What to Do III

[Thornton]

It's definitely a roller coaster. I'm still feeling my way with W and monitoring things.

If she doesn't text, it just means she needs some room to breathe. Give it to her. It shows you are confident and can stand on your own. And it shows you respect her and her space.

[Ben2010]

Update:
So last night after not having heard from the W in a couple days, she called me. Seems that I have found a pattern to her trying to "feel" me out. She text me "goodnight" which she doesnt really do. I text back "night" again like last time. She text "Love you" and I text "Love you too". 5 minutes later I get a phone call from her. We end up talking for 2.5 hours.

It was a really upbeat conversation the whole time. Not much if any R talk at all. She did throw some "we", "us" and "our" talk in there. I also got her to sincerely laugh at some of my jokes like she used to. She told me that all that time she was spending with her sister was starting to get old. LOL how nice. She also said she could tell that her sister was getting tired of her being around so much. I told her that I thought that it was rude when she needed someone to talk to lol. She agreed. Told me her sister has been quite a bitch lately. I just laughed and said "sounds about right". She got a laugh out of that too. I said that she was probably stressed about finding a job and all that right now.

She told me that she was planning on texting me last night to ask if I wanted to go out on another date. Then told me that she couldnt do that anymore because her sister is going camping and asked her to housesit and watch her niece while she was gone. I said "all good, Im sure we can figure it out eventually". She went over this about 3 more times that she was planning on doing this. I just said it wasnt a big deal. She said something about us going next weekend if we cant this weekend. Also got a different reply from her this morning other than "morning", this time it was "Good morning" for the first time ever. Doesnt seem like a big deal but it kind of is to me based on the previous 8 or so days.

That was honestly the best conversation I have had with her in months really. It felt good to connect with her again like that. I think that I played it cool enough to where it didnt seem like I was anxious at all. I also have no expectations at all about us going out on a date. I think she could tell that and thats why she mentioned it more than once. Semi-mindreading. I wont go all out and say that my sitch has taken a turnaround or anything, but I think that its starting to look up a bit.

Also went to see my IC today. Had a pretty good session with him. He seems very pleased with the progress that I am making with everything. It is days like today that give you enough motivation to make it through another week or more. I dont think they have any idea how much the small things mean to us at this point. All in all Im doing great today!

[pilot]

Ben you are a rock star! Keep it up. I am happy for you. You have played the DB 'game' well. I hope things continue to remain positive. Be cautious at the same time. As sandi said, this is a delicate time for you and her.

Keep us posted!

[Ben2010]

Thanks Pilot,
Im trying to take from Thorn's sitch and go super slow. I dont want to seem eager or anxious at all. Just gonna let her move at her pace and see how it goes. Thanks for the kind words.

[Thornton]

Nice! Good job man! Just keep doing what you're doing, nice and easy. You're on the right track.

[Ben2010]

Thanks Thorn,
Not quite there yet, but Im moving in the right direction at least. Looks like we might not get to do our sleepover after all...

[CS000]

Ben2010, after reading your sitch it seems like you have a pretty good understanding of DBing and are in control of your emotions. Imo you have done work not just talk about doing the work. Just wanted to give you an Atta Boy! I hope I can get there :-)

[Ben2010]

Well thanks CSan. I am still new at this too. My emotions get the best of me plenty of times just like they do everyone else on here though. I am no stronger than you. I have also made plenty of mistakes in doing this and am still learning alot. Since Thorn listed what worked for him I will mention a few things too I guess. I dont have as much as he did.

1)Pray everyday sincerely. If you dont have a faith of some kind, I would suggest finding one. It helps tremendously. It will comfort you when nothing else will. Lets face it, most of this is out of your hands. I pray for my Ws healing more than anything still. I created her pain and I need God's help to get her through this.

2)Never initiate any calls/texts/emails. As much as I wanted to the whole time, I didnt because I knew that it would set me back. This of course changes for those of you that have kids.

3)Always be upbeat during any interaction. Never let them see how much it is bothering you. Dont hold on to the conversation unnaturally. When its time to say bye, say bye. Always first.

4)GAL is super important. Find something to do that takes your mind off of your situation. You have to take breaks from dealing with this or you will lose your sanity.

5)NO SNOOPING LOL. This is sooo hard to do, but dont do it. I backslid a lot because of this. No matter how clever you think you are, it isnt worth it. You will either get caught doing it or make things much worse in your own head.

6)Do not bring up the R unless they do first. So many of us know how this one goes. It's an explosion waiting to happen and you dont want to be on the other end.

7)This one is HUGE to me. I am an angry person normally. Control your anger. Do not bite when they are fishing for a fight. They use this to justify what they are doing and you validate all of that by arguing or getting angry. If you can master this, it makes all the difference in the world. It opens so many doors that would otherwise remain closed. Along with this comes validation. Put those 2 together and you have a great chance to deescalate your spouse and start understanding what the real issues are. You may think you know, but you might be surprised if you LISTEN at this point.

8)Read the books. Read 5LL. See a C. All of these sources have strategies to making this work. Not everything in any one of them is a perfect plan for every person out there. You will have to find what works for you. There are many other books out there, but these are the ones that resonated with me.

9)Come here for support. Everyone on here can be helpful. I would never have even made it through a week without some of the insight that has been offered to me on here.

I hope this will help someone out there. Again Im still working at this right now and far from finished. These are just a few of the things for me that have produced positive results in one way or another.

[Wonka]

Ben,

This got my attention alright!

I am an angry person normally.

Really, Ben? Why is that so? What does that look like to you? How did you reach that point?

[Ben2010]

Wonka,
So this is in referrence to most of my attitude before this happened. I have generally had a negative outlook on most things. I lose my patience and temper with ease. Alot of people would probably consider me to be a mean person too. I didnt mean to be that way and honestly never paid it much attention. After talking to my C, he seems to think that its due to my mother being my primary influence when I was younger.

I do realize that it is a problem and an very unhappy about it. I saw that it was an issue when I took a good look at what kind of person I am versus what kind of person I WANT to be. I am currently going through anger management with my C and it seems to be helping tremendously. Its taking a bit of time to understand some of the concepts involved, but it is working. I can honestly say that I feel 10x better about life in general on a daily basis since working on it.

I hope this answers your questions here. Let me know.