NERO - is this still ME?

[nero]

hey hiya -

I just came in for food and saw your note. i was sitting down to say that i had a thought - out there in sun digging weeds from curb (i hate grass btw)\

I do not know what makes him "not mature" enough to stop behaving like a cad - and value what he's got & me and "get normal". so, is he just selfishpig? or insane/mlc?

or is mlc just something we "use" to tell ourselves til we're past the insane misery portion of the show- and getting to the jump ship portion of teh show?

the continual insane quandry of dbing!!! do you ever know the answer??? is there one? it's him coming back up here in a week - me going down there for a month- something i DECIDED i want to do - but honestly- maybe i should not go into that old life - and have it rubbed in my face? (that it's not like old times?) i'm trying to "face my fears" sort of thing and not just run and hide (up here in nj) but honestly- does it mean or accomplish anything? i'm not sure anymore.

my gut says GO - BE A PART OF THAT HOUSE AND TOWN AND LIFE TOO - DO NOT JUST RELEGATE SELF TO ONE PLACE AND "HIDE OUT" - GET YOUR GUTS UP AND STAY IN HIS FACE IN MY OWN "PLACE" IN HIS LIFE. DON'T HAND IT ALL OVER TO OW SO EASILY - DON'T "BECOME MEEK AND ACCEPTING" ACT LIKE I'M PART OF HIS LIFE AND THAT LIFE AND ACT AS IF....

with me -lately - it's seeing and listening to my mother - alone since my dad died in 1969- lonely as heck last bunch of years when all her freinds died and she became less and less able to get about. mind going a bit - unhappy - lonely as helllllll always. and telling me daily since i was only one seeing her - - my sisters too - three out of five with no one to share life with (it makes them bitter-ish) - one couldn't face her breakup and died of alcoholism as result (long story- but sure as heck, the jerk who broke her heart did it). it seeps into your pores- i don't want THAT.

so maybe i have some morbid fear of being alone - tho i'm alone a hell of alot- and function okay. (but i have h there in some wierd capacity still) i'd just rather someone in the house - no one even knows or cares if i come home at nite- that seems soooo unfulfilling - maye i'm being a wah wah baby now aren't I?

HE HAPPENS to be all i have at the moment. it's "soemthing" rather than nothing. sad but true. it's f'ing shabby - and here i am ,thinking it's better than nothing. i'm soooo put-a-good-face-on it- accept what you're given rather than jump up and down adn DEMAND what you want. (but, can you really demand someone feel differently than they do?)

i drive myself nuts. But - even if i think i'm a nice guy and decent citizen- it doesn't follow that i can make anyone else think it and feel it - does it? that's my real problem. i can be a sterling guy til the cows come home- if this jerk thinks he's in love (tho he throws that word around to both ow i know of). he's always been scared & hard as hell to say it to me forever - tho usually managed once a year or so. when it's fake crappola- he can sling it allover teh place. wtf???

i can even be grateful for that, part time something - he pays my bills, lack of poverty and somehow is still "there" in my life. not what i'd like- but what the heck is he doing it for? that's me- grateful for whatever the heck comes my way. I never demanded or neeeeded all "the best". i thought it was a strong point in me- grateful for whatr i had, not jealous or greedy for more -

i've thought that legally maybe he knows that he can't even kick a non-paying tenant out on the street - so maybe he keeps me around because he's afraid i'll sue him? it doesn't seem likely since i said first thing and several times since i could be out of his life in a week- and he makes a case forme staying around- esier for me, etc. he "convinces" me to stay in his life- i let him.

idk - maybe he can't let go becasue somewhere inside he realizes he and i have some tie that is huge?? i just don't know and he can't speak. no kidding- it will all die on the shelf becasue of his non-communication and inability to look long and hard inside self and figure what's most important to him & convey it. ya know that song "say something, i'm giving up on you"?? i think that.

i want more- do i have a right to it tho?? who the heck kn ows. i liked it in olden days- living together. this apart stuff is my doing - the two houses. i could kick self - maybe that makes me less judgmental & final. (raised knowing no matter what in the world happens- "it's your own darn fault"- thanks mom)

it is abuse (affairs) - because it's demeaning to other person. whether or not the purp realizes it (and i think they delude themselves so as not to feel like the rat they are).

I could separate and not probably go under financially. i have savings for my "old age" - no kids that will "save" me if i need it- probably me on own. soo can keep self afloat til find some sort of job- i do not think i will be able to (realistically) get a job that will pay alot- i think i can get by with luck.

PROBLEM is the loneliness- i find myself PREFERRING & "needing?" to have someone in my life besides just me. i can get a dog- but it's not the same is it? i was raised in a "pack" and i like that best - being part of something. allllllllllllllllll alone- well, what's the point? even being wonderful is no darn good if nobody else is there to share it with- EVERYTHING is better shared.

lately h is killing himself to be nice, do stuff and go on trips when he's here. it's something we both like- i enjoy it and think he does too - BUT I am suspicious. OF IT. of him being soooo nice. see- that is what it's done to me. can't even enjoy self when he's being old self - because i'm thinking what the heck is up. i think(know) it's guilt. last bunch of years (i can see now) the only time he's been really nice is when he's going to see ow - i believe he is "buying me off" when he's being rotten and knows it. i may think i'm dbing and letting him run his course - but he is seeing me accept the sitch as it is (i fear) - i don't think he intends to ever stop it. it's come to that- maybe.

i'm not being wiseguy- i think lies and deception and hurting someone you know loves you is a conscious decision to disregard another human beings happiness in order to have something you WANT - AND at same time you apparently WANT to keep faithful old jerk around - "just in case". or some thing like that. his old stupid line is he "cares a great deal about me". f that. if he is soooooooooo "love of his life" about ow - go f'ing have her. i've said it - more than once- he doesn't "stick up for himself or her" or correct me - he doesn't say a thing.

that being said- i can't make myself look good here. i've always been a pretty confident kind of gal- this has knocked me for a loop- and made me think things i've never had in mind my whole life. like this dump junk- i moan here and there - and i can see that when i like something (like the r i've formed with my neices - since babyhood) and want it in my life- i'm willing to suck up the crappola from a sister that might take advantage- because i think in the long run it makes my r with the kids go smoother. does that make sense? i can see my part in being the dumpee- guilty - so paid my dues - NOW - just how does one do a 180 with that ?? i'm tryin hard- it is difficult to say NO to people. i am trying- they just push it and push it to have their own way AND DO AS THEYplease - til i back off because i'm not goign to spend my life in a state of resistence & "fighting". and i do- i see as i'm saying this. -

UH OH - I HEARD THAT- i just need to do that old 180 somehow.

i'm sorry for this rant- i know you can see from this junk that i'm in a bit of a twirl today- overwhelmed is a mild description.

need to take one little step at a time here and STOP trying to figure out entire thing all at once - i am so not in control of this life i'm having. i hate that.

i could take control- i would need to man up and NOT CONSIDER another living soul - failing to have my own giant RULES AND DEMANDS - I SEEM to lack the direction i need to be "big boss man". i have to go think about that-

my only goals seem vague , like" get some structure back in life, figure out where i live and regain sense of well-being and happiness"

cripes- okay- back to gar den- sorry if i made ya nuts. i'm not "goin under" oranything- mostly just spinning out of control for the moment i gu3ss"

i'm sure heat will exhaust me this p.m. and i'll shut up and go away.

xxoo thanks for even bothering- so why is it so bad to appreciate that someone might take the time to respond? why is it so bad to be grateful - even if what you have is waaaay less than the most you'd like to have? why is it bad to say thanks? (something no one i know here seems to be able to manage) i am surrounded with people who think if they do not say thank you- they don't have to feel grateful or they don't have to acknowledge what you've done (usually for them), etc. i'm bummed with people today- who could tell???

[nero]

hey hi and thanks for note-

i'm tryin. i think i'm just havin a bad morning today. yesterday i felt actually sick to my stomach thinking of talking to h on phone. why? just anxiety - over what? idk.

you are rite about the people. my h is ruining my memories- i think the ch eating has alwasy bveen there- unknown to me. he says not- i think he lies. after all- i've discovered what a giant liar he is. the problem with lies huh?

oph well- trying to rise above- failing miserably today- hoping to do better tomorrow. guess we all have a fall off the wagon now or then- oh yeah- my buddha book says i don't have to "be better" and "know the answers" - i just have to acknowledge and make peace with my shortcomings gently - and get on with it. control them - but not judge self harshly -

i'm impatient for a life with love in it that i CAN share and spread. i do have alot i kn ow- happiness for me seems to HAVE TO include other people- i just do not see or feel the whole "I am my whole world"kind of thing. my world is improved by sharing it - all of it- happy- sad- just adds dimension. alone is not my happy place really-

)(weLL TIL life is soooo busy i long for alone time- it's hard to get it allll adjusted just rite huh? i do see the insanity of what i'm saying here- btw...

so, this is me and what is my "i want more". i want this mess of dbing and mlc to j ust go away from my life and i want allllllll the (what?) fun and wodnerfment he's found with ow??? (if that's whtat it is) - i want happiness oozing out of me - and excitement of seeing my lover - if that's what he's got. he doesn't deserve it any more than me- i'm jealous that a rat gets it- and good old me doesn'tQ - wah hic , wah

how's that for being a spoiled brat today- i'm sick of being understanding of allll his - what? - mlc - neurosis- i've got my own

i can do better- (well, maybe today i can't and i just gotta wallow til it's passed?)

xxoo

[LoisB]

yesterday i felt actually sick to my stomach thinking of talking to h on phone. why? just anxiety - over what? idk.

Nero, I think the anxiety is normal. This man is deeply hurting you. A part of you is sending you warning signals, "Danger!" I think it's natural to feel anxiety when communicating with someone who has abused you so profoundly...much like a person feels anxiety when faced with an attacker in a courtroom.

The thing is...think about who he is really. He is a mere mortal who obviously has a lot of flaws...one of which is NOT seeing how beautiful you are. :-)

Take the power you are giving him and send it back in your own direction.

It seems to me that you have a lot of anger and frustration and pent up feelings about how you've been treated and you abuse yourself with your own powerful feelings.

Just my two cents.

Much Love,

Heather

[GoatGal]

nero,

I've felt the same way talking to H on the phone. Or in person.

The first few months, just being around him made me throw up. Literally.

It still causes a pounding heart when I talk to him sometimes. Less and less as time goes by.

It's normal... and it stinks.

Lois has a lot of good advice above.


---GG

[LoisB]

One more note: I think we tend to give the MLC-er too much power and overestimate their value because they've hurt us so deeply. Our brain sends us warning signals and those signals can be misconstrued and confusing when combined with old feelings of love.

Don't let your brain convince you that he is more powerful than he is now. You are stronger than you know. You've made it this far. :-)

[exquisitetobe]

QUOTE:" i'm impatient for a life with love in it that i CAN share and spread. i do have alot i kn ow- happiness for me seems to HAVE TO include other people- i just do not see or feel the whole "I am my whole world"kind of thing. my world is improved by sharing it - all of it- happy- sad- just adds dimension. alone is not my happy place really-

That makes perfect sense It shows how loveable and caring YOU ARE. Your happiness is from helping others WHO APPRECIATE your effort with a THANK YOU and a SMILE !! It validates your good deed and gratify your pride and joy. It is not the others that made you happy, it is the feeling you get when you make a positive difference in your actions. AS SIMPLE AS OPENING A DOOR FOR AN elderly to smiling at someone who looked exhausted and smiled back at you with a look of appreciation. You sound a bit like me You are special and yes, we all have those funky days but stormy weather never last forever.

quote: i want allllllll the (what?) fun and wodnerfment he's found with ow??? (if that's whtat it is)"

That depends on how you perceive cheating.. Is it something you can do to someone else? If not, then it wouldn' t be fun. It would eat at you, the guilt and shame wouldn' t be towards your partner, it would be towards your actions and maybe would be mirrored in your partner.. See the game play here?

Nero, you are moving forward nicely Just STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF AND YOUR VALUES !! this is the best advice I gave myself to move forward without to much self-inflected damage.

[willbwell]

nero, you got the happiness thing. it is not for holding in or for having at someone else's expense... its for giving and for sharing, no matter what grey sky is above us. You have given it to your nieces. I hope that my boys will get that. I tell them.... don't think you are just some island out there or that you are entitled...
It goes around and it will come back around. at the end of the day , I want to say i did my best.
I think I have thought for far too long that my h, is it! I put him up on such a pedestal. slowly, I beginning to see his humanness, but more so and sadly, I am seeing he is not one willing to grow. I want honesty and goodness and kindness in my life. h is a kind of person that puts himself first.
I think we deserve better than that

[nero]

You Guys - lois, goatgal, exquisite & willbe -

i'm humbled by your kind responses -

i'm sittin here havin a blub just because you are all so generous & nice to take a minute and share your thoughts and be supportive. i have to come back later when i'm composed.

thanks - you'll never know how much it helps (& means) to have you guys out there

xxo

[nero]

hey hi-

I had alot of sleep last nite- and i have no past today. I am going to have the best day today that i can.

I thank you guys for looking at what i thought/felt and not just saying what a big baby - but offering your insights.

you guys are so wise - when i get like thAt - This morning i feel a little shabby for not having more gratitude for the good stuff and ashamed of letting the bad stuff get soooo big it swallows me up.

objectively- (physically ) my life is great. I can have all the time in the world to do whatever i like, stomach full - bills paid, cute house, - any kind of possession i want i have- - - some $$ in the bank- and so on - ACCORDING TO OUR societal standards - i should be feelin like i'm in heaven - right.

funny thing is- without the emotional side of my life being in order - That all is not worth so much - is it? that's my big big realization in this db thing. it amazes me to think it is all nothing if you have big "troubles".

it is humbling - and i am thankful for the good, honest i am.

I'm thankful that you guys can look at my "junk" and understand and leave me feeling like - "okay, so today a dip in the road - tomorrow will be back "up" . no big deal.... i remember now- ups and downs - don't freak out.

I think it's the strict "keeping control" allllll the time in life- always always always stopping myself before i say something i can't retract - or that would hurt someone - "rising above" it all, "doing what i should" , being a "good girl", etc - that darn little voice is a hard task master - and so on.

When i get like yesterday - I feel like I need to make it "the end" - don't want to- but might just go bizerk and do anything rather than NOTHING. (impatience to a deadly degree) did you ever feel like - afraid to go to the edge of the cliff you'r standing on, or edge of whatever becasue inside you have one little fear you might jump off ? (if there is nothing between you and "down")? i've felt it since childhood- do not know what the heck that is - i sure never feel like dying- but i recognize it. it's sickening. it is that thing on the phone sometimes.

i feltl it's allll soooo fruitless - a stupid phone convo- instead of a "reallife". it's not good and it's not "enough" for me. except- it suits his current lifestyle - and i'm stuck at the moment in life. this dbing is going to save me or kill me - no kidding. i've dug deeper for patience than ever before in my entire life-

mom's last bunch of years & all that worry & sadness & the anger and current fights of my sisters - everyone being at each other's throats. i just want to not know about it all. i thought once she died alllllllllll the bs would die with that awful sitch- what a fool i was! can't even mourn properly with these sisters still bashing the poor woman- nothing is "enough" for them. it's sad and depressing. (expectations, entitlement, greeeed??)

i need to STEP BACK BIG TIME AND LET THESE WOMEN have their lives and i feel badly to not have more sympathy for their respective plights- but i keep reminding self they'll all get a big ole gob of cash that is more than they ever saved or would save in life- so it's a chance to somehow have a bit of a "new beginning" and they need to feel gratitude instead of greed and anger. (who are these people? who actually gets word they'll get a big old inheritance and says it should be more???) i can't get over it- ever...

right? Okay- i'm getting out of here- before i open this can of worms when i'm feeling pleasant and upbeat.

today right? have the best day one can and no past and no future....

enjoy the knowledge i did one long hard job to a "successful" conclusion - kept mom home (she began "failing 2008 when Linda died) it's been a long long road. - she died in her own little room in her own little bed with her kids around her- never crashed her car - never got loaded up with drugs that would not have "saved" her - i did keep her having her life til the last possible moment (despite everyone in world's constant ADVICE ABOUT how to do it differently, better, etc.) - she never reached the time when she wanted to live somewhere else or have someone live with her- so she always had the choice - and was happy at her own kitchen table -

i think i can, i think i can...(little engine that could)

I have come so far (i think) from the beginning. hardest things i've ever lived thru and remained on course. i just flag now or then-

I do overthink things - the more i'm by myself- the bigger a hole i dig myself into. i know you guys are right and i neeed to not even allow h the "power" to jank me up.

It is myself. it is a bit of guilt about thinking i need to be a "hard@ss" more in life. not to have power- just because i hear myself say i feel trapped - in my role- and i realize it's a role i've perpetuated from just being some guy in a big family and it was my "job" - getting along, sharing-keeping everyone happy & in between mom and everyone. i need to let that go with my mom- duty done - can't "make anyone happy" - can't even make self happy- we all have our own journey-

thanks for the help along mine-

i'm, outta here- garden calls - as usual- big plans for the day & allllllll i'm going to accomplish *(not) but wtf...

thanks again- you are beautiful people -

[exquisitetobe]

To answer your question, I did have thought of leaving all and I mean ALL behind.. I wished I had an accident but I did not want to cause the accident. Then, I thought of escaping with money and clothes.. Then I started thinking about my kids.. Each of them individually and what I would be putting them through if I went ahead with my crazy ideas. I CRIED AND CRIED AND started seeing what their lives would have been like. OMG !! IT WAS AWFUL !! It opened my eyes and made me take charge again. I needed to get healthy and fast for myself and them. It was a step forward in my journey. Suicide was never in my mind. Fight or flight would describe my feelings. Anger towards XH was also in mind. For me to run would have shown him what my life was like and would have been a sweet revenge of having him stuck to deal with it all.. It wasn' t a smart move and definitely was not a solution because I would have destroyed my kids.

I set a goal for myself to return to whom I used to be. Devoted, dedicated, kind, organized, dependable.... Day after day, I rise higher and higher and I am soo proud of myself.

The worst is over for me. The battle I have now is 3 teenagers and an 11 yrs old.. lol Hard but imo, a piece of cake compared to 5 yrs ago ( BD ) lol