Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

Yes, the last conference we were both at was 2 days after she said she wanted to separate. I asked her to give me space, and not attend the same parties, but she threw a fit and I backed off.

People ended up overserving me booze to console me, and I ended up acting like an ass.

Yes, we are both in Tech. I am a pretty big name in this space, and thinking about getting up on stage to appear more desirable. (plus, I love being on stage).

You are right, in a Rom Com this would be where we sweep each other off our feet. In the reality we live in, at best this is more contact where we have a chance to work on light connect talk. I am worried that the OM will be there (he was at the last conference too). I am going to have to do alot of working out and mediating to make sure I am centered on this one.

Also, she is in Austin now renting a room, I have the house that we rented in the Bay Area. We haven't been in much contact, but originally i was going to rent a room in Austin to find a good neighborhood, and then rent a house out there, and we can share access to the kids.

Now, I am thinking about just keeping my main place in the bay area, and just renting a single room in Austin, and just split my time. This puts the kids full time with her (I have been watching them as a single dad since January of this year), with the exception of the last 4 weeks where they have been at the grandparents and I've visited them every 10 days or so. (I had to take time for me to heal)

I am thinking about picking them up for the next two weeks and having them at the house, though I am a bit apprehensive about my mother in law being a pain. I guess I need to man up and stop being so insecure.

[labug]

What do you think needs to happen in your M?

It seems there are a lot of emotion driven decisions or non-decisions as the case may be.

What's your take?

[Mat]

I don't want to stray too far off-point here, but one thing that struck me reading through your story is how complicated / pressurized your lives have been.

Reading about the injuries you sustained, to a high-flying career, her a young mom who seems to have had challenges in her teens, the reactivation, moving houses, body image/health issues that you both worked hard to solve, career setbacks, debt, housing issues... first thing is to both give yourselves a pat on the back for getting through all this.

We know from reading MWD articles and books that a major driver of breakups is the lack of time couples can make for each other. And she's talking about QUALITY time - not one person on the iPad and the other watching sportscenter. You yourself mention that the time you spent working down the credit card debt were some of the best times, when you felt so connected. I suspect this is actually because you were doing something that mattered to you both, together, with a shared goal. That's actually how it should be all the time according to DB!!

So, while I can't pretend to understand your circumstances enough to offer feedback on the life decisions you're about to make, all of what I do know scream to me: SIMPLIFY!

If keeping the Bay Area house makes things easier and more relaxing for you, fine. If it turns into a pain in the a$$, and the flying back-and-forth gets tiring, then maybe you need to streamline. From your background you'll know about apps or big projects - it's not my background myself, but I'm sure that you must excel at identifying process steps or product features that don't actually add value, and aggressively culling them. I would suggest that doing this with your life may give you the chance to spend more time fixing yourself, and being there for the kids.

Also, bear in mind that over time (years), you don't notice stress and fatigue anymore if you've been going full blast all that time. But you can certainly tell it's taking its toll anyway. So don't be a hero and be good to you!

Hope this helps - certainly helps me, it's like I'm talking to myself!!

Take care

[BigMac]

I think we need to learn to communicate, and be best friends again. We would just escalate light and heavy control talk, as well as have a mutual dependency on each other.

I need to learn to be less controlling (I have PTSD, which I am getting treatment for now.. but one of the things is you try to control everything because you don't trust anything in the world).

So in short, we both need to work on our communications, value each other as people. And get talking again. We stopped being friends for a long time. I was trying, but not in the right way apparently.

[BigMac]

Mat, you nailed it. I have been going full steam since I was 17. The past 2 months of my life is the first time I have really slowed down (I pulled back at work to deal with this craziness and myself)

I am hoping that this gives us the chance to focus on being friends, and surmounting a challenge. Just right now, well... things went very far downhill very fast.

[BigMac]

Update

This afternoon I went to go pick up the kids for a week. Normally my D15 helps watch my S8 if I have to work late or something.
Now when the original break happened, S got me to accept putting the kids at the grandparents for at least a month, but most of the summer as we figured out moving and ourselves.

On one hand, she was smart by making sure I wouldn't lean on the kids as I worked through the hell of initial separation. However, I have been seeing my Kids at least once a week (the grandparents are 110 miles away from me).

So, I text my MIL to pack the kids bags for a couple days so I could have them at the house, and do a bunch of activities. Well, my D15 lost her mind, and now decides that she doesn't love me, and doesn't feel comfortable around me. My thoughts are that my in laws are echoing her feelings (she is a borderline problem child, but I love her anyways).

So, I finally get past the lies and by the in laws and get D15 to talk to me on the phone, and she is at least honest with me, she feels she doesn't love me, and feels weird around me.

Now, when I first text my MIL to pack their clothes up, I get a text from my S (last contact was a call on Sunday when I landed for a layover. She is curious where I am taking the kids, but pleasant. I tell her the scoop, saying I think something is up with D15 and I think the kids need to be in counciling.

W says she will call me later (she was at work 2 time zones ahead). When I get the call, I am walking into a meeting and tell her that I only have 5 min, that I have a meeting (good example of ending the call, putting a little space at least)

She says to call her back later to deal with this.

I end up driving towards the in-laws (5 hours in traffic) to pick up my S8 for a couple days (i'm bringing him back up early Sunday morning). After I get a ways past the traffic bubble I pull over to grab food and facetime the W.

The facetime went good. I had written out my goals, which was to communicate well, and successfully co-parent, and not let D15 catch us in the middle with her adolescent lies and stuff.

That seemed to work out well, we talked just about the kids. It was pleasant, but not warm. Then W noticed that I had changed my hair to a Faux hawk, and said that for years she had been trying to get me to do that, and the girls must really like it.

I am not sure what I should have said, but I said.. there are not girls, I'm just working on me (I'm not sure if I should be a bit more coy, but I don't want to start a jealousy war).

She then asked if I was going to be at the conference coming up, I replied yes, I will be on stage on Tuesday. W replied that she is working the booth for her work. I'm not sure if I should have, but I said hey, let's grab some coffee. It seemed to go well, but after this past two months.. I have no clue if things are good or bad, right or wrong.

Any feedback? Did I handle it right, any improvements?

[BigMac]

So, today I had my S8 (picked him up from the grandparents last night). We went and ate at the breakfast counter, played some Xbox, then went over to a friends house for a pool party / bbq.

I was posting pictures on facebook and twitter, and W liked one of him swimming, and then I posted a picture of a cat tanktop I had, and she posted a comment (this is a first for us so far.. OMG). I followed the coaches advice and just posted a simple back along with Awesome Kittee!

The sad thing, is that W spent most of the day alone in her place. A couple hours after I posted that she wasn't taking advantage of the 4th, basically fishing if anyone was doing something... 2 hours later she posted a pic of herself (which is normally her fishing for compliments, if she is feeling insecure)

The interesting thing, is she moved to be part of her "startup life" yet she is all alone with no friends on the 4th. I feel bad for her, but then this is the life she chose.

Looking back through my contact log with her, apparently the LRT has been working, as well as GAL. Her comments yesterday on facetime (dealing with D15 issues) was noticing my hair style change.. saying the girls Must love that. Commenting on my stuff today. Definately an increase in attention from her.

One thing that has been going through my mind, is say she does approach me to work on things, or to reconcile. What do I do? In my own mind, I'd like to take it super slow, to date for a while. Continue to find and improve myself, as well as verify she is improving herself.

The good thing is, I am keeping a PMA. I'm out and about having a good time. Spending time with my son has been great, I do miss him so much. Spending time with him, as well as seeing him play with other kids has been sooooo great for my peace of mind and perspective.

[LisaB]

What a story! I am wishing you the best of luck BigMac!
Stay cool.
Hugs,
Lisa

[BigMac]

Edit for the last comment. Instead of I posted that she wasn't taking advantage of the 4th, She posted that after I posted my stuff.

And yes Lisa, it's been quite the dramatic story. I think Mat nailed it. We have been through so much and just need a little bit of a break from life, just a couple years of things going easy.

[labug]

I think we need to learn to communicate, and be best friends again. We would just escalate light and heavy control talk, as well as have a mutual dependency on each other.

In what ways were you not communicating?

What are you doing to learn to communicate better? (forget the "we" part, you only control you)

I get what you mean (I think) about best friends but "best friends" is a very different R than S. What is your definition of best friend? Were you being a best friend?

I need to learn to be less controlling (I have PTSD, which I am getting treatment for now.. but one of the things is you try to control everything because you don't trust anything in the world).

It's good that you're getting treatment. It's not an easy thing to overcome.
About the control, most people here, including me, are controllers. We get that.

What kind of treatment are you getting? (not specifics, just in general)

So in short, we both need to work on our communications, value each other as people. And get talking again. We stopped being friends for a long time. I was trying, but not in the right way apparently.

You stopped being caring spouses maybe?

Again about using the "we," you have no control over what she does. The hope with DB is that, we change and it gives our S room to change. Some times it works, sometimes it doesn't. But if you take responsibility for the only person you have control over and make changes that are real and lasting, you will be better for the experience no matter the outcome.