Dealing with WAW Part 2

[nit84]

Sorry Pilot but I need to ask Sandi a question.

Sandi, I have not assured my W I would always be there but Just recently I did tell her I loved her and if she stopped A we could work on things. Did I go too far?

Sorry again Pilot.

[pilot]

Brilliant as always sandi. I think I am on pretty solid ground as far as giving her the impression I am already moving on, and not looking back (hence my apprehension of wanting to know the proper way of making the path clear without screwing up my efforts thus far). Sometimes I worry if my efforts have given too clear of that message.

I am definitely in the poker game right now. When we see each other swapping the kids, I am happy, outgoing, PMA, dressed well, looking fit, and all the good things you try and show when you are first dating. I am not overbearing, I do not initiate conversations nor let them drag. I always answer pleasantly and with a smile. So basically our face to face interactions have been nothing but positive. She compliments me a lot as well. She has gone as far as 'following' me at the good bye time and initiating hugs and not wanting to let go. I play it off as James Bond would. Hah. This past week she had been very aggressive in texting me...really about nothing important, just the casual benign conversations. That of course stopped after my 5 year old blurted out we were meeting a friend. So who knows how she took that. Now if she only knew what was REALLY going on in my head.... But I attribute the success of our interactions to my detachment. I really think I did well on that...especially given where I used to be.

I just do not want to be 'overly cautious' and give the wrong signal. In other words, if she is skittish, I do not want to spook her into thinking there is NO chance. I want her to know there IS a chance, but it will not be a simple 'hey im back, lets be like it was'. So for that reason I do plan on making her be the one to initiate R talk first. Then I will listen to what she has to say. But I would love to have constant feedback from those who see things from different angles as myself along the way to ensure I stay on the most effective path possible.

What is going to possibly throw a wrench into the gears of all of this is the kids school year and where they will be living. We absolutely have to have this conversation soon as the school year is approaching and my 5 year old has to be enrolled somewhere. I spoke to the school she wants to send him to and it is nothing more than a glorified daycare. A prek3-k5 church where they stick them in one room for the whole day...giving lessons till noon then letting them free play for the rest of the day. When my son was 4 at his school last year they had separate classrooms for art, spanish, PE, music, library, lego robotics, and theater. I am working to get him into a school with comparable curriculum near me right now. So since she has already stated she wants to remain where she is, and neither of us wants to be away from the kids, it means one of us has to move. I always said that I will go wherever we can offer the kids the best education and living situation. The kids will have grandparents at either place, so that cancels out. One of us will have to find a new job so that cancels out. Her job is a night job so she would not see the kids much anyways, where as I have much greater freedom in my scheduling so I can drop the kids off, as well as pick them up, and spend the evenings with them. Ultimately it comes down to the better schools are here. And she may not be able to move here financially. Then again, I may not be able to move there financially. So it has to come down to what is best for the kids. This will be an interesting conversation to say the least.

[bashy]

Sorry to jump in and hijack but this is me all over. Saying I'll be there for u etc. always available. Meeting WAW tomorrow to help her with a letter but have been advised by counsellor to hand all my documentation over that she needs then tell her I need my own space and that I'll get her any stuff in my name she needs but anything else I won't be able to help with. Just need to get my wording right.... and some guts!

[sandi2]

I know the school is important to you, but I wouldn't count on her being ready by the time to enroll him. When I was kid we moved around all the time. I was in high school before I knew what it was like to attend the same school an entire term. One year I attended four schools in one term. And look how I turned out!

Seriously, I understand. But they are very young and it's important you not put yourself in a pressure cooker over the school situation. The more up tight you get about it, the less I think she'll do what you are wanting. In the big picture, you have to ask yourself which is more important, having the kids attend a better school in the fall or your M standing a better chance at reconciling maybe at midterm......or at the end of the school term. Is it worth rushing or pushing for the sake of which preschool your child attends?

(hugs)

[pilot]

I know the school is important to you, but I wouldn't count on her being ready by the time to enroll him.

Oh I totally agree. Which is why I fear a problem looming. I will obviously do my best to minimize any confrontation, and I already think I did a halfway decent job by not disagreeing with her idea, and validating her point of view.

Seriously, I understand. But they are very young and it's important you not put yourself in a pressure cooker over the school situation. The more up tight you get about it, the less I think she'll do what you are wanting. In the big picture, you have to ask yourself which is more important, having the kids attend a better school in the fall or your M standing a better chance at reconciling maybe at midterm......or at the end of the school term. Is it worth rushing or pushing for the sake of which preschool your child attends?

I am not in a pressure cooker so to speak. I understand they are not even in 1st grade yet. But schools have always been important in my family. I always attended a private school. The school I am looking to send my kids to is the same one I attended when I was younger. My brother as well, and he went off to Princeton at 16 as a Princeton Scholar (top 2% to be accepted) I had my own nifty choices as well. The prek3 and prek4 my oldest attended in our old town was nearly $20k a year for him. The courses and education he got there was second to none. It was definitely an elite school. I have looked at the public and private schools in my area. Only one compares. The rest (even private schools) would essentially be a step backwards in curriculum for my 5 year old. The last thing you want is your child to become bored or not challenged at such a young age which may cause lasting impressions on his future years.

So maintaining a level of excellence in my kids education is important. Now, if it was not possible to send my kids to a very nice private school, then I would accept that and put them in the very best public school I could find. Fortunately my father has agreed to pick up the tab for the private school this year for my kids as I am still on the verge of chapt 7. So now that my kids have this opportunity, it is definitely one we (as parents) should take advantage of.

As to your question of which is more important, my kids at a better school or my M standing a better chance at R by midterm. Easy answer. My kids' education.

[sandi2]

As to your question of which is more important, my kids at a better school or my M standing a better chance at R by midterm. Easy answer. My kids' education.

Well if that's the case, then I suggest you get a shark lawyer and go get custody of the kids. That's the only way of being able to put them in the schools of your preference. Otherwise, you will never know if, or when, she may yank them up and go someplace else. And, since they both are preschool, you have many years ahead.

[labug]

The kid is 5 and you've already got him going to Princeton! Let go a little. Life is going to be full of twists and turns that you can't even begin to imagine. Let up on the control switch.

I came back here to respond to your previous response to me but I guess that's moot, at least for now, based on your last statement above.

Someday you'll be in a position to slow down and really look inside. If you read the threads around here of people who are successfully DBing, not necessarily saving their marriages, the thing they have in common is that they all looked inside, dropped their defensiveness, realized they were lacking in some areas and worked like he!! to change that.

I hope you and the W can work put something that's good for all of you.

[oad]

Pilot sorry to hijack your board....sandi2 please pop back for a second, I need your advice on something about tomorrow.

Labug I agree with you on that one!!!

[pilot]

It is not about control. It is about giving my kids the best opportunity for their future I am able. Part of that includes giving them the best education I am able. My kids are more important than me and more important than my M. I would be a pretty selfish person if I consciously made a choice to give my kids the lessor of two choices (even if for a short while) so I could possible get something I wanted. And for that, I will never apologize trying to do the best I can for my kids.

My W has always been on the same page as far as giving them the best education possible. Right now that probably conflicts with what she wants for her best interest. On the flip side, if she was able to find a good school where she was, and that was their best option, I would bend over backwards to find a way to be close to them.

I have no idea what the actual conversation will go. She may decide to go with the better school for the kids, or she may stick to her guns and push for them to be up there. If that happens, then I guess it will have to be decided by a judge.

[pilot]

So had another text conversation with W about kids and where they will be living. She expressed her concern that she would not be able to afford to live where I am and have the kids go to school here. I just "listened" to her texts. I had asked her for more details as to how she saw things if the kids went to school in her town. During her conversation she used phrases like "depending on our plans" (referring to me and her) and asking questions like "are you thinking we would both rent places close to <the school near me>? No mind reading but those phrases could have numerous meanings. I half wanted to ask her to clarify what she meant by 'our plans'. It just seems she has been dodging the R talk or anything that might seem like she is asking me what I thought about the R. Heck, she is DBing me!! Haha.

Our texting frequently has subsided ever since my son said we were meeting a 'friend' for dinner. She texted me a photo of a grilled cheese sandwich yesterday with the caption 'in honor of S3' (his fav food). I waited about 5 minutes, went outside with a plate broke off a leafy branch from the landscape, grabbed some pine straw and a pine cone on the plate and took a picture. I texted her the picture with the caption "in honor of you". She replied almost immediately saying she laughed out loud. (I always gave her a hard time when she ate lots of veggies saying it looked like she just went out in the yard and put stuff on her plate) Other than that and the school talk, nothing. Oh well.