She's so much like her Dad, loved by the world until he got home and took it out on the family...his daughter is the same. When I arrived she was harping at the kids about what they hadn't done around the house. She knows how to set a mood, doesn't she? She's such an angry person. She takes jobs which are highly stressful, and being a perfectionist, puts more pressure on herself. She's so terrified of being seen as inadequate. Her Dad used to tell her she was stupid. If I had one bit of advice to give anyone dating it would be to look at the family of origin that your bf/gf came from cuz whatever was happening there WILL happen to you too. Anyway, D20 actually handled it well. I think the big blowout they had on Thursday may have had something to do with it. I called on Friday and they were going to the park for a walk together so that was nice to see. Voldy told me today "when we went for the walk she told me that when she lives on her own she was going to be a vegetarian and get a cat. I bit my tongue. I wanted to say don't you think you need a job first?" OMG, the kid can't even tell her Mom her dreams without the woman wanting to bitch at her.
Damn, Voldy sounds like she's wired really tight, and her FOO issues are coming to roost here? I can't believe how well your D20 handled the situation. Kudos to her!
A few years ago I had an assistant whose parents emigrated from Vietnam for college, got married and then became citizens. She has an older brother. I also have cousins who are half Chinese as well as very close business relationships with a long time manufacturing partner. So what my asst told me was nothing I hadn't heard before, straight from the horses' mouth.
When she worked for me, her parents had been divorced for awhile and her mom passed away. My business partner and I gave her a few weeks off to tend to the details, as she was the executor of her mom's estate. When she returned, she came into my office and just sobbed. And it kind of surprised me that her sobbing had relatively little to do with her feelings about her mom's passing, but a whole lot to do with the yucky stuff she was processing.
W is such a bright and beautiful girl. She had her shite together from a young age - she saved her money and bought and rented out properties, put herself through school and was super industrious. And she was involved in a a horribly physically abusive R with a LT BF who ultimately went to jail for beating the crap out of her.
She had a good R with her dad, who was genuinely puzzled at their D and never understood why her mom was so angry with him enough to D him. They managed to set things aright before her mom died, but there was a long time in between. Her older brother is successful, but after he graduated college, he distanced himself from his mom. He'd be respectful and come to the expected gatherings, but he didn't do any more than that. (She had to spend time with her niece away from their mom, as this was his condition. Sad.) She was also successful, but was treated like crap. The B+ she got in math made her mom angry and instead of being happy for the daughter that graduated with a degree in CS with a 3.8 GPA, her mom told her how stupid she was for not making that a 4.0.
If she stopped by her mom's after work, her mom berated her for not coming sooner. If she wasn't there at noon to walk her mom's dog (by this time she was nearly bedridden with cancer), she was yelled at. You'd think that someone on their death bed might decide to be kinder? Yet no. Her daughter was the only thing she had left in this world, and she treated her horribly.
So when she vented to me as she sobbed, she let herself be angry. And she let me know she appreciated it, because in her culture, it would be frowned upon and she didn't trust her relatives not to berate her too. But now that I'm old, I know that people who judge so harshly are generally treated this way too. Somehow they say to themselves that since they turned out fine, their kids will too.
Voldy sounds like my assistant's mother. I haven't talked to her in awhile, but I hope she's doing well. At my suggestion, she went into counseling to let this stuff out and figure out why she's attracted to men who abuse her. She saw the link and decided that it was time to deal with it. I miss her. In the 23 years I've been with this company, she's one of 3 people who left that I cried about. I adored her.
I'm so glad your daughters have you for their dad. You're fully present with them and see them as people and not objects. I applaud you for forging through with someone so clearly unhappy. I can't blame you for how you feel. She'd make me hate her too.
Hope you are celebrating your awesomeness this week! 'Cause you are!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
thanks Betsey! Parents expect a lot from their kids in Asian culture and are expected to look after them. Part of Voldy's problem is that she expects the kids to be fully aware of her needs and act on them without having to be told...and it doesn't work. Last night I took D20 out for dinner (D17 was out with bf) and then we went down to the Lake to take photos together. It was her suggestion(I have some on FB of D20 from last night). We had a lovely time. My IC had suggested that I take time to be just be with D20 every week or two. She had been out handing out resumes as she had said she would do. She had emailed us a copy of her job search plans for the week, as agreed. Voldy did email her back saying how proud she was of her for following through as she promised. Voldy is often an angry human being but, at least, she does often show love to her kids, believe it or not...when she's not being an angry child!
I'll say it again - Wii, you're a great dad! I'm impressed with your ability to navigate adult women. It must be a gift.
The Asian expectation was what I was trying to say all along. It certainly does not mean it isn't prevalent in people across the spectrum, but many of the Asian folks I've met have had to live up to impossibly high (and IMHO very unrealistic) expectations. They place a lot of importance on being respected, and this is how they earn respect. Not to mention the parental proudness factor.
The fact that your daughter can see some of this is amazing.
And I really would imagine that Voldy would love her kids. That is the one thing you two share. She just hasn't seemed to figure out the cause-effect thing. Sigh. At least you have.
Carry on with your awesome self.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I came home tonight and found D20 sitting here having done no job hunting today...and yesterday it poured so she didn't do any either. Tonight she's going with D17 to a Value Village to hand in a resume...and do a little shopping I'm sure. I told her that this was not good enough. Job hunting is a job, pure and simple. I expected to see her out every day doing something. There's always a reason not to do today what you can put off till tomorrow and that day is over...now! She stayed home today because she had planned to go to a shopping mall and hand out resumes but, hey, why waste a bus ticket today when you're going there tomorrow on the way to stay at bf's? So I asked her why she didn't go elsewhere then? I told her my patience has limits...so don't push it!!!
Maybe since she is thinking part time job she is putting part time into trying to get said job. Ok, don't throw stuff at me.
I had quite a discussion with one of S21's friends last night. He asked my opinion about quitting his current job. I thought he should suck it up for the next 6 weeks until school starts and or he has another job. I get that hours are long but welcome to reality. Work life for the most part, bites.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Lol. After I went to bed last night the girls thoroughly cleaned our kitchen. D17 was excited because she'd bought a bread box at Value Village for $6 and, of course, the whole kitchen must be cleaned in order to meet the needs of the new bread box lol. I'm not complaining ...and D20 did drop off a resume. I told her last night before I left for my Bible study "I want to come home in the evenings and be able to say 'good job' not 'get your butt moving!"
D20 did her appointed rounds today and tonight we're going to an outdoor concert in the park together. D17 is working and out with friends afterwards. Onwards...
