Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Bashy,

So I talked to my coach. She brought a bit of nuance to the whole LHR thing, and going dark. I wish I had taken more notes, but here is the gyst - hopefully I'm conveying the right meaning.

Going totally dark for a very extended period is not always the solution. It is especially good for when a person is basically going off the deep-end, acting badly. Of course it's not meant to be forever.

Now, in my case, because a longstanding complaint was lack of connection and lack of attentiveness on my part, I should probably initiate contact in a few weeks if she has not. But, and see db's post on this on my thread, it still means no expectations, no pleading, no discussing the relationship. And you better have some 180s to showcase.

Now this is dangerous advice if taken at face value and without the whole context. This would be a very bad strategy 2 weeks after separation for instance, or if you're still arguing every time you talk. You have to be on good terms, and you have to make sure that you have give the WAS the space that she needs, if that's the case. As helpful as this board is (and I really mean that it is), as it raises good points to think about and consider, to me it's quite good to spend an hour discussing in depth too. Without the different perspectives that I read about from fellow DBers, I wouldn't have thought to articulate the right question to my coach that applies to ME.

As pilot was saying, you need to consider the particulars of your relationship. But it's hard to do alone. Ben made a good point that LRT is standard when a spouse leaves; but going through the pages again it says not to pursue. It does totally forbid a contact after a few weeks as long as it's not pursuing. Just an offer to catch up...

So be wary of taking what I said at face value; it's only because I wanted to conclude our discussion.

[Mat]

Hi all - I think I need to detach more. But it's so hard today, she's coming to clear out her stuff.

I had some emerging money concerns; yesterday I texted making it clear that I wouldn't use the joint credit card that's under her name, and asked that she didn't use the ones in my first name. She didn't respond to that.

Today we had a short exchange about logistics. I texted her this just now:

"FYI I'll be at the caff for a bit then out on the town. If you need anything stored please ask. You own the house too. I hope today goes well."

I don't think there was any need for that. At best, neutral...

[Mat]

So, she picked up all of her stuff today. Think of all the work the house needs, pressure building up at work, the thought that I have to stop hoping and that I may have to build a new life.... I am completely overwhelmed.

This is my worst day so far. In a way I am so sick of being brave and ´taking it welĺ. Accepting that all problems are solvable, that it's criminal to leave without giving me an ultimatum. I'd fly us to Colorado and have an intensive session with MWD! To be so convinced that you never loved someone that you won't ask if you can read some chapters of the book, or go see someone.

To be fair I didn't get the best sleep. But I don't know how to calm down and take a nap I am freaking out.

[Maybell]

Hi, Mat.

This is really hard and it will pass. It's hard to get used to your new normal.

For today, the best thing you can do is to sit with your pain and feel it so it can pass. Do things that calm you, whether it's going for a walk or drinking coffee or hitting the batting cages or working on a project. Anything healthy that will get you into a flow state.

I know what you mean about "taking it well." Sometimes you just want your breakdown. So if you can, take your breakdown today. It will make tomorrow easier.

Then start making plans for living for yourself. That doesn't mean giving up or taking dramatic action. It just means giving you a direction to aim for in your new reality so you don't stay stuck in the old dead one. If your reality changes again you can adapt at that time.

Best to you on this rough day.

[Mat]

Thank you. Unfortunately, or fortunately, made plans with a friend and he's on his way. But I think I will re-read your post quite a few times! I think I'll put on a brave face and it may make me feel better.

Thanks so much it is making me feel better that there is a way out. Sometimes you need it explained well by a kind person like yourself.

Thank you

[Wet]

Hi Mat,

I know the pain you are in. It will drive you crazy if you think about why your W did this to you. My advice is stop asking "why".

If you are a spiritual person, you may ask "God, what do you want me to learn from this?" And "God what do you want me to do today". Because you will never figure out why you are where you are today, and instead only try and grow from this. Good luck and know you are stronger than you ever imagined.

[Mat]

Hi Wet thanks for the support.

My day out was OK in the end. The problem here is that socialising, at least in my circle, traditionally happens around a pint. I need to cut this out entirely.

But other than that, met the male half of a couple that's friends with us. He was very supportive, and although feelings are still raw, I think I succeeded in putting on the brave face I was intending to. Though I had to look away not to choke up, so I don't think I fooled him that this has upset me but who would be surprised at that? I did admit that it would be a long hard road, and that dealing with fixing the house before selling it, the relationship, and work pressures would be hard. And I said I was preparing myself for whatever outcome may prevail in the end. But I did mention my intent to take out martial arts classes, and I already like to go to concerts (often on my own even when I was married, for weekday gigs), and he said he'd like to come along. He did commend me on taking things on board and doing work on myself, and taking the lessons. And assured me that they still wanted to be friends with both of us, even if it is separately.

So I'm pretty reassured that they won't be acting as go-between and help W keep tabs on me. At the same time, I will have to be disciplined about not mind-reading through them. For instance, he asked about how long the repairs would take, whether I'd want to live there or sell up. Made me think that he's also getting a clear message from W that things are final in her mind. I no longer think it's the only deduction to make, but in any case there's no reason to believe that she would be telling me one thing and telling other people another. So why worry about that.

I am also getting some advice over email from a really good friend who's now living in another country and who went through a full divorce. He emphasises not getting taken advantage of financially quite a bit. I am not sure how much I should worry about that. Given we don't have joint accounts and I was doing the investing, I feel pretty bulletproof. If we end up getting a lot of equity out of the house then perhaps I'll need to think about this... I am not at the point where I want to worry about these things though.

Thanks all for the support I think today will be a somewhat better day.

[Maybell]

Hi, Mat.

I've found that almost everyone who hears H and I are separated assume a divorce is pending too. Even H isn't to the point where he KNOWS he wants one -- he basically said he didn't know that he didn't. People even ask me if I'll be staying in the area! So I think the tendency is to assume that separation = divorce and you shouldn't read any more into your friend's questions than human curiosity and his own musings about the implications of a relationship ending.

You should also not assume that spouses share all the gritty details with each other. They may not, for many reasons. But it was really kind of him to reassure you that you wouldn't "lose" him in the split.

I hope today is a better day and that you have something planned that will give you good feelings about yourself. Hang in there. There will still be low points along the way, but for the moment you're likely on a flat, smooth patch of road and will have some space to regain your balance if you take it.

Best to you.

[Mat]

Hi all!

Beautiful day here, so I'm at the pub with my friend DB book. Bears re-reading.

So this morning, coming back from my personal training session (back off a bit ladies this stud is still spoken for), I get a txt saying that W was going to be in the neighbourhood and that she was going to leave the car at our place while she did whatever she's got to do (I truly can't imagine what that is). I replied this by text "grab your contacts and a cheque com your school while you're there". She has a set of keys. That's it.

Not too sure if that was too harsh. In any case, not the best 180 I should let her realise that there may be mail for her (contact lenses get deliered by mail here). I don't have to manage the stuff for her. BUT, I did not initiate and I certainly detached. I immediately showered and made myself scarce. Went to the caff for lunch, on to the coffee shop, then on to the pub. Problem is I'll have to return at some point soon. I don't want to be drinking too much, and don't want to be wasting money either. And I hate reding in parks there's never anywhere comfortable. Anyway for now I am nursing a cask ale until it lives up the English beer stereotype of being warm as piddle.

So... How do you think I am doing gang? I came to write on here when I became tempted to go home and be there when she comes back. I may yet go back, as I have things to do. Tons of stuff to put up on eBay that I'd like to send out tomorrow.

Tonight I joined a meet up group, may go along to a club night. I am also deciding between two types of martial arts to start learning on Monday: kick boxing or ju jitsu. Mmmm kicking and punching, or cleverly using an opponent strength against them?? Any martial artists on the board give me a shout...

As you can tell today is a "high" day. Did not start that way though. I know moods to up and down; the trick I am slowly learning is to use the highs to read DB and do productive things. I know I'll only feel like whining when I'm down.. I am starting to help out on other boards too... It's real good to feel like you're giving a tiny bit back.

Give me a shout guys it's always good to get your feedback.

[Mat]

Well, came back home, and saw that she picked up her contacts and check. No further communications. I guess I was out for long enough.