I went to visit my IC yesterday. I haven't seen her in probably nine months or so. I thought with D20's sitch and a number of other stressful things on my plate it might be good to check in. After the drive from hell getting to her place, I updated her on things. It was good to hear that Voldy and I are on the right track (in her view) in dealing with D20. She did say that it might be best not to hit her too early in this with the move your butt or move your stuff approach. We talked about my job stress. My job this past year especially is like being dropped into the middle of a combat zone each day. We also talked about my switching faith groups. I told her my strategy in dealing with all this stress was to concentrate on one thing at a time rather than trying to unwind the whole ball at once, it's too complicated and overwhelming. I'm doing Qi Gong each morning and some prayer/meditation in the evening. I figure that this is one area that will have a positive effect on all the stressful parts of my life these days. In the evening D20 phoned and apparently her and Voldy had a all out battle. Voldy had a bad day at work...as usual, and came home "taking it out on us". When D20 was talking to me Voldy started yelling and they were arguing and D17 was getting into it too. Apparently, Voldy had thrown a plate earlier and i heard D20 say "Hey, if you wanna throw things I can call the cops, you know. If that's what you want I'll do it" Finally, D20 said she was going to hang up cuz Voldy was getting angry that she was talking to me. My advice to D20 was that she needed to de-escalate the sitch which means to stop arguing back with her Mom right now. Later, when everyone is cool then approach how to fix the situations that seem to trigger these outbursts. I didn`t run over to fix things, this is their issue to work out. So we had planned to meet tonight to discuss D20's job hunting strategies and lay down some expectations on her. We'll see...looking forward to it...not!
You are going to be fine. I really believe being a parent is the hardest job there is. You want so much for your kids and yet,they do become their own masters. You have to believe that the foundation you laid is solid and that they know you are there for support. In the end, they have to direct themselves.
Big hugs wii. Iwilllive be keeping you in my thoughts while you guys have your talk.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. I've suggested through text that we meet on Sunday afternoon instead of tonight. I'm thinking a breathing period might be good for both of them. Also, I can pick the kids up on Sunday and afterwards they'll be coming to my place and therefore Voldy and D20 will be out of each others hair. We discuss and then leave. I'm just so tired of this crap!
OK, meeting postponed. I was not looking forward to refereeing that tonight! It just kind of hit me that last night my kid threatened to call the cops on her Mom! It makes me smile for some reason lol. She takes no crap from Voldy...I kind of admire that, in a twisted kind of way lol.
Beautiful day today, the skies are clear and the sun is out...and I'm still breathing lol! This morning I went to church and met a lovely lady who came over to introduce herself to me. She's one of the pianists. It's amazing how many people come from further than I do to be involved in this little church. Her and her husband drive one hour every Sabbath to get to church. I got my songbook today and apparently in September we're singing in public at a major square in Toronto. Let the fun begin! My friend Agnes remains a character. Every time I see her I come home chuckling about something she said. It's good to smile! Today she says "these wooden pews are so hard. What this church needs is a good fire!" On Wednesday night she asked me "when are you gonna get dunked (baptised)?" I told her I would give it thought, she says "I know I seem pushy but one of the great things about being 82 is that you can be pushy and people let you get away with it!" She's priceless. So tomorrow is the big meeting with Voldy and D20. What will be will be. What I must keep in mind is that this is not the defining moment in this situation. It's one step towards supporting my daughter. I need to not make more of it than it is. The sky will not fall if this meeting isn't a blazing success. It's a process...and Voldy is a bigger process lol.
Actually, the meeting went well. D20 agreed that she needed to get her butt moving and was willing to provide us with a schedule of what she planned to do each week. Voldy, of course, had to tell her how disappointed she was in her blah blah blah. That's always a motivator for a kid who feels confused and defeated! Voldy is just so friggin negative...ugly and angry. She started telling me how "we" needed to be more responsible in getting D20 moving and, of course, babbled on about how we didn't do a good parenting job. I told her that there is a fine line between support and policing and I refuse to do policing. I said "I'm not doing it and I'm not spending my life living in anger and frustration either. This is her life, I will support her in getting where she needs to go but bottom line is that it's ultimately up to her to get things done, not you or me".
Good for you. I think Voldy likes being angry otherwise why would she always be so? It has to be giving her something. Were her parents like this with her? Might be a hard cycle to break but your kids have you to back them up.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I take it the meeting didn't go well at all.