Not Confused...Insane in the Membrane

[BRNR]

Hi all,

Coming here to vent and take any lashings or advice that one wants to offer.

I had a setback yesterday...not a setback for saving my marriage...a setback for me and my progress of moving forward with my life...a lot has happened, I should start from last week.

Shmoopie (from here on = STB-Ex) has been harassing and pushing my buttons for a week now.

Last week, the little support I was getting while Shmoopie is almost $14,000 in arrears stopped. In following up with the courts, Shmoopie was terminated from employment last month with no forwarding info on a new job, and he is not collecting unemployment which would be garnished. The courts originally wanted to schedule an enforcement hearing, but they want him bad and have decided to put in a "Notice to Appear in ten days". Meaning, if his highness doesn't go to court within ten days, then a bench warrant and license suspension will happen, and even if he does, it might happen anyway if he cannot comply with what is set forth in court that day.

Shmoopie also sent me an email on Thursday claiming he had to work on this upcoming weekend and wanted to switch. I told him NO as me and the boys had plans, including my son going to an amusement park all day Saturday for a field trip, but he was more than welcomed to pick up his kids for his "Father's Day" holiday. Shmoopie's response to this was to bring his girlfriend and her child to my house when he picked up our boys and verbally attack me in my driveway..."What do YOU have to do this weekend?, I HAVE TO WORK next weekend, you aren't being reasonable." I ignored him as much as possible and told him none of his business and re-iterated what I said in my email back to him.

Sunday, Father's Day...didn't come to pick up the kids because his "brakes were shot"...is this the same guy who wanted to have his kids all weekend? I guess he couldn't use his girlfriends car to pick up the kids like he has done in the past...I digress...

So the icing on the cake...last night he picked up the boys (with OW and her kid) for his visit and again, cornered me in my driveway by stepping in front of me and blocking me from walking past him. TELLING me that he is not picking up the kids this weekend (his weekend), he doesn't have the "money" I have to pay for a sitter, and how I am being inconvenient because I kept the kids away from him for five months and now I won't switch weekends with him.

The moment he blocked me from walking past him was when I lost it. I repeatedly told him how the kids are his responsibility and asked how did he think I did it when I worked...I pay for a sitter or find someone to watch my kids. Asked him why his "capable girlfriend" couldn't watch the kids, and told him that he needed to figure it out and stop relying on me. He yelled how I am wrong, and how I'm the one who kept his kids away for five months...I wanted to snap back (because clearly Shmoopie wants to play the victim, even though he has chosen to have other priorities than his kids for the third time since he has resumed his visits). But then the OW looked at me and started laughing and that's when my skin started to boil.

I went back in my house, grabbed my kids, and went to the PD to report a harassment complaint...I refuse to go through this every other day he picks up his kids. I could have gotten a TRO as the cop did say he (and OW) are definitely harassing me. Encouraged it actually, but I declined as I wanted it documented only...Shmoopie is in enough crap that I don't need to help dig his grave, but, if it escalates, I will do what I need to do to protect myself.

The take away to all this is that Shmoopie is clearly jealous of me, the chaos he wants to cause and the things he said about what I have and don't,...shows that he is INSANE. This man still thinks he has a right to OUR HOUSE and advised me he will do what he wants....that entitlement attitude...it never gets old. I can't wait until the judge tells him to bounce with what he took from home in December 2012 (that's when he left). Would you believe he said I harassed him AND OUR CHILDREN in OUR driveway...

I was angry and un-nerved yesterday, but I have to keep reminding myself that losers like him get theirs. I guess a year and a half later, still blaming me for everything...why can't he go away and leave. That's what he wanted, got it, and still feels he is entitled.


END VENT

[job]

No lashings from me...document everything and get something in place to stop this crazy nonsense. Have you given any thought to meeting him in a public place for pick up and drop off of the kids? Is there any way that the kids can meet him in the driveway and you stay in the home? Keep your phone on you at all times when he's around and be prepared to call 911 if he blocks you or does anything in a threatening way. Clearly he's not rational and I'm afraid he's going to harm you in some way.

He needs some down time in the local jail. It just might cool his jets. He's really walking on thin ice and he feels entitled as well as playing the victim game. As for the girlfriend...why is she riding along w/him to pick the kids up? Could this be his way of having a witness if something goes down between the two of you or possibly she's there to give him moral support for his crazy bs? Please be careful what you say or do in front of that woman.

I'm glad you didn't switch weekends. BTW, if he's terminated from his job, how is it he working this weekend? Is this a part time job that he's not paying taxes on, i.e., under the table deal?

I'm very sorry he's still acting out. Please be careful.

[Matt165]

Hi BRNR,
Im my state and I think most now, not paying CS can get you thrown in jail! They take it very serious and if he is $14,000 in arrears he should be really careful what he says or does as he will find himself in jail with no money to get himself out. I find these WAS's who are the ones to walk out and destroy the M playing the "victim" disgusting. Sorry you must go through all this but protect yourself and be careful!

[BRNR]

Thanks job and Matt165...all the above suggestions and recommendations have taken in and absorbed...most have been put into play or will be. My friends are checking on me daily...actually within minutes of pick up and drop off of the kids.

JOB-The safest public place is the police station and I have been advised that it may need to come to this although, I am concerned for the kids with that choice. As far as me staying in my home, that is what I do 95% of the time. It is moments when I am just getting home or he has gotten there early that he catches me outside and starts BS. I am afraid he is going to harm me too, that is why I made the complaint in the first place, to get everything documented. The girlfriend is being brought to the house to push my buttons and "moral" support because I am an "idiot" - (how she has referenced me to my kids in the past)...Shmoopie thinks it's okay to bring her because it is HIS house too...I'm biding my time on this one, because the next time BS starts with both of them, the cops will be called. He is showing an etreme jealousy over everything I have and do...IDK what to think of it, so I try not to. And I don't know about the job thing, but my attorney is notifying his attorney in regards and I have notified the courts...they can deal with him on that one.

Thanks Matt165 - It can happen here in Jersey too, but I don't have any experience with it and how often jail time happens. I know a couple people who have gone, but the percentage, no clue...all I hear are the horror stories of how support and how the whole system is broken.

I too find how Shmoopie plays the victim very disgusting...I'm tired of it, it's exhausting to hear from other people how he cries the blues and such.

I am trying to protect myself and my children, it's extremely hard, and right now, I feel a little worn down. I need a break from it all.

[BRNR]

I am feeling a little weird the past couple of days...and I've nailed it down to the feeling of I miss my "old" H. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride for the past year and a half or so. And when I get too much time with my thoughts, this feeling comes over me. The why's and how's have not come, which leaves me feeling that this mess that was created was for nothing other than to appease shmoopie's most internal wants and desires. Although I don't see a gain on either side.

Shmoopie is on a mission to tear me apart, and I have done nothing but give him space and time and no interference for the type of life he wants to live...it's like he sees I am doing it on my own, and can't bear the thought of it.

I finally received a letter from my attorney that says Shmoopie is represented and will be filing the divorce. He also wants to reduce his support obligations due to him not working. I am a little upset about it...I mean the guy has avoided the obligations completely for a year and now wants to reduce it. i have no fight left in me to fight this battle and have chalked it up to it is what it is. I am more mad with the fact that he is "okay" not supporting his children and me even though we were there for him for 15 years of my life than I am about the divorce or the loss of income that I desperately need.

As I said before, I am worn down. Missing my H (the man he was), and missing the life I should have been living. I look at my boys and see my H in them everyday. It's hard to fight the feeling sometimes.

I will say, that I haven't felt this way for this long in a some time. So an improvement on my part with moving forward is definitely seen.

Nobody I know personally understands how I feel. They all know (including me) how he has done me dirty and they all feel I should be ecstatic that he is gone. And to some degree I am, because I couldn't live in the chaotic way he does. But deep down, that's not the man I knew and married.

I guess if I had one wish, it would be for Shmoopie to see what he has done and be remorseful for it all. Nothing will ever fix it, but it would be nice for him to just "wake the h3ll up" and see what he has done.

Hopefully I get out of my funk soon. It has caused me a few sleepless nights and has broken the peaceful state I was devoting myself too. I have so much worry and fear of the things that are about to come. And I find myself getting angry when others talk negatively about the sitch.

Gonna try to smile my way out of this one today. Hopefully these feelings will subside soon. I can't take this emotion into an interaction with him.

[Matt165]

Hi BRNR,
It's OK to feel what your are right now. I too have those same feeling now that my W has left and filed. I too see my W in my D's. I too really miss the OLD W, my BF for 25 years. I gave her nothing but space, time and even support while she slept on the couch and did whatever she wanted. I didn't interfere in her life at all but that wasn't enough. I was STILL the problem, the reason she is so very unhappy. I stuck by her through years of depression, years of her just not being able to cope. Now all I hear is how I ruined everything, how every set back in our lives was MY fault.

I hear how I'm going to be "horrible' just like "everybody" said I would even though I haven't done a single thing to hurt her. I see her get jealous of my relationship with my D's. How she is now suddenly wanting to be a good mother when it was last on her list for years but just doesn't remember how.

I too seem to be alone in understanding how I feel. Yes, I get she has "done me dirty", I should be glad she is gone. They don't understand it's not the present "her" I miss but the "her" she used to be. The person I know is still in there, waiting to wake back up and see the mistakes she is making. I too want that more than anything. For her to see, really see all the damage she has done and is still doing not just to me but to the people who counted on her (kids) and still want to love her. By the time this happens I'm sure that I'll be long gone and moved on with my life. I still want it badly but I fear that by the time it happens it will no longer matter to me.

Don't worry BRNR, this too shall pass. Keep being the best person and mom you can be. Your H is on a mission to destroy himself and hates that you are refusing to go down with him. Stay strong and be careful. Protect yourself and the kids. You will come through this and be better for it!

[BRNR]

Hi All,

So things have settled down since I last wrote. No contact with Shmoopie is getting me back to where I need to be again.

I've been making a lot of positive moves for me and my boys. Some things have or are coming together and other things plans are being put into place. Baby steps, and I am okay with that.

No word from my attorney regarding the follow up response to Shmoopie's attorney regarding the support issues, health insurance, divorce, etc....not sure that I care what that means really.

In talking with my best friend over the weekend I realized a lot about where I am in this journey...it only took a year and half...LOL! No but seriously, I have found that I am living my life the way I wanted to when Shmoopie was a part of my life. I have really likened everything to a death of my husband. I'm still right where I always wanted to be, he is just not included. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I am happy with it. I live in my home, have good friends, love my two sons, still with my job, and still have my dream car. LOL. I am managing everything independently. And I am proud of me for that. I guess I will go back and read the link for the stages of the LBS, because I am sure that now that I have gone through this I will be able to see myself in them a lot more.

(feel free to post the link if it is readily available to anyone).

I would love to know how Golfmom and Protia are doing? And I don't have a lot of time to read anymore, and only glance from time to time...hoping someone has a good MLC "Survival" Story (whatever that looks like).

I hope everyone is having a good day...when life gives you lemons...throw them at someone. LOL!!! Have a great day everyone.

[job]

I'm glad things have settled down for you and the boys. Maybe your Shmoopie will stay hidden for a while and give you a break for the rest of the summer.

Portia hasn't been around since May. Her father had some surgery in early May and from her last posting, she's been rather busy. I hope she'll return soon.

I haven't heard from Golfmom in quite a while. Again, I do hope she'll return and let us know how she and her children are doing as well.

Take care of yourself and give those boys a hug from all of us here. Enjoy your summer!

[BRNR]

Thanks Job. I am glad things have settled to. I still have some moments in time wondering why the h3ll things have to be this way.

Thanks for the info on Portia and Golfmom. Wishing them well.

[TL72*]

good to read your post - managing everything independently is empowering - I'm where you're at on that, moving forward with life the way I want to live it. It's kind of awesome. glad to hear you're doing well