Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

Its just a realization that I was in a co-dependent relationship for so long that I bought a book to learn more

[BigMac]

And yes. No swooping. Letting her feel lonely is a good thing.

[BigMac]

Today has been less of GAL for me, but more just be a good dad day. Spending it with S8. (Been doing that the past 4 days). It's been so good to have him with me, 4 days ago he was quiet and withdrawn. Now he is talkative, and happy. It's amazing what a couple days with dad can do for a little boy.

Of course during all of this, still getting waves of missing my W. I hate it when it happens, but I guess it's inevitable, though I wish it would stop.

[BigMac]

Got a contact from the W today on the drive home from the in-laws. Apparently her favorite Guinea Pig died today. The kids (especially D15) was freaking out. We talked for a few minutes, and then she had to call back D15.

I said, ok talk to you in a bit, and no call back (it is late where she is at).

I am not pursuing, texting or anything.

The call was cordial, no tension, just talking. Now that I think of it, every conversation we have had for the past 3-4 weeks has been without anger, or frustration from either side. I don't know if that is normal, the conversations are few and far between, but at least we aren't fighting?

[BigMac]

Journaling

This morning, I started reading co-dependant no more based on a recommendation from one post in the forum. Wow, I can see myself in some of the words.

[BigMac]

Ok, bad day at work today.

I was in the office, researching new neighborhoods in Austin. Comparing home prices, rents, school ratings, commute times. A wave of emotion came over me, my neck tightened up, I had to leave.

My W went out there in April for work, and never came back. She had decided to move to Austin the week we officially separated, and I would agree with anything she asked for back then.

While I am not apposed to moving, the emotions that came over me were so intense that I had to go home. I cried so hard. I know patience is necessary, but the kids and school are kinda forcing the schedule. And our lack of real communication right now makes it even worse.

My coach says to keep all her stuff here in the SF bay, because it will anchor her. I am just lost and confused at the moment, and accepting that it is ok to have a little cry and take some time to myself.

I guess this is my new normal. Kind of OK interspersed with spazing and crying. WTF has my life come too.

[labug]

You can be lost and confused, it happens. Don't judge yourself for your grief.

This too shall pass.

Do you want to move to Autin? Can you move to Austin? How are you going to see your kids?

[BigMac]

labug
I hope it passes. Today I had a therapy appointment where I chose the topic of codependance. How every time I snoop on Facebook or Twitter I just feel bad.

He said that this is like an addiction, that you are addicted to her. And you have to quit. That it will hurt so bad, but it will hurt either way. I'm trying to quit her, but .... I guess I am worried that quitting my W is not loving my wife. I'm worried that I won't want her back.

Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me?

Re: Austin. She moved to Austin 3 months ago (it was over a month before she bothered telling any of us .. she said it was just for work). Legally I can keep the kids in Ca, however that would involve lawyers, as well as controlling my W.
I have really been working on not controlling her, and that includes supporting her if she wants to move the kids out there.

I can work in any of 56 countries in the world, and can work anywhere in America I want to. The only caveat is that if I am outside of Silicon Valley, it means I have to fly a bit more. So, I agreed when I was in my grief state 6 weeks ago to move, although I did say that I wasn't in a position to make a decision then emotionally.

Right now, the kids are with the grandparents 110 miles away. My daughter is pissed at me (16 year old, feels abandoned and doesn't want to come visit me). I have my son however at least every other weekend for 3 days or more. If they move to Austin I will at minimum rent a room there, and change my home address (no state income tax). That puts my home airport out of there, and I have 10,000 excuses to fly back to the bay to my rental house here.

All of W's things are still here, our entire life, art, memories, are here in this house. Luckily it is a rental, and we can move. But it still is just one more change that I'm not so sure I'm ready to make right now. I'm fragile, barely hanging on some days. And while each day seems to be better then the next, most nights have at least one moment of pain and longing.

I wish that I didn't love her, this would be so much easier. Why does love have to be painful?

[BigMac]

Yet another contact from the W. This time asking me to overnight her contacts to her in Austin.

I replied 2 hours later saying I was out doing stuff, and asking her where they are . Honestly, i feel like just saying, order your own damn contacts, or how bout you catch a flight back home and get your own stuff.

The frustration right now is mounting. It's been 4 months since she went off the anti-depressants cold turkey without telling anyone, and then left for a new state and a new job, and 6 weeks since the official separation. I'm pretty drained. Kinda looking forward to an upside.

[BigMac]

I was thinking after doing some more reading about codependency and self esteam issues that the fundsmentals of DB - detach and GAL are breaking codependancy and build a full sense of self.