
Never underestimate the human capacity for change. Look at you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My W warned me 'one day this won't be enough'. I went to IC, we went to MC but it was all just talk to me. I knew I had issues but just talking about them didn't solve anything, I still hadn't a clue how to do anything about them.
Now, after finding out about SBT and DB I know. And now is the time when she presented me with a tangible list and has said it's too late.
We'll have to see about that last bit though because I'm not giving up easily. But it just shows how differently we think.
Last edited by odsnt; 07/14/1406:27 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
odsnt, My W warned me 'one day this won't be enough'. I went to IC, we went to MC but it was all just talk to me. I knew I had issues but just talking about them didn't solve anything, I still hadn't a clue how to do anything about them.
At least you made an effort; you heard that something needed to be changed, and you attempted that. That has to count for something...
I received my DR book yesterday and have started reading it. Just getting started though, so we'll see how that goes. I'm waiting on SBT until I can get through DR a bit to see if I can have a goal in mind, I'm tired of wasting time spinning my wheels.
We had another pretty good weekend. Maybe the name change has helped already.
after finding out about SBT and DB I know ...I'm not giving up easily
I have to imagine there is a reason she gave you a tangible list at this point, right? I'm thinking there is still something there, otherwise what's the point? I wish you success in turning your situation around.
Zew, concentrate on growing and making yourself the person only a crazy person would divorce. Remember: Don't believe anything she says (and the posse) and only half of what you see.
