Like a moth to flame

[Thornton]

Yes, I have read DR.

The trial and error part is where I get confused. I've been advised by everyone to go NC (which I've done and haven't faltered at all). I have received two texts from her in 5 weeks.

The book mentions experiment and monitor results. But all I do is NC. How am I to experiment when all I do is NC?

[Mach1]

Yes, I have read DR.

The trial and error part is where I get confused. I've been advised by everyone to go NC (which I've done and haven't faltered at all). I have received two texts from her in 5 weeks.

The book mentions experiment and monitor results. But all I do is NC. How am I to experiment when all I do is NC?

First of all...define success ????

What you are doing HAS worked....

You are just too focused on the forest to see the trees...

Two weeks ago, you were wondering IF you would ever hear from her again...and now..what ?

Twice in two weeks ???

Sounds like progress to me, just not on YOUR timetable....

[Thornton]

Wow... Mach, thank you.

You're right. I lost my focus on noticing the little things. I have made some progress in my sitch, albeit very subtle.

Thanks again for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Don't give up on me, I feel so fortunate to have you guys in my corner.

[Mach1]

So forget about the "sitch" for now....

What kind of progress have you made on YOU ???

What are you working through in IC ???

[Thornton]

I've been in therapy, reading, reading, reading, working out in the gym, and spending time with my daughter.

In therapy, I've been working on some codependancy issues (control).

[ItHurts]

So you want my advice here Thorn huh? Well you already know what I'm going to say NC NC NC NC NC!!! LOL! It works my friend! As someone said above...you are making it sound like 5 weeks with only two texts...the proper way to think of it is 4 1/2 weeks of NC and your WAW starts to cave...contacting you twice in a short amount of time. So doesn't it stand to reason that you should keep doing EXACTLY what you are doing? It should! I am shocked at how well NC works in fact. As I've told you, my WAW has contacted me no less than 10 times, either in person or via phone messages (that I reply in e-mail to) since she left over a month ago. I have initiated contact with her a whopping ZERO times! Things I notice about my sitch? She still insists on calling when she knows I am only going to reply via e-mail...so why isn't my WAW just e-mailing her issue/question? Because she wants to talk to me that's why. So please, STAY NC...that is my advice...you are trying to turn a positive (two postives in fact since your WAW contacted you twice) into a negative and you shouldn't. You are doing exactly what I think you should be doing. You're getting in her head. That's why she asked "is this easy for you?" Why, of all things, would she ask THAT? Because she thinks you're not really bothered by it as much as she was hoping you'd be. So keep up what you're doing and do not contact her at all. Let her worry about her things...let her be the one to contact you about them. Good job Thorn! 5 weeks is a long time to wait but you got what you set out to get...twice even!! Sounds good to me!

[Thornton]

Roger that, my friend! Thanks for the encouragement!

[Ben2010]

That sounds very familiar Thornton...Not sure where im getting this from...

[JCred]

Hi Thornton.
Just my 2 cents on some observations.....

I want to take you back to the Fathers Day text exchange...
I put in bold texts some of the comments your wife made that shows some insights that I thought were encouraging.

Just received another text.
WAW: Are you doing good?
Me: Keeping busy! My dad said thank for thinking of him smile. You?
WAW: Truth??? Im ok. Ive been doing good things for me and D, but I have very strong moments of sadness. Its just weird that's all. Im hanging in there smile
Me: Glad you are doing things with D. You are a strong person WAH, you're strong than you think smile
WAW: You seen perfectly fine, has this been easy for you?
Me: Easy? No. I didn't want this WAH but I don't have any other option than to respect your decision. I want you to be happy.
WAW: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in an accusing way. Like I said, I didn't want this to be angry. I didn't want it this way either. Im feeling too much right now... Im sorry.
Me: Don't apologize, I understand.


Thoughts????

She asks you if you want the truth? Then says "I'm ok"
and then follows it with "I have very strong moments of sadness".... and then.. "I'm hanging in there."

If I didn't know better, I could have easily thought those comments could have been the same things you could have said to her about how you feel,if your were totally honest.

Please note the words she used.... "VERY STRONG moments of sadness"

She didn't just say she had moments of sadness, but very strong moments of sadness. More than likely she opened up like this to you because you have kept the pressure off of her by leaving her to her thoughts. If you had been calling her and bugging her (like many do) 2 or 3 times a day it wouldn't have given her a chance to go through the sadness. She would have probably been trying so hard to be left alone that her only thoughts would have been things like.."What does he want now" or "I hope he doesn't call today and want to talk about getting back together"... things like that.

My WAW is a silly, fun-loving, person. She's always been that way. To see the switch like this really makes me question if she is just out living it up.

I noticed that you mentioned this about your wife. "Silly, fun-loving person."

Maybe you should take a page out of her playbook.

You know Thornton I love silly, fun-loving people. I think most people like silly fun-loving people. They make you feel good about life. They are fun to be around. Others are attracted to them.. That is a great quality...

I highly recommend that you take note of that quality and develop it in yourself.

I've been in therapy, reading, reading, reading, working out in the gym, and spending time with my daughter.

In therapy, I've been working on some codependancy issues (control).

Now... (and please don't take this wrong)Do you know what that sounds like to someone who is a silly and fun-loving person?..... BORING.... It comes across to me like you are bored out of your skull.. "I'm ok, reading, reading some more and reading some more... pushing myself to go to the gym"..

You don't come across to me as LOVING those things. Don't get me wrong, reading and going to the gym can be great things, but there is a big difference in reading and going to the gym out of your love to do them and reading to pass time for something to do. I would also make a guess that your reading is almost exclusively about relationships and such.... Again, nothing wrong with having that in your life, but silly fun-loving people have a whole lot more in their agenda about enjoying life..

Good to hear your GAL - that is essential to your success! If you don't treat you as valuable, why should anyone else? Write your bucket list, find what puts a bounce in your step and pursue it. My guess is that you were just being you when you won her the first time, right?

That quote was FREE of charge from Chuck, one of the divorce busting coaches. I really like what he said about "find what puts a bounce in your step".. That's a great line that I am going to use. (Thanks Chuck)..

Thornton.. FIND something that puts a bounce in your step. Even if for part of a day.. Then go read, read, read and go to the gym.... Baby steps....

Good work, take your babysteps. While you are at it, make sure you get a good dose of laughter every day! Jim Gaffigan, Josh Blue, Tim Hawkins - whoever cracks you up. It's a quick and easy mood lifter.

Another FREE bit of advice from Chuck the divorce busting coach..... "get a good dose of laughter"....

Maybe your wife just wanted to be silly and laugh and have fun once in a while..
Not only will these things help you Thornton, but it could very well attract your wife back... Most women that I know love to be around a man who has fun and likes to laugh. Little inside jokes between only the two of you... Your wife has given you the playbook. Chuck has given you a game plan.

One other note... I would encourage you to try and change your mindset on the no contact. You make it sound to me like it is a chore and a rule.. Again.. BORING... Even though I don't think you should call her just yet, even if you do call her it isn't the call itself that sets you back. It is what your say and how you come across to her that makes the impact.
If you call all sad and want to talk about the relationship, then I would say it will set you back. If you call and keep it light, stay away from pressuring her and make it short and sweet and nice with a pleasant tone in your voice, then it won't hurt you a bit. So, don't get to caught up in the call or not call, but more on this mindset..."I can call her anytime I want to, but I prefer to give her time to think right now because my gut tells me that. If and when I do call her I will project an attitude of inner happiness and calmness, have some small talk with her if conversation goes that way,then politely get off the phone." Short and sweet.

The not calling seems to be working. I realize it isn't at the pace you want, but her texting to you tells me that she is struggling a bit with this. Maybe as much or more than you. I would wait her out for awhile longer.

Good luck... Your project is... find something that puts a bounce in your step.... Learn how to be more silly and fun-loving..... Find things that make you laugh...

Just my 2 cents. Thanks for listening.
Good luck

[ItHurts]

You bet buddy! You've seen the proof in your own sitch now..and make NO MISTAKE...she WILL contact you again very, very soon... I know it. As long as you maintain strict NC and act happy and in a good mood whenever you do talk to her.