New here - frozen in should I stay or should I go?

[woundedfool]

Woundedfool, pardon the hijack apathy, are you describing your experience with different kinds of therapy?

Sort of... I only had direct experience with SBT.

A close family member had an experience with a traditional psychoanalyst (how did you mother treat you, did you feel loved, etc.), a 4 year journey that he felt was a colossal waste of time and money (and after learning about SBT, I tend to agree).

[Old Dog]

Sorry to see you on here apathy, but you will get good advice from DBers.

I'm also sorry to say that yes, some of us idiots only really wake up to reality at the 11th hour or when it's too late. I can hear my wife saying some of the things you recount.

I went to transactional analysis counselling around 20 years ago now. I was depressed and thought it would speed up the process. I learnt a few things about myself, but after a while I felt it was just some big talking shop.

My wife and I also went to marriage counselling briefly, but again it was just more talking. I didn't get how any of this was going to change anything.

I have learnt so much more in the past month since Bday by reading BD, (half of) DR, psycology today website and my new counsellor who is SFBT/SBT.

And now I want to change and I believe I can do it and I want it, I need it for myself. I hope my wife will see it and reconsider, but in the words of the vets here, I have no expectations.

Sorry, that was a bit more tha I planned to say. Let me just say, read the books and forums because in the long run, you'll learn from it I'm sure.

[Shanti]

I'm also sorry to say that yes, some of us idiots only really wake up to reality at the 11th hour or when it's too late. I can hear my wife saying some of the things you recount.

Thanks odsnt. I guess I just don't understand how someone can love someone and not hear them for so long? I was so sure when I told my H that I wanted a divorce that he would be relieved, because I was convinced he just didn't care anymore. I'm having a hard time believing that it's love and not just convenience of some sort.

I agree with the sentiments on traditional counseling - how the heck is dredging up all the bad stuff over and over going to help? There are alot of SFBT counselors near me, now to figure out how to choose a good one. :-)

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Old Dog]

There are alot of SFBT counselors near me, now to figure out how to choose a good one. :-)

Thanks for your thoughts!

Word of mouth us best. And you can always switch if you're not comfortable.

[woundedfool]

[quote=apathy] There are alot of SFBT counselors near me, now to figure out how to choose a good one. :-)

Also, I hear good things about the DB coaches here.

(I did not use one, and it is the only real regret I have in my journey).

[labug]

Woundedfool, pardon the hijack apathy, are you describing your experience with different kinds of therapy?

Sort of... I only had direct experience with SBT.

A close family member had an experience with a traditional psychoanalyst (how did you mother treat you, did you feel loved, etc.), a 4 year journey that he felt was a colossal waste of time and money (and after learning about SBT, I tend to agree).

There are different therapies for different people/issues and some times a combination of therapies.

I think it's a jump to brand a whole model based on the unfortunate experience of a relative. And as in all areas of healthcare, there are skilled and not-so-skilled providers of every ilk.

I didn't want to dredge up the past for most of my life and I only got more and more unhappy. Sometimes we have to face our demons. There are SBT practices that have helped me. I've also had great success with yoga and meditation and exercise is also an adjunct.

I don't think there's an argument that whether we were loved or how we were treated as young children doesn't affect us. But, it does affect each of us in a different way and to a different extent.

I'm happy the therapy you were able to choose for you worked well. That's always a good circumstance.

(of course, insurance companies would love it if everything could be solved with SBT)

Thanks or the space, Apathy.

[Shanti]

Thanks or the space, Apathy.

Anytime, it was helpful for me as well. :-)

[zew]

I guess I just don't understand how someone can love someone and not hear them for so long?

This is sadly very, very common. Typically we don't hear because we are using different languages. If you have read either "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", or "The Five Love Languages", you'll get this immediately.

My W has told me how she tried to tell me she was unhappy, and looking back now, and having read the books, and knowing now that she was trying to get my attention, I see it. At the time though, I had no idea, because what she said was not what I heard. And so the resentment built and built.

In fact, that is probably common with all LBS here, especially the men - we wish you had just shouted plain English words in our faces, instead of trying subtle hints. Men really are simple.

And though I hope never to make the same mistake again, my W is probably thinking like you - How could he not have known? and it may be too late for her to ever let it go.

[Shanti]

If you have read either "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", or "The Five Love Languages", you'll get this immediately.

H and I both read Men are from Mars (I identified more with the male oddly enough)... and H read 5LL. According to what we discussed from his understanding of 5LL, I spoke his LL due to him discussing with me (years ago) my lack thereof and he chose not to put effort into speaking mine, even though it had been discussed (requested, yelled, etc.) a number of times. He blames his upbringing and my independance.

... - we wish you had just shouted plain English words in our faces, instead of trying subtle hints. Men really are simple.

Unfortunately I did, I'm a pretty straight shooter. A few years prior I had told him we were heading for divorce. It was the one and only time I had said those words prior, so I don't think he saw it as an empty threat. Which I think is what makes it so hard for me to believe that he even cared. I think I don't trust that it's genuine. The whole, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice..." thing, you know?

and it may be too late for her to ever let it go.

Same here, but I hope not for you. :-) thank you for taking the time to reach out, it's helpful to understand that others go through similar times and see the opposite perspective on things.

[Shanti]

Just re-read my last post...Maybe I do have an issue with finger pointing. Oiy.