Draft for comments (if any). Tomorrow would be our wedding anniversary so I don't really want to send it then.
"Hi W
I accept these updated arrangements. Thank you for your taking my requests into account.
I can see from aspects of the email that you still feel hurt and anger towards me, and I am very sad about that.
I hope that we can, with time, foster a better relationship for D2’s benefit and because I care about you very much.
I can understand your feelings about the meeting and phone call, but our interpretations are different. I consider that the subjects are difficult/upsetting (would be even for people who were very good communicators). The context is also challenging: we are separated, have not spoken much for a period, and I have hurt you a lot. [THINKING OF DELETING THIS/feels unhelpful/ not really achieving much?]
In the future, I would prefer to have a professional third person involved if we have conversations about what either of us might call ‘difficult’ things like parenting opinions or custody arrangements. I want us both to be able to disagree and/or be assertive without either of us feeling ignored or so bad. I think a pre-condition for our being able to do this is “trust” and I think that needs to be (re)built - with guidance from a trained professional. This could be started without any difficult topics on the agenda just as a constructive thing for us to do. Let me know if you are open to advancing this.
I sent below today. I'm trying to be a good person by putting my own needs behind Lucy's. She's in pain, and I think sending lawyers in would do nothing to help her see me negatively. I want to be patient too. I also think she's doing a good job raising D2, so it's ok for now. Over time, I'm fairly sure she W see that she needs to enable D2 to see me as D2 and I do get along really well. I guess that's premised on an optimism about W's deciding to "let the hurt go" on her journey. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic - certainly there's been not much to suggest she's making progress at a great pace, but on the other hand, why assume the worst? Today I also recall as inspiration our wedding anniversary and the good intentions and optimism we both had on that day.
Wishing you all peace and strength for your DBing.
Buddy
Hi W
Thank you for your taking my requests into account. I accept these revised arrangements for now.
I see that you still feel hurt and anger towards me and I am sad about that.
I do hope that, with time, we can focus on building a better new relationship for D2’s benefit (having a developed relationship with her father and his family) and our own happiness.
As a way to achieve that goal, I think it may be helpful to have a professional/trained counsellor to help us have conversations. I would like for us both to be honest, able to disagree and/or be assertive without either of us feeling mistreated. I think a pre-condition for our being able to do this is “trust”. I think trust needs to be rebuilt, and guidance from a trained professional could facilitate this. The councillor at 'Relationships Aoteroa' who ran the courseI attended offered to provide me with names of people who she felt were good. I’d be happy to follow up with her to get these names for us to consider/research them. I’ve also been offered couples counselling by [MY EMPLOYER] from http://[]. It may be possible to explore having some family to attend also, if that was something that would help. Let me know if you are open to potentially advancing this.
I'd a fun weekend. I caught up with two old friends on Friday night, and then ran a dinner party on Saturday with more old friends. One of the nicest things about being back in the place I grew up is seeing old friends. Sunday I made a meal for my mum and, together with my sister, we went to the movies.
I decided to get W a Mother's Day card, which I accompanied with a small box of chocolates and a bottle of nice wine. I do think W's a good mother and I'm sure D2 loves her support etc & I would like to mark it. I've less than zero expectations about this for me; but it's something I want to do anyway. After placing these in D2's bag, I didn't think about it (given all the social activities :)). Anyway, I got a text on Sunday evening from W that said "Thanks for the Mother's Day present from D2. Really nice." I was VERY happy with this as it is the first positive message I've had from W in a long time. Anyway, just wanted to share the positivity!
I've D2 this weekend, and the following weekend I'll be in Australia (going there for work so I decided to stay over the weekend). I/We lived in Sydney for a few years, so it will be good to catch-up with it.
Another edit to my first post. I returned from London in April 2013 (not 2014) - so I've been back just over a year now. This return was as fast as I could given the practicalities of winding up our flat, packing-up, quitting and working through my notice period. I did consider staying there as my career was good, and I was devastated/confused, but it didn’t feel like much of a decision as I wanted to see D2 and be close to my family.
For some reason, I've had a hard couple of days. Not hearing back from W on the meeting. I don't think she's willing to do that yet. That hurts because I want to be able to work towards a better relationship for D2. W's not willing to talk or see that her communication issues have been an on-going problem for us/her. This isn't to excuse my own verbal abuse - that can never be justified. But is exasperating that she can't/won't discuss her emotions.
I know I've to detach, and I am far more detached. But I'm also feeling trapped because I care about her and D2 & there seems to be so much "unsaid". I guess, in time, I'll know what to do & may have more appetite to go down a more formal route - even though that will trade-off good relationship between us for D2. How do I get the best outcome? Focussing on myself I am trying to look for better jobs in this city as the current one isn't right for me. London calls but I see that as being very diffcult given consequence of seeing D2 even less.
I do get to spend time with D2 this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. My parents are away, so D2 and I will spend more time by ourselves and I am looking forward to that (not because my parents dominate, but just cause it's rare).
Bit of a rambling post. Hope the week's treating you all well. Friday tomorrow and that's always a nice day.
In the meantime, there have been positive developments:
I drop D2 on Sunday evening at W’s apartment. In the past, these have been brief exchanges. This time W asked me if I wanted to stay for tea. I’d my car parked in a dodgy place (wasn’t expecting to be asked for tea) and mentioned this to her and her face betrayed that she was a bit disappointed. Of course, I went and sorted out the car and came back. I was nervous, but was resolute to act “as if” and be positive.
The conversation was pleasant and covered many “current event” type topics. We also played with D2 and W can see how D2 really enjoys my company and vice versa. W even mentioned how D2 talks about me a lot (well to the extent she can at 2 ). At one point, naturally, an update about our mutual friends came up. I explained how the husband had told me that he was struggling with his work given the pressure of long hours and a big mortgage and that he was finding his relationship was suffering. This prompted a brief discussion about W’s work as she had been working in a comparable legal private practice job with very long hours. She said (1) you don’t blame me for that do you? And I said “no, absolutely not, I think we made a mutual decision for you to do that. That said, I guess I look back on it now and both of our jobs and think about how our work focus played a role in our current situation and wonder “what if”. (2) She said “that’s good because I don’t think my work made any difference. Well, sometimes I don’t think it made any difference.” I just nodded at this. I was really happy that she felt comfortable enough to express this sentiment and confusion. Neither of us had appetite to follow this up further, so we didn’t.
I am travelling to Australia for work next week. As a result, I was keen to see D2 for a lunch before I go. This would be on the days that W is off work looking after D2. W was really supportive of this. We made further arrangements by text. I said I’d be happy if W was able to come to the lunch too. She said in text that D2 would definitely be there and she would see how she felt, if ok. I said completely fine.
Today we had the lunch and I think it was positive. W did join us, and in fact sort of dominated the conversation in her own way. The time apart has given me perspective on that and how to be more caring of her differences. The topics were ‘lite’ and convivial. There was no talk of the joint counselling. That said, I think it’s really positive that we’re doing this – sort of learning to “get on” and be normal. I think the only way forward for me is to pursue a friendship and regain her trust and continue to be patient about doing this. I tried to pepper the conversation with humour and I did get a few laughs. D2 was really upset to leave me again, by my sister says that’s normal and a sign of a close connection. I think she’s right as I feel sad about leaving D2 too.
Anyway, I think these last few days have been positive movement away from the nadir. I don’t want to press for the joint sessions. I guess my hope is that if I can keep defrosting the wall, we will get there, or be comfortable to talk through what we need to as friends or perhaps more. No expectations. Just trying my best to lovingly DB.
Well I had a great time in Sydney. Work was stimulating and I caught up with some friends also. It was like 26 degrees C too, so nice and hot for me calibrated to Wellington, NZ weather. My friends wanted to hear how things were going, but they thankfully didn’t give me too much advice or opinions on my prospects.
I went out for a dinner and then drinks on Saturday evening and at one place beautiful female approached me. I enjoyed her company and felt really good about being attractive to someone – even if superficially. She asked for my phone number and to get in touch if I was ever back in Sydney. I gave her the number as I was flattered, but I don’t expect anything further to come from it.
Back home, I was also given a boost when my gym selected me as their ‘member of the month’. I think it’s a bit like a “Most Improved Player” award, as I’m quite bookish, but I have been committed to working-out this last year, and I was happy that my efforts were acknowledged by the coaches.
I was missing D2 a lot when in Sydney, and when I returned I sent W an email asking whether she was "ok". It was on my mind to do, but it was also prompted by an email from the crèche about an outbreak of nits. I wanted to know if D2 had nits including to prepare for this weekend.
W advised that D2 didn’t have nits. And in any case she wasn’t sure if D2 would be going to crèche this week as W had broken her foot and couldn’t drive or walk (yet). I felt very sorry for W and a strong sense that I wanted to look after her. When we were dating my nickname for W was “T-1000” based on that machine in Terminator 2. It was a joke (she found it funny too – believe or not), but she can be so hardy and self sufficient to an extreme. I love/d it about her because I often feel vulnerable emotionally and dependent, yet I also see her T1000 ability as playing a role in our breakdown because she put up with more than she should for too long (and didn’t let me know – not that I should have needed to be told).
I am working on trying to be less vulnerable emotionally/sensitive, by not taking everything personally – which I see often linked to a need to be “right”. Needing to be “right” is a major issue for me and it’s really only been this personal tragedy that has put that in focus. I guess I still feel it as a primary motivator, but recognise there are better ways to pursue it – including picking your battles and people like Ghandi and Mandela who pursue change well. On dependency, I’m finding that perhaps opening up to more people spreads the burden and reveals richer ideas. Also, I now have a sense that my feelings are primarily my responsibility. So sorry this took so long and to hurt W to this extent.
I said that I was around to help if W needed it, and I also followed this up with a text message to reiterate that I was sorry to hear the news and (playfully) request that she not be a T1000 for the next little bit. She replied with 'thanks'. I usually get 'thanks' and nothing else. Go T1000! I also sent her a video of D2 and her cousin that was cute (hopefully to cheer her up) and she thanked me for that.
I don’t know how she broke her foot. I do know that she has enjoyed doing a lot of running since our separation, and that this is likely to be impossible for a while. I’d love to invite her around or take her out and look after her more. But, in line with Last Resort, I think I’ve done enough now and will leave it to her to contact me if she needs/wants anything from me. She did say that she would ensure it didn’t disrupt my weekend with D2 in the original reply to my nits email, and I am grateful for that.
As it happens I’ve been called to a town an hour's flight away for work on Friday, which is going to take me away from seeing D2 Friday evening and Saturday morning. My mum will see D2 and I will for Saturday afternoon and Sunday. It is frustrating/sad for me to see so little of D2. I did get her some new clothes in Sydney and am looking forward to seeing her in them and the time I do have with her.
Best wishes to you all out there DBing. Keep it up!
I had a lovely weekend with D2. The weather was really nice (cold but calm) and we played together at the park and with my mum/her grandmother. D2 is such an upbeat beautiful person and I feel very grateful. She’s learning to speak so well, and says such amusing things.
I dropped D2 off on Sunday evening at W’s place. I was 30 min later than last week (still within the drop-off time we agreed). I saw W for the first time in crunches and felt sorry for her. W didn’t offer me a tea. I was gutted about this, particularly as last time I’d felt so elated, but I did not let it show. I figure W probably doesn’t want to give me false hope; doesn’t feel comfortable with any defrosting (assuming some might be happening); I had offered help when she’d broken her foot and perhaps she sees that as me trying to use that to get to her; wanted to put D2 to bed. This is all unhelpful mind reading, I know. Surprised me the following day just how bad I felt about not having a tea, though. But sitting with/paying attention to the feeling that was sadness was also useful as opposed to ignoring it or letting it be masked by anger.
W also said that she was thinking about going back to her parents place (2.5 hours away) given that her work was ok with her ‘working from home’ and it is easier for her to manage D2 there (her parents work on the same location). This means that I don’t get to see D2 for lunch this week, but I can understand the situation and said so. W offered a potential meeting next week (instead) so I will follow that up.
Otherwise my life is good. The recent work trips brought to the fore some of my emotions about some work opportunities as people questioned my availability. I was more relaxed when this happened and said I would be open-minded. I figure that if someone makes me an offer, then there will be something real to consider and I will consider it and be closer to real feelings. In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to make the best of this role and stay monitoring other opportunities.
I’m conscious of pressure on my finances in part driven by expenses/inefficiencies of not living in a couple. And certainly due to my spending habits and history of living on a larger income, but I am trying to improve. GAL and budgeting are uneasy bedfellows for me.
This is journaling and stream of consciousness so apologies in advance.
At the start of this week, I was feeling quite distant from WAW as she has not been in touch for some time. When I have D2 I make sure to txt W when D has gone to bed (W really likes this) and also send some PXT too, of W playing around.
However, on Tues W sent me an email asking for a favour which was to drive her back to her parent’s on Sunday as she has a Dr’s appointment on Monday about her broken foot. She phrased the request very politely (as is her way) and to let her know if it was too much trouble. I replied saying it wasn’t too much trouble at all, and that I would be happy to help. I was overjoyed that she had asked me to be honest.
On Thurs I sent her an email to confirm where D2 would be for me to pick-up for this weekend (D2 hasn’t been going to crèche as much while W has a broken foot). W replies that it would be the crèche. She also said that my brother in law has a course in Australia so her sister would be driving down and could take her back. It would save me a trip. I replied that that was ok. But in truth I was/am GUTTED about this turn of events as I was looking forward to having a chance to be in W’s company. I felt disappointment and did some mind-reading about W (taking an “easier” option) and W’s sister (not being supportive of our marriage repair). My suspicious mindreading of the sister stems from a situation after D2’s second birthday. It was held at W’s parents place. I drove W and D2 home after D’s 2nd birthday. At the time, W had no other option to get home as her car had broken down. Before we left I overheard W’s sister say to someone how uncomfortable she was about me driving W back. In addition, when we were driving W’s family called her about 3 times to check she was ok. At the time, it made me feel really odd, and sort of like they were bullying me. It so shaming that I’ve lost so much trust in their eyes. But I didn’t say anything at all about it. In fact, I kept the car ride back really light and W and I laughed a few times too – singing Old MacDonald over and over does that to you!
Rationally, I understand W’s family care a lot about W and are trying their best to support her. They are not challenging her perspective at all, but as is written on here, if they did W would perhaps seek out enablers. I’m grateful that my family is also loving, though my sister has also been very frank about her opinions of where my attitudes could be better and that was really helpful to set me on a new path/approach. I really don’t want to have two camps and I did/do love my in-laws, despite our differences.
It feels controlling saying W and in-laws, as after 18 months it doesn’t feel like they are. I don’t intend to be controlling if you know what I mean.
In terms of my GAL, I am still enjoying my gym and the member of the month thing was published on Facebook today, which was cool.
I also applied for, and have an interview of a job that is in a city an hour’s flight away from here. Thinking about it sends all sorts of thinking going – will I see D2 less, what will I do with my new house, does it mean I’ve given up DBing? Am I being impatient? Am I seeking change to cover-up hurt (and is that wrong?) etc. etc. But I’ve resolved to take it one step at a time. Let’s see if an offer emerges and what its terms are, & then I can decide. A city in the same country an hour’s flight away isn’t so far, and I have been struggling in this current role. It’s an exciting distraction. Being honest, I guess it is something of a move away from W. But that’s not why I’m doing it.
Looking forward to spending time with D2 this weekend.
Good luck DBing everyone & have a good Friday and weekend.
Rather odd time since my last post. I caught a virus from D2 (winter here) and then just as I was feeling better, caught something else, which really hammered me this week. So it feels like I’ve done a lot of sleeping/recovering/coughing in the last two weeks.
I’ve tried not to think about the sitch, while I’ve been so pathetic.
I did have some reprieve between the two viruses on Saturday and that was cool because 4 households of my neighbours (met them in late 2013 when I bought a house) and I had a progressive dinner. It was really nice and they were lovely company. I mentioned Auckland (as I’d got a second interview by Saturday) and they seemed sad about it.
I've been occupied thinking about this opportunity, and decided today not to pursue it further. It has been useful as a catalyst to help me resolve to myself what I want to do most at the moment, which is stay here in my current location. My sense is that in another year - or thereabouts, assuming no major new changes(!), I may choose to return to London for work. Certainly, that feels better to me than escaping to a compromise role in the short term. I was pleased to take the opportunity 'on' though, because it has made me feel happy about/re-confirmed my present choices.
A good friend of mine has just completed her training as a yoga teacher. She has been encouraging me to ‘embrace change’ and sent me the below reading, which I thought may also be of comfort to readers and I believe it resonates with DB.
The Seasons of Life (Chogyam Trunpa)
There are seasons in your life in the same way as there are seasons in nature. There are times to cultivate and create, when you nurture your world and give birth to new ideas and ventures. There are times of flourishing and abundance, when life feels in full bloom, energized and expanding. And there are times of fruition, when things come to an end. They have reached their climax and must be harvested before they begin to fade. And finally, of course, there are times that are cold and cutting and empty, times when the spring of new beginnings seems like a distant dream. Those rhythms of life are natural events. They weave into one another as day follows night, bringing, not messages of hope and fear, but messages of how thing ARE. If you realize that each phase of life is a natural occurrence, then you need not be swayed, pushed up and down by the changes in circumstances and mood that life brings. You find that you have an opportunity to be fully in the world at all times and to show yourself as a brave and proud individual in any situation.
