Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[Tarheel]

Sandi's right. I had the same feelings until I realized that talking WAW into trying to work things out when she wasn't ready would only lead to the same situation somewhere down the line. You have to realize that your best shot will come when she is ready to give 100% on her timeline.

[rayzzz]

So just had a great IC and I just love my C. She encouraged me to stay dark and detach but make sure I was grieving all this to...the loss right now of my WAW and imploding marriage. Think thats a fine line right? I just make sure I spend just a set time of moaning and bawling like an idiot and after that half hour is up I am good to go. Does make detaching a bit easier at least thats what I feel.
Also I am really sad this is my last two weeks under the same roof as a family before we separate and move out of our rental. Trying not to break when I think of not seeing my kids in the morning anymore, at least for a couple days... but I guess skype will be ok
I also realize that though I want a full reconcilliation, there is nothing for my WAW to come back to and we dont have anything to rebuild with right now..
She is furious with me for not anticipating her needs, emotionally, financially. Best I stay dark so she can process all this cause she has a part to play in this as well.
Also I need to build up my job so I am back to my full time days with a wad of cash to show her I am still a provider.

ok here's where I need some help.

I have been 180ing being quiet and thoughtful in my words instead of my old jokey self that she says doesnt take anything seriously. I do try to act upbeat but she probrably sees me faking it while I am trying to make it! She has asked me several times if I am mad at her and I have to reassure her that I am not...just don't feel so jokey all the time. I guess this is normal right? I am changing the tango so she has to dance differently.

Also in going dark: I stopped texting her pics of the kids when they were doing something cute during the day (we always did this) and now she doesnt text me at all unless its the kids.....kinda feel like she is on to the DB and she is giving me a taste of my own db medicine...am I just paranoid? sigh. Probrably just got to ride this out...i know no expectations...
Sandi's 37 rules should be a flashing banner on each page of this forum (you are awesome Sandi!)

Tomorrow I am going to GAL with some friends for lunch, play my new musical GAL Bass guitar at church and then break open my calligraphy set...yeah its the game of thrones thing and its cheap to do;D

[pilot]

Also in going dark: I stopped texting her pics of the kids when they were doing something cute during the day (we always did this) and now she doesnt text me at all unless its the kids.....kinda feel like she is on to the DB and she is giving me a taste of my own db medicine...am I just paranoid? sigh. Probrably just got to ride this out...i know no expectations...

Go read my thread a few postings back. sandi posted a really thoughtful and helpful response to nearly my exact question. It will help calm your nerves on this.

[rayzzz]

Hey folks. Had a Happy Father's Day today. Just hung out with kids that were extra nice and polite to their old man and got a couple friendly text wishes from my WAW.
For the most part my heart was doing pretty good, just fell into that tsunami of missing her just before the end of the evening but pulled out of the vortex with my trusty "detachment" tether line and my wordless longings for her...man I miss her like mad somedays..usually everyday. ok so no GALing today just our usual park run and we brought a friend of my D8 who's Dad ran away...she is a sweet kid and is now unofficaially part of our family. But on the topic of GAL I am going to pursue boxing! yeah it will be great for aggression for sure and my heart.

[rayzzz]

So this is something I should get used to but today after a few weeks of being somewhat dark and GALing it we have a phone conversation. Just normal chit chat stuff when she launches into " Well I dont even know where you are these days!" and I just responded "well I'm just going out, and giving you space" doh! Should not have said the last part and just left it.
anyways conversation got kinda awkward after that and we played a game of "well do you have something to say?" "no, do you?" "no do.." you catch my drift. and I was able to do a db recovery and end the conversation first. Yikes. Best I just keep staying vague even when she hounds me for some private info....this db must be working its magic as being mysterious is scoring some points.

[sandi2]

I just responded "well I'm just going out, and giving you space" doh! Should not have said the last part and just left it.

You're learning!

[rayzzz]

Thanks Sandi...consequences is a good teacher =D

So I am having a good day but wanted to leave everyone with this from Star Trek

Lt Worf..."worrying about what you cannot control only wastes energy and creates its own enemy."

Isnt that the truth from a klingon? DB away my friends...the transformation of the new you will be a rich reward and bait for your WAS ...or some other beautiful soul

[oad]

rayzzz boy that Klingon is right..lol I see your DB seems to be working as well...We are all in this together and must help eachother out..good days bad days...we must keep up the good fight..as confusing as it may be..

[rayzzz]

Not too much to report but on my CBT changing on the inside I am doing the "face it, trace it, replace it" on stupid negative thoughts:

I was lazy but I am lazy no longer
I was irresponsible...but I am now very responsible
I had no ambition...now I am very ambitious
I was loud and insecure...now I am quiet and confident

well thats a start.

As well I am just starting to pack my stuff as I am down to ten days before we vacate this place. Kids are already excited to move in with WAW and Grama & Grampas. ugh.

She asked me how I was doing and said she bawled at IC for an hour yesterday. In in my best DB voice answered "oh pretty good" with a confident & happy tone. In reality I break inside as I box away memories of my family together, photos...blah blah..i know detach...thinking of Larry David from Curb your enthusiasm...that is pretty far from reality ;D

As well my PMA to help keep myself together is now:
" I don't have time for this, I have work to do"...i.e. working on myself instead of letting anxiety rule me...and showing her that confidence. And for GAL I did Qigong again. It rules and just leaves me feeling so good. Tomorrow I am hitting the gym and then hanging out with some new friends downtown like some young college student (havent been in the city much till D day happened) maybe kareoke to sing some songs of angst!

[rayzzz]

Just a question guys:

Today WAW asked "why do you still wear your wedding ring?"
She sounded annoyed.
I deflected the question and said
"Well it still shows where I am at"
And then she asked if I wanted to talk
And I said "no, I'm still thinking about us and where we are going"

Is wearing my wedding band pursuing ?

If it is I am thinking of wearing it till I move out next Friday just so she doesn't think she "won" and I took it off to concede to her.