If you are tired, then sleep on it. The advice which seems to be consistent here is do not move out. If she wants to, let her. But stay in the house with the kids. But maybe wait for someone else to chime in.
Best of luck
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
People smarter than me have already told you not to move out of the house.... so listen and don't move out of the house. Be strong and hold your ground. If she wants to find an apartment on her own that is her choice.
I tried the 4/3 day switch you mentioned for about 4-5 mos, until the vets on this board convinced me to stand up for what I wanted. I had been accommodating my WAW and she was comfortable cake eating. I moved back to the house full time in Feb, which resulted in temporary anger from W (as I expected). One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't take this stance from day 1. If W feels she needs space, make her be the one to find it.
I can tell you since moving back home, I feel so much better about myself, the example I'm setting for my kids and I get the feeling that it forced W out of her cake eating ways.
Did W threaten to take the kids and get a lawyer? How do you handle that? W will do that. I do not know how to prevent that from happening. I know she has no feelings for me other than contempt, anger and negativity.
I calmly told her that while she was in a relationship with OM, I didn't want her staying at the house. I couldn't legally kick her out, so made sure to word it in a way that conveyed my feelings towards her staying there. She did not threaten to take the kids or get a lawyer, but said she didn't think she could ever forgive me for what I had done. She still holds some anger towards it, but I've recently seen signs of her coming around.
My hope is that in the long run, she'll come to understand why I did it and respect me more for standing up for myself.
Why are you so afraid of her "threats" of getting a lawyer? Let me tell you, if you will start turning the tables on her, you may see an attitude adjustment! If the house is in your name, too, then what makes you believe you could be forced out?
What exactly is in this R for you? You are holding down a job and doing the housework, putting up with a disrespectful W, and doing without sex.
I'm thinking when she said you wen't fulfilling her emotionally, it was from a more self-centered position. If you discuss and share your feelings, show her attention, etc.........and she says you sap the positive energy, then maybe she sees it as you complaining and whining. She tells herself you are so negative all the time, and she wants happy, positive people around her to keep her feeling better. Instead of listening to you, she may simply want you listening and sympathizing with her. IDK.
How much fun do you have as a couple? How much do you socialize with other couples?
Sometime back before she started turning you away, something was turning her off from you sexually. Did she suggest you move out of the bedroom, or were you the one who decided? Either way, it was not a good choice. It causes an emotional division and distance in the MR.
My suggestion is to start turning things around. Tell her, "I've thought hard about our situation, and frankly, this whole thing isn't working for me. Maybe you are on the right track. I mean, we both deserve to have someone special, right? So, maybe one of us should leave. Okay......so, let me know when you have a place, and I'll help you pack your stuff."
Of course, that has to be face to face! Don't take a cowards way out and email, TM, or VM her. You need to practice saying it until you can pull it off confidently. Don't rush your sentences, and watch her face as it soaks in. Then brace yourself.
She's the one who wants out, so she needs to be the one who leaves. You and the kids can stay in the home. She will have to pay all her new expenses she'll have b/c you aren't paying her way any longer. You sure as heck won't be cleaning up behind her!
You may need to rehearse this in your mind until you can say it and not show emorion. It is important she doesn't see any fear in you. This has to be said face to face. Don't take the cowards way out and email, TM, or VM her. She would probably laugh at it. You make a believer out of her by being very confident. Say it slow enough to let it soak into her brain. Then turn and walk away.
If she threatens by using the kids, don't succumb to her pressure. She'll grab at anything to throw at you right then. Just act as if it doesn't scare you. Have your keys in hand and ready to go out for the evening. It gives her time to throw her little fit.
But listen, you need to get legal advice to know your rights about your kids, property, and finances. Protect, protect, protect! Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.
(To be clear, the little speech above is not in the books, and I feel it would probably not be the advice you would hear from a DB coach.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If she threatens by using the kids, don't succumb to her pressure.
Most likely ^^^ will happen. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that WAW is doing 'what's best for the kids.' Resist the urge to turn that into an argument or to defend your case.
[quote=sandi2 I'm thinking when she said you wen't fulfilling her emotionally, it was from a more self-centered position. If you discuss and share your feelings, show her attention, etc.........and she says you sap the positive energy, then maybe she sees it as you complaining and whining. She tells herself you are so negative all the time, and she wants happy, positive people around her to keep her feeling better. Instead of listening to you, she may simply want you listening and sympathizing with her. IDK.
How much fun do you have as a couple? How much do you socialize with other couples?
Sometime back before she started turning you away, something was turning her off from you sexually.
[/quote] Sandi2,
Our problems started because she said I did not hear what she was saying. I would listen but did not validate(not her words, only what I have recently learned). I knew nothing of the concept at the time. I always tried the fixer approach or would minimize the issue. I also rejected a lot of her ideas. After 4 or 5 years of this, she put up a wall to protect herself. I realize I was not a good partner with lousy communication skills. Now, she does not want to share or communicate with me for fear of the same results. She said if I share my feelings with her that she maybe able to open up for me. I talk about work, things the children do, about the people I talk and associate with during the day - a majority of the subjects are positive, work can be frustrating at times, but who does not have bad days at work. I do not talk about the R at all.
We associate with a lot of couples. The thing is no one notices the issues we have in our M. Last night, again, someone came up to me and said how amazing our family was and how they are impressed with the children. It is really hard for me during those times. We have fun as a family.
We did date nights every two or three weeks up until about August of last year. We have not had a date night for 4 months. She does not want to and I do not bring up the issue.
She works outside of the home and it is a good job and pays well. We are both professionals. Paying her own way will not be an issue for her.
All issues stem from the fact that I do not communicate well with her. I turned her off sexually because I could not open up to her or be open to her ideas. I am working on this through self-help books and our MC. But, it maybe too little, too late. She says I was not like this at the beginning of our R and M. It all changed when I was sick for 6 months and the job issues that followed the next 3 years. I look back I was frustrated and angry held it all inside and did not talk about it. I did not hear her and was a "no man" to her ideas. I am more open now, but I slip occasionally when we discuss our R.
I have a PMA 95% of the time. My mantra lately has been " allow what is". I can only work and better myself. I know it must be working because I have had some people come up to me and say they like my outlook on projects and people. I just have not been able to be perfect with the W - I sometimes slip into the conditioned response/reaction or habit. She then picks it up right away. It brings to mind a saying one of my coaches use to use - "One oh, sh!t wipes out a thousand thatta boys"
Instead of listening to