Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[pilot]

I look at it this way. As a father and husband it is my responsibility to take care of my family. That means my kids, my wife, and if anything is left, me. Your kids will always be your kids. Your wife does not want to be your wife anymore. She wants out of your family. Part of being out of your family means she drops on your priority list. That is not punishment that is just the reality of family vs non family.

[Barrybran]

Absolutely and I understand that. I've chosen to support my wife as I want to be someone who supports their family, even when times are bad. It was a conscious decision made with the fantastic help of the members here and despite this latest setback, I stand by it. I had some epiphanies today that helped me understand my decisions and future actions better.

A couple of days ago, when my wife's mood changed, she received an email from a potential employer that effectively said she would go in a queue. Her would-be boss advised her to contact the area manager, which she did and the response she received made her question whether she would actually get the position. She's been down and our interactions have suffered ever since. On top of that, we're trying to do our tax and she can receive more money on her tax return by declaring our separation than by not doing so. Lastly, she discovered yesterday that even by declaring our separation, she would not receive any extra family assistance payments unless she moved out. These issues have really brought money, our relationship and separation and her independence to the front of her mind.

She said something this morning about the last time she was out of work and had to rely on me financially. She mentioned that it didn't go well (it didn't), that she was negative and depressed (she was) and that she is trying to avoid those feelings this time. I didn't catch on at first but her most recent memory of this situation is that she had no independence and I controlled her through money. I feel that she fears this will happen again.

My wife told me last night and this morning that she had no choice but to rely on my income. I told her both times that she was strong and intelligent and that she did have a choice how she moved forward. Whilst I know she has a choice in how she handles her situation, I missed the point that she feels trapped. Once I realised this I apologised for dismissing her feelings.

My wife appears to not consider leaving as an option. Things were fine up until a couple of days ago and this is the first real test for us since I have been through this journey. I understand, as much as it feels unfair, that my role is to continue to support her emotionally when she needs it, listen to and validate her feelings and not jump in and solve her problems. I feel that despite the potentially shaky ground we're entering, I feel pretty confident that I can navigate it now that I understand her fear.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I played my second game of soccer today. It was a good run but my team got belted. The other team showed good teamwork and strategy and our defence were sitting ducks with our midfielders lagging behind the play. I've had a run in defence both weeks and I've enjoyed it as I'm no playmaker and I'm pretty unfit so it's a good spot to be able to read the play and rather than overstressing my body because I don't know who is where and find myself behind the play.

One interesting thing that came up prior to my first game was that my wife's first serious boyfriend plays for the soccer team. It was in high school and he's now married with kids of his own so the only issue would be of a sentimental nature in my wife's mind. He's a nice guy and I don't foresee any issues. There was another guy on my team who bore an uncanny resemblance to the potential OM from the beginning of this year. He also had the same name. Funnily enough, I was playing alongside him last week and he was directing play helping me with where to go, etc. This week, someone asked me who I had met on the team (some new faces emerged) and I rattled them off but I didn't know this guy's last name but I knew potential OM's last name. Turns out it's him. So not only is my wife's first serious boyfriend on the team but so is the guy my wife considered dating at the start of this year.

Several months ago this would have been a freak out for me. Today, I'm actually amused by it. My wife made a remark about not getting too close to the soccer guys, mentioning the first boyfriend but not potential OM. It's my thing and being a small town, I'm going to run into people who have a connection with my wife. At the end of the day, I'm there to get fit and meet people and I'm enjoying myself. I understand the comment and it will be something to address when the time is right, not for the sake of knowing but understanding any concerns she has and hopefully making her more comfortable to be able to come and support me when she feels up to it (probably not until next season).

On the job front, she received an email from another potential employer saying she was "under consideration". This perked her up immensely and she's back to the positive woman she has been recently. She has also been talked up by the person who owns the building her store is in as whoever takes over the lease is going to need a team to run the new store. My wife has been consumed with work, as have I, and future/baby talk has reappeared. I understand now to just roll with the. punches, be supportive and not react to her moods but to listen, validate and let her work through her moods.

Nothing is concrete of course. She's facing unemployment in two weeks and she could either remain unemployed, find work in town or find very lucrative work out of town. In the meantime, my boss is scheduled to have surgery in three weeks so I will be running the store on my own for the three weeks that follow. It will be an insight into how my schedule will look once she leaves for good and despite my boss' misfortune, especially the financial burden she is about to face, I am excited for the opportunity to see how things are going to work for my family and I and getting some extra income to offset my debt.

I am struggling with my uni work at the moment and I am now a week behind the course after only three weeks. I have two assignments coming up and thankfully I am on top of one. I am not stressed though I am constantly aware of where I'm at and what needs to be done. My poor kids have missed out on me this week between me having to cover ridiculous shifts, opening AND closing the store twice this week while having a 4-5 hour lunch break, and also trying to catch up on uni work. Hopefully this week goes a little more smoothly this week at work and I'll be able to catch up slightly. I'm still taking on more of the burden at home as my wife is working long hours and is under a lot of stress. As much as my uni work is suffering, it has made me prioritise things in my mind and while there is room for improvement, I feel I am on the right track supporting my wife and looking after the kids/house and doing my things (soccer/uni/rest) in my time.

Despite the potential stressors I feel pretty good. I'm upbeat most of the time with the only exception being the couple of days my wife and I had a disagreement. My wife told me before she found out her store was closing that she was reading a book called ACT with love and that there were activities for her/me/us if/when she/I/we are ready. Obviously our relationship has been on the backburner since the announcement of the closure though I did start reading a preview version of this book a couple of nights ago and I may download the full version as I am enjoying it and I will understand where she is coming from when she does bring it up again.

Tonight, I'm home alone as the kids are with family and my wife is out at a birthday party with friends so it's football and study for me before a 6am start tomorrow.

So a lot is happening, I don't have enough time or money in my day and yet I feel good about life. I know things will ease off at some point and hopefully my wife and I continue to grow through it all.

[Ggrass]

So how's it going mr b!

[labug]

I really like your thread title.

[Barrybran]

Thanks bug. Nothing new relationship-wise, Ggrass, but W is officially unemployed now and we enter a new chapter as she looks for work. We'll be living off my income and whatever welfare we get for the kids and it'll be a test for us as the last time we were in this position, my wife felt I controlled her through money. It'll take some time to build trust up on that matter and I'm in no rush. Relationship-wise, nothing has really changed recently. She cooled off for a couple of weeks but was playful last night. There is no relationship talk but she has kept communication up with me, still talks about babies and talks about the future in terms of "us" and "we". I read a book she had been reading called ACT With Love and there was a lot of good information in it. I told her I had read it and was open to discussing it with her when she was ready. She's not mentioned anything about it yet but I wasn't expecting anything.

On a personal front, I've had a pretty big week. I had two uni assignments due, my first in ten years, and life seemed to throw everything at me it could. I ran my hot water unit dry in one day, my washing machine became blocked, the kids were the kids, work threw everything at me it could, and housework was piling up. On top of that, my wife was in the final stages of closing the store and I helped her run errands and just tried to be there for her at the end of days. I made it through the week largely unscathed. My hands took a beating from the washing machine but I won that battle, unblocked it and got it working again. I'm proud of that as I'm not a mechanical person and my wife had a mini freak out when I told her I pulled it apart. Despite the week, I got my assignments submitted on time so I'm very happy with that.

[25yearsmlc]

well done Barry, for a crazy week, you survived and had some victories. Sometimes getting thru the week IS the victory.

You sound good. So you know, at your age I began to realize a lot of life was "work"...I mean, it's obvious but it really wasn't that clear to me until I had my "dream job" (turns out no such thing!) AND was happily married and had kids.

I realized OMG life is hard! Where is the "ME" time? (What's that?) But as you learn to enjoy these mini victories you come to realize that savoring these and then really being in the moment with your kids, or your loved ones, is KEY to enjoying life.

You're getting that from soccer, and that's how it can be with family life too. It really is the little things that add up to being the big things.

Also a dear friend of mine whom I greatly respect, has urged me to get that ACT book and check it out for DBers. I'm glad you liked it and I will be reading it soon.

Kudos to you for taking your w's advice and being open to discussing is. Remember to LISTEN like man who just got his first hearing aids...(does that line work?)

IMO, I would strongly suggest you Hold off baby talk until you both have had time to FEEL COMFORTABLE with each other.

No marriage isn't thrown off balance by a new baby, even a planned one. I was told when I was about to have our first child, not to judge the marriage by how we felt the first year.

That was great advice.

And we were in a wonderful place when we had our son,maritally speaking although professionally I was still in law school and h had just entered medical school so that timing aspect was lousy. But we made it.

Having a child is a lot harder than you think, however. Even though it's also more wonderful, it's just way more demanding and unrelentingly so. The physical part surprised me b/c my mom had 9 kids and never mentioned how exhausting pregnancy was OR what an ordeal giving birth is. I had a natural birth, but I felt really zonked out physically for a few weeks. Not to mention the other changes that came.

Thus, I'd urge you to wait on that til you are more financially stable for sure, (b/c she will feel pulled to stay at home if she is like 90% of new moms)

and maritally stable.

But you can daydream all you want. (I never understood my h's fears of daydreaming. I'd dream out loud about a "dream vacation" and h would always say things like "We can't afford THAT" and I'd be thinking "no kidding, but can I TALK about it??" As if I didn't know we couldn't take a hot air balloon across the country... But sure, talking about babies IS fun, and helps you both iron out small issues ahead of time. While things are calm and agreeable and fun to discuss, which is not the case when the baby is on the way! Then the pressure is really on and every little annoying thing a spouse does, become a terrifying red flag of warning...

Otherwise, on the whole you sound really circumspect and smart and healthy. Well done.

Good luck with your w's job search. Reassure her that SHE will do well and find something she likes, eventually, but DO remember that women want men to be good providers and protectors (even if our feminist friends don't admit hearing us say that) .

So reassure her that YOU will there for her and you guys will make it "no matter what" and help her feel safe with you. Let her lean on your shoulder if she needs that.

You want her leaning on YOU, not anyone else so that means you have to provide the shoulder for her.

Make sense?

[Barrybran]

Yeah that all makes sense. I agree with you about having stability before trying for another baby. It's something that has been important to my wife for a long time now. Prior to BD, having another baby was something that she wanted and I repeatedly shot down rather than discussing it. I feel my concerns were legitimate, particularly with needing another car (which she has since bought herself since separation) and how it would affect my eldest son who already suffers because of the time and energy my youngest two require, however I lost sight of the fact that it was something she wanted and that it was important to her. ie. I invalidated the crap out of her.

Whilst I still have concerns about having another child, the fact that she's brought it up again is both a sign that she is warming and a discussion point where I can listen and validate. I'll have my chance to discuss my concerns when the time is right so I'm happy to just sit tight until then.

On another note, my wife and kids came to watch me play soccer yesterday. My wife hates sport with a passion and my games are one hour out of town. She could have easily stayed home, gone to visit a friend or done anything else and instead, she chose to come and spend the day with me. There was no lovey dovey, we just chatted and enjoyed some time out of the house with our kids. She chatted with one of my teammates wives and my kids went off to play with other kids while I played my game. In the past I would feel down because of a lack of affection or interest. Through DB, I've learned to appreciate times like yesterday because my wife could have done something else and instead chose to do something with me. I thanked her and the kids on the drive home and thanked her again privately before I went to bed and left it at that.

[Barrybran]

I've had some thoughts lately about my future. Things are still stagnant in my relationship with my wife and whilst I know her happiness is tied to her work situation at the moment, there are signs creeping in that things will go back to the way they were before my affair.

Before my affair, I felt that I was not important to my wife. It sounds juvenile to want to know that you're wanted but throughout this process I have come to understand that I explicitly need to know I'm wanted by my wife to feel love. Granted, these days and with all the information I've come across this past year, I don't need it at all but I would find it difficult to feel love without knowing for sure. For me, I feel that I should know in an instant that I'm wanted and if not, then I need to address the issue or perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.

The thoughts that I've had have made me wonder more about the future of our situation. I continue to stand by my decision to stand by my wife and I will see that out. We're talking quite some time yet so I understand that my situation has some maturing to do. I have thought about how the future might pan out though as I'm not going to wait around forever. Something that stuck out to me is that I cheated because I didn't respect myself. Now, I understand that if I feel unloved or unwanted again, I bring it up with my wife and if she doesn't want to play ball I need to look out for myself and that may mean me leaving instead. Again, we're talking well down the road.

All in all, there will be a lot to discuss when the time comes. I hope it comes soon but I'm not holding my breath. My anniversary is at the end of this month. I'm going to buy her flowers and I feel good about that decision. There won't be any fanfare; it's a nothing day right now. It is still an important date to me and my wife deserves flowers whether we have a relationship or not. The only downside at the moment is that I'm off work that day so I'll be around my wife. I may wind up getting out of the house for a bit because I probably won't want to be here.

[Barrybran]

So I've had some developments and learning opportunities these past couple of days. Three nights ago, S7 had stayed up past his bedtime and when my wife asked him to pack his things up and go to bed, he protested. This has been an ongoing thing and I was fed up with this new nightly ritual as well as his general insolent behaviour. I felt my wife was allowing him to play her so I went in, firmly told him to go to bed and when he refused, I carried him to his bed. My wife was angry at me for interfering and rightfully so. I had to go and get some money out so I left the house briefly and when I came back, she had gone to her bedroom. She came out and we talked about the situation. There was no yelling though there were some emotions present on both sides. I felt that we had both expressed ourselves and listened to one another. We ended the conversation and I felt it was somewhat unresolved.

I had to work early the next day so I didn't see anyone until I got home from work. I hadn't really had much time to process the previous evening and for some reason, I felt like I needed space from my wife and son. My wife was quite jovial and maintained this disposition despite my obvious distance. I'm quite happy with how things turned out as I feel my wife could see I needed space and she left me to do my own thing, she looked after the kids and I didn't interfere until she explicitly asked for my help and she stayed positive and upbeat when previously she would shut down from me. I could also see she was more firm with the kids so while we didn't come to an agreement the previous evening, I feel like there was some progress on both sides.

Later that evening, my wife asked me to go through my things in my bedroom. Since she has finished working, she has gone through the house and shed and organised things. I thought it was quite strange that she wanted me to organise my things but I left it alone. The following morning, she asked me again as well as asking my opinion on the layout of her bedroom and space in the walk in robe. This time, curiousity got the better of me and I asked why she wanted me involved in this. She told me that she was preparing for the future. ie. me moving back into the main bedroom with her.

I was taken aback. We've been getting along but there has been nothing to indicate she wants to resume our marriage again. I felt uneasy about the prospect of moving back in and I asked her if this was a 'now' thing or a 'later' thing. She said she was preparing but had no date on it to which I was somewhat relieved. I told her that I wasn't ready and that our relationship needed work before I would be ready to move back in. It's nice that she's thinking of it and even preparing for it. On the other hand, I don't want to move back in as a matter of convenience; I want to move back in because we're working on our marriage and intimacy. I don't think I could move back in feeling like we're just housemates or friends. I did tell her I'd like to try bed-swapping, kind of like when we resumed dating when lived apart for a few months prior to marriage, before moving back in. I guess I feel that I want to be courted and court her too rather than her just saying 'ok, you can move in now'.

I worked last night and this morning and this is the first time I've been able to really process it all. I do feel like I need to express my feelings to her about our parenting and the bedroom move but I also feel the need to take some time and process the feelings myself. So far, all I've done is work and chase kids so I haven't had time to think.

I have a day off tomorrow. My girls have been driving my wife up the wall so I plan to take them out of the house for a while tomorrow. I will need to get into some uni work because it's been more than a week since I've done any and I am still well behind. Thankfully, there are two uni-free weeks coming up so I'm hoping to catch up in this time.