I became a member of Meetup and joined some outdoor fitness groups. Already gone to a few activities.
Started a biking group at work by placing an ad on the work intranet bulletin board. This was easy and had a quick responses - amazing that a lot of people were looking to get out and bike.
The only thing I am having problems doing is getting out with friends (only 2 at this time) who have a degree of separation from my W - It is easier to detach if people are not commenting/asking about the family. Hoping to meet more people through activities that I can talk to and not have to talk about my W.
Just had another talk where W says I am setting the family up for failure because the kids want us both to come in and say goodnight.
W says that I am in denial about the relationship and my feelings.
W brings up the denial she says my family has with what went on growing up - I told W when dating her how my dad was mentally and physically abusive to us and my mom. I don't think there is denial but forgiveness from myself and siblings. The only denial is from my parents that it was bad.
W says she is sad and hurting all the time and how this is a great weight on her. W says that I must be feeling the same way. W asks how I can live like this, being unhappy all the time. I responded it must hurt for you. W says that the hurt and sadness is all she thinks about and it is affecting her work and happiness. W says I cannot give her what she needs and she gets it from friends. She wants me to write down what I think W needs from me.
Is this a set-up? Should I write down what her emotionally needs are? All I know are the basic needs support, love, listening (validation), comfort, compliments, etc. This request feels dangerous.
I really think she wants me to end this M. I will not be the bad guy and party to the destruction of the family. I still love her, must remember PMA and "allow what is"
Yes! Do not move out despite how hopeless it seems or how much she makes your life miserable. It's your home too and while there's problems in your marriage it took two people to get where you guys are now. Keep this in the back of your mind so you don't sink in self-pity. You appear sincere in your efforts and you are doing right by taking care of your kids. Her anger and mean attitude is motivated by the prospect of greener pastures but don't be discouraged! Do u want to be right or do u want to be married? Leave the OM issue on the back burner for now and cont. w/the 180 but in the most respectful and still loving (tough love) way.
Self-pity is the furthest thing from my mind. Part of me sees my W as a hurt, scared and confused little girl. I am not sure if this is the empathy she is looking for from me. Other times I see a woman who seems to be going through a loss of identity or MLC - Lost 35 lbs, new wardrobe(that happens when you drop a couple sizes), new body art without telling me or us going together, going out with friends partying, etc.
I realize I am only responsible for my happiness and the kids. I have no control over how the W feels. She may think she is pushing me away trying to make me decide on ending this M, but it will all come back to her. She needs to find her happiness and all decisions about our R are hers, she needs to own the decisions. I know where I stand in regards to our M. Our MC has said she has put up a defensive wall around herself in regards to me and does not see the changes in me. The MC says right now I'm in a damned if you do, damned if you don't sitch. So I just chug away and a majority of the time I feel good and confident. There are sometimes though I feel sad and the victim, but I allow those feelings to pass.
You are correct; she is a scared, hurt, and confused little girl--deep down. Right now she's trying to justify her pain with poor behavior. No woman in her right state of mind would dismantle her family. So yes, she's being selfish and immature and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. Just like a toddler throwing temper tantrum...they have to come out of it on their own. The question is...how much/long are you willing to take this on? I know it's hard to detach when you're heart is invested but for the moment try not to put all your heart into it. It's counterintuitive, I know. When you know you're about to lose something you're natural tendency is hang on tight--almost out of desperation. When you do this it sends a negative signal to your W. Rather than sending the message of "I want you" it sends a message of "I need you." Wanting is showing desire, interest...etc. Whereas needing shows obligation. Who wants to feel obligated to love?
Continue to work on yourself and don't let your confidence diminish nor her petty attitude tarnish it. Don't show weakness but rather show vulnerability--it's sexy. Detach but don't be cold and unloving. I recommend reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will show you how to communicate love to her in a way that she will understand. Applying the principles might be difficult right now but at least you will be prepared.
In my sitch, my H is asking me to sign the separation papers and move out. The condo is in his name only but we have a new property being built which he intends to sell once it's complete. I'm a woman with two kids and currently unemployed since I have returned to school full time. Out of the blue he says he's done. Just like that my world was turned upside down. Of course WAS rarely ever give you the opportunity to make amends once you've realized where you went wrong. Sometimes, like for me it took him furnishing the papers before I snapped out of my funk. I did my best to apologize, appease, and all that crazy stuff. I've changed a lot and he noticed but he doesn't think it's genuine. Once a week I get pressured by him to sign the papers because he feels it is the only way he will feel whole again. It's a sly attempt to justify his leaving and running away from our problems. I've been faithful of course and I'm in great shape, smart, and funny but I have trust issues. He slap this in my face as often as he can to feel better about his lousy decision.
The sad truth, your wife is not in her right mind regardless of how happy, new, different she may seem. The fantasy of life with OM will eventually fade. Then reality will hit her in the face and give her a wake up call...slowly but surely. If you happen to still be around, lucky for her. If not...well sin has it's consequences. You may not be able to save your marriage but you will still be a better person for standing up for your beliefs.
I am on the other side of the 180. I am the one perusing a divorce. BUT I had to completely 180 to get where I am today.
History: I was so depressed and leaned on my H for nearly everything. He cheated on me and it destroyed me for years. I was this sad, pathetic nobody. I was dying a slow, bitter and horrible death.
What made me feel even worse is that I am from Boston and was in town for the 2013 Marathon. I should not take crap from anyone. And I should walk around like I own the place, everywhere I go. But here I was this waste of space on this planet. Making everyone around me miserable.
I went to therapist after therapist, and I finally found the 180 and found myself again! The 180 was the key to me being me.
Since March, 2014 I have followed it like a rabid dog. I have NEVER been so happy. I love myself and my life now.
I have cultivated and re-cultivated new friends and old friends friends. They adore me and we have SO SO much fun! I went back to church and know that God and Jesus have my back, they love me too.
I was always frumpy with my appearance. I do have a great figure, but dressed like crap. Now I rock a dress and red lipstick every day. Even if it's not a work day, you bet I am ricking the heck out of a dress! (I got them at the local thrift store Savers, and they are about $5.00/each.) I look and feel professional and I carry myself like I am someone important, because I am. Took me a VERY long time to find that out.
I got a job at my local YMCA, where my autistic son attends camp.
But most importantly I live in my own room in the house and I am cheerful all the time, I NEVER buy into arguments. NEVER! Because that's what he wants.
I have all the paperwork ready and only need to coordinate a time to serve my H. But then..... He started to ask me where I was going each time I went out. Helped me with the laundry. Called me on the phone.
He started to be HIM again!
How wonderful!
So I have put the divorce on hold for now.
I had to be the change in this relationship. I HAD to move forward for anything good to happen.
I had to put my hand up in front of his face about 1,000 times and say "I am 180'ing it. I am bulletproof, you can not bait me or hurt me anymore."
Please know that you MUST follow the 180 the best you can.
Do not let your wife bait you. She is scared crap-less right now, and I am sure you are too.
I am still scared too. But I am committed fully.
And if I can do it, you can rock your life too
This post is long, but I want you to know that I am on the other side of the 180 and I want a divorce, BUT that pain in the butt is making it hard He's opening up and becoming that beautiful man again.
I love myself...and now I can put on the breaks and start to give love a chance again.
It seems everyday she asks me the same questions - How can you love me when I don't love you, not attracted to you, and don't respect you? She keeps asking what are you going to do since there is no emotional connection? I respond that it is her decision. I know how I feel and what I want. She keeps tell me I will not fulfil her emotional needs and there is someone out there for me. I do not know what to say to that any more. I keep repeated the same party line, "you may feel that way, but I do not feel that way." I am giving her space, but she still wants me to be part of the family activities. This is the hardest thing to do at times. I understand my lack of communication and selfishness pushed her away, I am truly sorry for that. My only way is to detach further, but how? Another difficult thing is to be around mutual friends right now. It seems none of them know.
Is this a set-up? Should I write down what her emotionally needs are? All I know are the basic needs support, love, listening (validation), comfort, compliments, etc. This request feels dangerous.
Yeah, it's pretty much a set-up. Do you know why she is telling you to write down her emotional needs? My guess would be to prove you don't know. And you don't.
Women want to feel a connection with their man. If she feels emotionally connected with you then she is ready to have the physical connection. The worst mistake was moving out of the master bedroom. There is a lot to be said for an old expression...."pillow talk". That is when a lot of women feel that connection.
IMO, your W is a WAW in an A. That means it makes things more difficult than just a walk away spouse who doesn't have another person in their head. She is turning to OM trying to get what she feels you've neglected. I'm not saying she's right, I'm just telling you what she's doing. She is getting something emotionally from OM, and she has you as her house boy.
She seems very angry and disrespectful, which goes hand in hand with the WAW in an A. She is pushing your buttons b/c she is so angry at you. You have disappointed her as a H. It took a while, but now she's mad and fed up. She wants you out of there. But of course, don't leave.
If you are still using the same answers to what she says........let me tell ya, it ain't working for ya. First of all, stop kissing her rear!! Secondly, stop telling her you love her. Don't be a dog waiting around to see if she pats your head. You need a different plan of action.
So, I'll ask you again, what are you getting out of this arrangement with her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't want to speak for all the women out there but if you can, permit me to give you an insight into a woman's mind...
She's playing jedi mind tricks on you. This is an art that women are very skilled at. We can say one thing and totally mean another and it's not necessarily negative unless it's used in a negative way. While she may act like she means it because in that moment (in her mind) she does, it's not entirely true. She's trying to elicit a response from you and she's trying to get you to go along with her. Don't fall for it. It's really a poor and immature way of communicating. I'm ashamed to say this but I have done it. Thankfully, I'm recovering. I've realized that i was impeding my own growth by perpetuating the behavior in my M. Guys do it too, right? So I stopped it. As the saying goes "You get more of what you give" has a lot of weight in R. You see, I was the poor communicator in my M. It's what I learned from my parents. I didn't know a safe way to handle my anger and insecurities. I just knew I felt them and had to be rid of them no matter what and whichever way how. Even stoop as low as acting like a child (stomping feet, crossing arms, pursed lips, crying.) Well, I didn't really stomp my feet but...
So, you've got several good thing working for you. One: she doesn't want a legal separation, right? I think I read this somewhere in the thread. B: your mutual friends are clueless about your situation. Which means she's not truly ready to break the marriage if she won't come out with the news to family/friends. 12: she still wants you included in the family activities. True, there's a reason for you to be there but if she really wanted you out of her life she would just take the kids and leave.
I am truly sorry that you have fallen prey to this twisted emotional game she is playing. It makes me want to shake her and give a couple of slaps (joking) and do the mommy finger point. It seems to me that she's looking for a motivation from you to stay or leave. So think hard...what was it about you that she fell in love with? Was it your sense of direction? Are you the kind that doesn't mind the back seat while W is behind the wheel? What is she like? Controlling or submissive? If whatever she fell in love with has been gone for quite some time then perhaps it's time for you to pull out the old tricks. Conversely, if you've been a steady stream throughout the marriage then maybe it's time to venture out of your comfort zone. Are you safe or adventurous? Try the "Do something different" and she how she reacts.
Lastly, she may also be needing some tough love from you. There is this book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson that suggest the approach of an ultimatum. The ultimate ultimatum. Dobson posits that people (WAS) who are on the fence about their M are really seeking tough love. They need someone to draw the line (lovingly) by lifting the cage gate thus giving the WAS their freedom. Of course, after being released the WAS is left to wonder if this is what they truly want. So, if she appreciates your assertiveness she may be wanting you to step in and do the shaking (instead of me.) This is a poor abstract of the book. It is a very easy read. It took me no time at all to finish it because it was full of good info. So check it out and let me know what you think.
Oh, and we all know that you're sincerely sorry for not seeing what she needed from you. All you can do is apologize, make the necessary changes and prove to her that you do care. But, she has to be willing to give you an honest and fair chance to correct things. Stringing you along is not fair. So continue turning the questions back to her rather than affirming her because she really is testing your resolve.
I have not said the L word in months. I am using your 37 rules, though at times a slip on some things. I do not ask about anything in her life. I do try to share things, occasionally, about my what is going on in my life. I only really try to talk about the kids or if something needs to be done with the house or vehicles.
In this arrangement, I have my few nights a week where I do my own thing - mostly the outdoor activities. Every so often I meet up with people for a night out. So I GAL. I have minimized the cleaning I do and the house shows it. She is talking to me about taking the kids away for a weekend to clean the house. I am planning activities for just the kids and myself. I do get my own time, and if I let her know in advance I can have other plans. This is what I get out of the arrangement.
So in the sitch where she does leave, takes the children and gets a lawyer - what are my options? I know I can drop a letter at the school saying the kids cannot be pulled out without mutual consent. But what about other things?
(I got them at the local thrift store Savers, and they are about $5.00/each.) I look and feel professional and I carry myself like I am someone important, because I am. Took me a VERY long time to find that out.