Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind

[Second1]

Thanks for the welcoming T-boned, hugs back atcha!

Yes, I will post on here and on other threads. It's like therapy. I always feel better after reading other posts. Nobody wants to be here, I get that, but it's so comforting to know you're not alone and the advice and insight on here is priceless!

Thanks again for the welcoming. It means a lot

[T-boned]

You're welcome. I hope you have a Happy 4th of July!

[GoatGal]

Hi Lori65,

I haven't had a chance to post on your thread, but I've been reading along.

What is mind-boggling is how many people are going through such similar situations, with similar reactions from friends and family.

They just assume that if there is infidelity, or one spouse files for divorce, the "best" thing is just to get it over with quickly.

I used to be one of those. I have since educated myself AND my well-meaning friends who pushed me to divorce him ASAP.
They now understand why I am taking my time FOR ME, while his "crazy-making" runs its course. Or not!

Sadly there are new posts here from desperate people every day, and these are only the handful that find their way to DBing.
I think of the thousands out there who aren't so lucky and they're just thrashing around in the dark.

So in that sense, you're lucky!

Yes, it stinks being here, there is a lot of pain, but also a lot of inspiration.

It ain't over 'til it's over!

---GG

[Second1]

Thanks GoatGal. It IS mind boggling, but what's sad is that there are a lot of LBSs out there who believe the things they're hearing because they don't know what's really happening. I know how I felt before a co-worker told me "sounds like your hubby is having a midlife crisis". Once I started researching it, saw the similarities, and began to understand what was happening, it actually made me happy! I can only liken it to the feeling a basketball player would get if they got the 3 point shot with zero seconds left on the clock, putting their team ahead and winning the championship at the very last second. No, I haven't won anything yet, apparently I have a lot of time left to "play", but I haven't lost either.
It DOES feel like a game a times, but it's good to know you have many "coaches" here who are willing to share their playbook with you.
I definitely feel lucky!!!

[Second1]

I checked his email again. He responded to a CL ad titled "Need A Real Man". In his response he mentioned all these things he likes to do, they were all the things WE used to do together. The woman who posted the ad is older than I am. I would think he'd search out someone younger if he's trying to FEEL younger, no? She also said "I'm just looking for someone loyal and honest". He is neither of those these days, does that even occur to him?

Before anyone grills me about being a snoop, I look at it like this: If he comes back and wants to work on our marriage, we're going to have to do a lot of repairing. I'll know if he's being honest with me about certain things because they will come up, and I'll know either way. Yeah, it's not exactly honest on my part either, but I never gave him a reason to doubt my honesty prior to the bomb drop, and if I know he's lying again I'll know it would be a mistake to take him back. I can forgive, but I need to be able to trust him again to do that. (The irony isn't lost on me, it just is what it is).

[beatrice]

I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but, I would suggest that you do not snoop. Lots of reasons, but basically it isn't a very nice thing to do, however justified you feel in doing it. We have to take the high road here, not to be 'better' but for our own sake, who we are and what sort of person we want to be.


Your reason for doing so is also based on a misunderstanding of MLC - they often totally forget many of the crazy things they did. So he may well have no clear memory of this, or many other things.

The less we know, the better. Much better to check our legal rights, and protect our assets. I am sorry to sound harsh, but the reality of MLC is tough.

[Second1]

Gosh, I completely forgot about the amnesia factor! Ok, now I feel kind of silly. You're right Beatrice, it's NOT a nice thing to do. I already knew that, but I figured my reasons justified it. I was wrong, and I thank you! (This is why these forums are so valuable).

He sent another text today. This time it was a pic of the place he got the brisket from yesterday. At first I thought "what makes him think I care about some bbq joint?". But after a while it made me smile. I should feel good knowing he still wants to share stuff with me, even if it's trivial, unimportant stuff. At least he's thinking of me, right?

Yeah, it's strange, but it could be a lot worse.

[Second1]

I will NOT be snooping anymore. I woke up this morning with no desire whatsoever to take a peek. I realize now that anything I find would be of no value anyway, so really, what's the point? (Thanks for pointing that out Beatrice, love you for that!)

H called me a few minutes ago after not having spoken to each other in several days (coincidence? I don't think so). We had a good conversation; nothing heavy (D got her laptop, he got a new bbq grill, work is going well, yada, yada, yada).

I didn't feel that sadness I usually feel after speaking with him. When the conversations are good I'd feel sad because I missed him, and when they weren't good I'd just feel sad. It probably had everything to do with the snooping, so yes, it's better for ME that I don't. I'm done with that!

[beatrice]

Glad it helped. MLC is not fun that is for sure, but we do grow!!

[juliegayle]

Hi Lori- just read through your thread. I am glad you made the decision to stop snooping. Yes you have to take the moral high ground but really nothing comes of snooping but pain for you. I snoop and saw some things I wish I could unsee. Never again.

I think it is a certain type of LBS that ends up here. (Just my opinion) when bomb drops we all go searching for answers. There are some who take a magic pill approach others turn to resources to help them change in order to get their spouse back. Stoll others rush to D to "end the pain" or so they hope.

What I have seen from these boards is that the folks who end up here are the ones ready to do the hard work and look honestly at their lives and make changes for themselves. We become stronger, happier, better parents etc. It takes time and is a long process. For me, I first stood for my M out of desperation but now that I know myself better I have more legit reasons.

Sorry for babbling at you so early in the morning. Keep up the good work!