She says she's conflicted (part 2)

[MrBond]

"I know she is getting that from OM, he tells her to not call me her husband. He demands that she says the house I live in etc...

He even told her to call his car her car and that she HAS to call his apartment their apartment or he would ignore her!!!!!

I can not believe she puts up with this."

You talk to her the same way.

"My concern is, how is asking her to not text him and call him right under my nose when we are visiting our son being controlling."

That's not what you said she was doing earlier. In fact, I don't recall you "asking" her to not do anything. You demanded that she not take her cell phone. That was the controlling part.

[Oxford1]

"I know she is getting that from OM, he tells her to not call me her husband. He demands that she says the house I live in etc...

He even told her to call his car her car and that she HAS to call his apartment their apartment or he would ignore her!!!!!

I can not believe she puts up with this."

You talk to her the same way.
now that's what I don't get. If the affair was all about the way I treat her, why did she pick someone that even the MC and her old IC said was 100x worse then me? The collaborative divorce coach said it was that she wanted to be romanced, that she could fix him, felt bad for him and fantasizes about the life he was offering. He also said I can't forget that she has come back to me in some regard.
So Mr. Bond I was told I need to be more of an Alpha man, how does this fit into all of what this site and DB has said. It seems that an Alpha is more demanding etc.

"My concern is, how is asking her to not text him and call him right under my nose when we are visiting our son being controlling."

That's not what you said she was doing earlier. In fact, I don't recall you "asking" her to not do anything. You demanded that she not take her cell phone. That was the controlling part.

Ok I get it. Asking versus demanding.

[MrBond]

"now that's what I don't get. If the affair was all about the way I treat her, why did she pick someone that even the MC and her old IC said was 100x worse then me?"

In YOUR eyes he's 100x's worse than you. Not to her. It's what he DOES give her in a positive way is you should be concentrating on.

"The collaborative divorce coach said it was that she wanted to be romanced, that she could fix him, felt bad for him and fantasizes about the life he was offering."

That's correct.

"He also said I can't forget that she has come back to me in some regard. "

That's also correct.

"So Mr. Bond I was told I need to be more of an Alpha man, how does this fit into all of what this site and DB has said. It seems that an Alpha is more demanding etc."

Who told you that? First of all, your definition of an "alpha" is being a d*ck to a woman. That's not what it is at all. An "alpha" leads through strength of character. Not through how loud they are.

[figgeroni]

the only person you can control is yourself

You can not make her end her affair
you can not make her not text him or call him or fantasize about a life with him


you can only control yourself
make yourself a better person

[Oxford1]

"now that's what I don't get. If the affair was all about the way I treat her, why did she pick someone that even the MC and her old IC said was 100x worse then me?"

In YOUR eyes he's 100x's worse than you. Not to her. It's what he DOES give her in a positive way is you should be concentrating on.

"The collaborative divorce coach said it was that she wanted to be romanced, that she could fix him, felt bad for him and fantasizes about the life he was offering."

That's correct.

"He also said I can't forget that she has come back to me in some regard. "

That's also correct.

"So Mr. Bond I was told I need to be more of an Alpha man, how does this fit into all of what this site and DB has said. It seems that an Alpha is more demanding etc."

Who told you that? First of all, your definition of an "alpha" is being a d*ck to a woman. That's not what it is at all. An "alpha" leads through strength of character. Not through how loud they are.

This is an understatement and I agree with it.
That's what I am trying to focus on.

She will tell me OM is a sweet guy but then tell me how they are similar and fight more then she and I ever did...again her excuse is it's because they are so much alike..he's her father, her brother and her lover..( she has not used this in over a month)

What I am trying to do is stay calm and not let her anger me. I also avoid conversations with her about OM. It only comes up when she puts all the blame on me for her affair.

[Oxford1]

the only person you can control is yourself

You can not make her end her affair
you can not make her not text him or call him or fantasize about a life with him


you can only control yourself
make yourself a better person

This is what the MC has been working with me on in individual sessions.

[Cadet]

Ox I know that you cant see this but the affair sounds like it may die of its own weight, just let go and let her flounder on her own.

I think you are actually starting to make some progress, but dont backslide, you can't fix her or change her, she must do that on her own.

You dont want her back unless she makes the changes to herself.

This wife, the way she is right now, is NOT what you want.

You want her new and improved version.

She will not change over night, give her the space to improve herself.

OK?

[MrBond]

"What I am trying to do is stay calm and not let her anger me. I also avoid conversations with her about OM. It only comes up when she puts all the blame on me for her affair."

The anger is something that you do to yourself. Think of it this way. If she were a stranger and came up to you off the street and started yelling hatred at you, you'd just look at her like she were crazy and then walk away laughing. Think of her as that stranger. You attach meaning to her words which causes you to get angry.

Let it go.

[Oxford1]

Ox I know that you cant see this but the affair sounds like it may die of its own weight, just let go and let her flounder on her own.

I think you are actually starting to make some progress, but dont backslide, you can't fix her or change her, she must do that on her own.

You dont want her back unless she makes the changes to herself.

This wife, the way she is right now, is NOT what you want.

You want her new and improved version.

She will not change over night, give her the space to improve herself.

OK?

Thanks Cadet. That's what I am trying to do right now. Our MC agrees with you.

I have been reading and trying to just fix my issues. I just have to bite my tongue and I am getting better at it.

For example today she called me from work while we were on the phone she said a patient was calling her and she had better get it or they would keep calling...I knew " who" the "patient" was.

I so much wanted to say..I did not know you dealt with mental patients ...

But I did not say it...I kept my mouth shut and ignored it...

[Starsky309]

You dont want her back unless she makes the changes to herself.

This wife, the way she is right now, is NOT what you want.

You want her new and improved version.

She will not change over night, give her the space to improve herself.

OK?

This. ^^^^