My mother died 18 years ago. So that's one thing. Then five years ago, on Mother's Day, XW and I had the last blowup that led to my fateful decision to let her kick me out.
I say it that way because it was calculated. She'd said in February 2009 that she wanted me to leave. I talked her into waiting until school year was done. Then March went really, really well and I thought we'd turned a corner. Then a remark to D15 -- then D10 -- turned the tide the other way. Then Mother's Day. I had an ear infection. XW was away on a scrapbooking weekend. When she came back house was a mess because I'd been in bed for two days. We went to her mother's house -- things were OK. When we came home she blew up at D10 for not having homework done. She came down stairs and blew up at me too. And instead of listening and letting it blow over. I got defensive, which I've since learned is exactly the WRONG thing to do.
When the fight ended I was on my way to my friend's house and that was the last day we were a family.
Looking back. I should have just gone to bed. I should have just let her vent. I should NOT have left. I should have made her leave. I thought by leaving she'd beg me to come back in 30 days. I left all kinds of money in checking account and she found biker guy within 60 days.
And that started this journey.
On the schedule, this is my weekend. But she gets them for mother's day and I get them for Father's Day. And she still hasn't had that baby. So last week I texted offering to switch. She could have them all mother's day weekend. I'd have them all father's day weekend.
That allowed me to umpire a one-day tournament yesterday and make $140.
That gives her the girls three straight weekends and SHE HAS TO HAVE the damn baby sometime in these three weeks. She was due last weekend.
This means I don't have to see her lying, cheating face on Mother's Day.
Well, I'm off to the professor's house. I'm not all that excited to be going today. I have stuff to do here, but I'm not being very productive.
I did get to see D15 for a moment. I got her a job so she can make money for her Europe trip next summer. It's tough for teens out there, but I pulled some strings and got her in one of the more sought after work places.
She's mostly going to work weekends in the summer and she's liking it so far. But it rained today and they let her go early and she needed a ride and got ahold of me first.
Life marches on even when you want it to just hold still for a while.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Low energy this week. Part of it is adjusting mentally to the girls new reality. Part of it is being tired from all the umpiring. Part of it is being tired from the mental math of the upcoming summer.
Still, I got up and got a run in.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I never really thought I'd feel this way. I woke up this morning just dreading the day -- because the girls were here.
It's mostly the 15-year-old. They haven't been here much the past six weeks because I traded mother's day weekend for father's day weekend.
The 15-year-old and I went to a movie Friday night. That was good. Then yesterday we were in the car and she was telling me a story about school where she was tempted to cheat on a test and decided not to.
She had a 4.0 her first semester and has a 3.7 GPA this semester. So I was concerned that she was even thinking about cheating. She has her sights set on some pretty good colleges and I worry she's putting too much pressure on herself.
I was trying to ask her why she would even think of cheating and she told me to stop scolding her. It's the latest in a long line of conversations where if I ask any questions whatsoever I'm criticizing her.
So the rest of the car ride was in silence. And there was more silence this morning. And she went to a friend's house and asked to stay the night and wants to skip lunch on a riverboat tomorrow.
I said she could stay the night, but she couldn't skip the lunch. It's the only Memorial Day thing I had planned.
The whole thing put me in a lousy mood and I was short tempered with D11 and her friends.
I didn't get it back together until I went to church. I remembered a lot of those kinds of car rides with my parents and I -- foolishly -- thought maybe I could avoid that with D15.
Basically, the days of talking things through are over for about 10 years. She isn't going to listen so I'm not going to offer. If she wants advice she'll ask.
D11 -- she was playing in the park near the house two months ago and these two boys, younger, chased her off an area they were claiming as their clubhouse with sticks.
She came back crying and we talked about how since she was outnumbered they were being bullies.
I didn't go running to their house to confront them because I thought it would work itself out.
So Saturday D11 has three friends with her and they were in the park and stuff was said and D11 and another friend charged them.
I asked her later why and she didn't know why she did it. She doesn't know how to talk herself out of situations.
Well, the boys' parents live on the park and saw two girls running at their sons and they came out. The dad was OK. The mom yelled at D11 and her friends.
So D11 comes home again crying and when I find out adults were yelling at her well it's time to have a conversation.
I went to the house and found the dad and it was contentious at first. But he didn't know about the first incident and then we started talking about how to fix it because it's a nice park and everyone should be able to use it -- and then the mom, her sister, her aunt and others started to get involved.
Eventually, we talked about D11 and I coming over in two weeks so everyone knows everyone. I do not like the woman and the boys sound like bullies, but I can work with the dad I think.
So we had D15 being a mouthy teen, trouble at the park, which is the coolest thing about this neighborhood, and the fact it is finally hot and my uncle isn't opening his pool this summer, which is another disappointment.
And I just felt defeated. Very, very, very defeated.
Tonight went better. I felt better after church. I took D11 and her friends to the Memorial Day community festival. That went well. They played in the sprinkler after the festival. I then took a nap. Dropped her friends off and took D11 to another friend's house where they were having a cookout.
D11 found friends there to play with. I threw a baseball around -- I haven't done that in ages. And then relaxed.
Tomorrow, we're doing the riverboat thing with the professor and D11 and I are going swimming at a lake.
So life rolls on, but it rolls on with a different feeling. I always assumed D15 would choose to live with me -- at least half the time when she turned 16. Now? I no longer think that will happen. I'm wondering now whether she'll choose to stop coming here. I never thought that would happen, but it's a real possibility now.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
How to listen so kids will talk & talk so kids will listen. Go get it and read it immediately and if you already did, read it again. She is trying to move you toward a new more grownup relationship where you advise less and listen more. She made a good decision about cheating and deserved for that to be heard; feeling unheard is going to set her off. Writing her off for the next 10 years (no matter how you intended that) is not the way to go. She needs a new kind of love from you, that recognizes that she has good judgment and ideas of her own and will become a fine adult.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm here to whack some sense into you. (No 2x4's...)
Positives:
Your D15 talked to you about something other than prefunctory crap she's expected you to talk about.
She made a good decision.
She's a great student and has goals and ambitions.
Negatives
You're seeing her dilemmas as personal and offering judgement instead of discussing.
You ARE criticizing her.
You don't know jack about girls. Especially pre-pubescent and teen girls. ***********
Okay, that being said, let's talk about this. You were a teenager once, and you had temptations then too. If you were anything like me, maybe your R with your dad was too distant to actually bring up things with him to talk. Do you really want that kind of R with your girls? Do you want them to see you as the enemy and someone that they can't trust with their feelings?
Girls emote. We talk things out. And I might venture a guess that you are a fixer. When your XW had conversations with you that were tough, did you wear the cloak of judgement instead of delving a little more deeply to see what was at the bottom?
Go get that book Advina told you to get. And practice on coworkers. Learn how to look past face value in discussions. Learn how to ask questions instead of make blanket statements.
Questions that could have been asked:
"Is your workload at school making you anxious?" "Are you feeling pressure to perform well on your tests? If so, why?" "What do you think would have happened if you had cheated?" "What are the consequences of cheating?" "What does the school do when they catch kids cheating?" "If you had been caught, how would that affect your future plans?"
Learn how to open dialogues rather than close them. Nothing makes a person shut down faster than someone who just draws conclusions without finding more. You said you had experience with your own car rides and how YOU wanted the outcome to be different, so to get that, you're going to have to act differently than your parents did.
If you can change your dynamic with your D15 (and prevent your R with D11 by engaging in these exercises), just maybe she'll want to keep spending time with you. Nobody wants to hang around a judge, so keep that in mind.
And lastly, teenage girls are difficult. It's an awful time in life for us. Our hormones are wacky and we're learning how to separate from authority figures and venture out on our own. And BTW, one of the unfair consequences is that we see all boys/men as the same. Dads get thrown into that pool. So it's normal for her to be antagonistic with you at this point in her life. But I'd guess her R with her mom is even more irratic.
My now D20 and I went through 3 horrible years. And yes, we both remember them as horrible. And we had better communication skills than you do. Her dad was her safe place while we went through it, and even when he was wearing his judging hat. I finally had to convince him that it was in everyone's best interest if he could just be her friend rather than the parent - and I told him since our R was already a mess, to let me be the bad guy so that she would continue to talk to at least one of us. We made it through and things are great now.
But I have to tell you, I still engage in the listening. And now that we're here and she's almost a legal adult, she does the asking questions. They're tough and thought provoking and often require total honesty of me. I feel like I'm on the hot seat sometimes. But in the end, I just allow her to be her. I see a lot of similarities between her and your D15.
Just encourage her to continue to make good choices. Let her know that you're always willing to listen. And when you do that, STFU. Use your ears instead of your mouth and then recap what she's said back so you understand what she's said. And then be Columbo and just ask questions. You'll guide her more doing that than telling and judging.
And learn how to do this in your other Rs. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much you really don't know and assume.
Just speaking to you as another girl...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Yes, you were criticizing her. She was sharing a decision she made that she was proud of and you found the the loose strand to pull in the fabric. Live and learn.
From what you have written in the past, you have always been critical of their choices. You seem to possibly want that to change. Please read what Betsey has written. She has hit on many good points.
I would certainly ask that you remember that she does have both parents that she can go to. You can only control how your relationship goes. If you want things to be better with her,you are going to need to do things differently.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
