Why did you marry him? I was young. I'm not sure it was anything more than it was the next logical step.
Why did you have children with him? Because I wanted children. I don't mean to be flippant; I don't know that I put much thought into his role.
What has changed? Pre-kids I did my thing, he did his, and when together we did ours. Due to work and school schedules, we had alot of apart time. Once kids came, I think the clash of our different priorities became apparent.
Why will things be better when you are divorced? Because I will feel comfortable in my own home. Because I will be free to do what I want without H telling me why I can't, shouldn't, or what I don't know.
Ap (I really can't bring myself to type out the real word),
I also think you have a valuable perspective to offer here and to get some feedback from the other side of the fence. I, too, was in your shoes and then my H up and walked out on me instead. For the longest time, I was really pissed off that he pulled the trigger first. Either way, once the barn door is open and the animals flee, there's no going back.
First of all, have you actually read Divorce Remedy? I love the 5LL, but I think you need some very targeted conversation on the topic of divorce. You sound like you're in such pain that you're willing to go to the lengths without truly knowing the consequences.
My now XH will be the first person to say (if he were here on this BB) that if he had known what the ramifications were, he'd have tried. He's not one to offer those kind of words, so know he meant them. And I'm a great XW. Any other person would have made him pay for his choices.
That being said...
I'm not sure you even know what you need to do to make yourself happy. I'd suggest holding off on fleeing the barn until you do. I think the folks here would say the same thing. Your H doesn't have the power to make you happy or unhappy: that's an inside job. From what I read, you sure do a lot of finger pointing. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I think there is some projection here.
As Bug mentioned, your money comments sound like a score card to me too. Can you elaborate on what your issues are? Try to focus on visualizing what things would look like IF YOU WERE HAPPY. What would you be doing/saying/thinking? I don't want to see one comment about what your H would be doing - this is all about you.
I'm also curious to hear more about what you discuss with your IC - not the nitty gritty, but the overall reason you've gone. Is it to justify yourself or to really and truly do the work?
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Why did you have children with him? Because I wanted children. I don't mean to be flippant; I don't know that I put much thought into his role.
And what will be each of your roles after divorce?
Is this really going to be good for your children?
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What has changed? Pre-kids I did my thing, he did his, and when together we did ours. Due to work and school schedules, we had alot of apart time. Once kids came, I think the clash of our different priorities became apparent.
Why will things be better when you are divorced? Because I will feel comfortable in my own home. Because I will be free to do what I want without H telling me why I can't, shouldn't, or what I don't know.
Love is a choice.
How is he stopping you from being comfortable? Why will someone else make you more comfortable?
I agree with Underdog that you are responsible for your own happiness. The relationship is not responsible for this.
Getting divorced is not going to make you HAPPY.
I also agree that you should work on those issues first before you get divorced.
Underdog, I've been thinking alot about your post to me. "Can you elaborate on what your issues are?" I think my issues are the little things that over time made me feel as if I didn't matter to H. My opinion didn't count. It used to be that at least when things got to the point where I was angry, at least then he would listen, but then even that stopped mattering to him. He stopped even marginally working as a team with me. "Try to focus on visualizing what things would look like IF YOU WERE HAPPY. What would you be doing/saying/thinking? I don't want to see one comment about what your H would be doing - this is all about you." I don't know that I'd be doing anything much differently. I'm happy with the majority of my life. I have a job I enjoy, hobbies, exercise...there is a marked difference in how I feel when he's there and how I feel when he's not.
"I'm also curious to hear more about what you discuss with your IC - not the nitty gritty, but the overall reason you've gone. Is it to justify yourself or to really and truly do the work?" It's accurate to say it was to justify myself. I went to try to figure out what I truly wanted. I came to the decision that a divorce was best for everyone, he told me he was shocked, didn't see this coming, never stopped loving me. I didn't understand how we could have such different perspectives - I second guessed my take on things and have remained in turmoil since.
Cadet, our roles after divorce will be that of parents. "Is this really going to be good for your children?" At least they will experience both a mother and father who can both make decisions and steer the courses of their lives.
"How is he stopping you from being comfortable?" I described it a little in previous posts. I physically react to his presence. He is (or my perception of him is)very expectant, I can't make a move without him commenting on it, asking if he can help, etc. I don't know if I can describe it any better that. When he does help, there is always a proclamation of what he has done, as though now I may thank him or take note of his acts.
"Why will someone else make you more comfortable?" I'm not asking anyone to make me more comfortable - if we do divorce, I can't see myself ever marrying again.
"Hope you keep posting and stop running away." What is it that you think I'm running away from?
Over the weekend I had more hope than I have in a long time that we could stay together and be a happy family. On the surface I'm sure that's true. But by the end of the weekend, I was back to doubting that. How can we really be happy when I don't trust him with my vulnerabilities, I don't want/feel comfortable to share my emotions with him? I would still be alone, only with him. I can't continue to feel discounted.
More thoughts/journaling... I think I'm resenting that it seems that I'm the one giving up when I feel that he disengaged a long time ago and only decided he wanted to put effort into this marriage when I let go of the rope, when I decided I couldn't keep banging my head against the wall. Could the projection be that he is now where I was before? Wanting something from someone who doesn't have it to give?
As I stand on this brink, the majority of the time I know I want a divorce, but why can't I just do it already?!
I feel so sure that it's best for everyone, then I get scared. What if it's not?
I don't enjoy H's company. We both deserve more than what we have. I don't want him to hurt. I wish he would have realized he cared while I still did.
I can't imagine the time away from my children while they are with him. And what does it do to them to have to shuffle from home to home? Is it better quality time with both of us separately? Could that be an improvement for them? I am much better with them alone...more relaxed, joyful...
My guess would be because you have to do more work on you.
And please don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I think you should stay married. Everyone may in fact be better off if you're Dd. There are very good reasons not to stay married, abuse of any kind being one.
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think I'm resenting that it seems that I'm the one giving up when I feel that he disengaged a long time ago and only decided he wanted to put effort into this marriage when I let go of the rope, when I decided I couldn't keep banging my head against the wall. Could the projection be that he is now where I was before? Wanting something from someone who doesn't have it to give?
Not many of us change until we have a powerful reason to change so I wouldn't hold that against him. We eat too much, we smoke, we drink, we drug, we sex until the something bad happens. We see the light.
You don't have to D him today. Sit tight, see what happens.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
