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#2460582 06/15/14 08:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
pbetra Offline OP
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hi there,
been reading & trying to learn what I can here.
the most important lesson being to take care of myself re: mlc H. However, I feel 'frozen'& unable to move forward creatively.

H's mlc:
> began about 4 months ago.
> went to huge event abroad & on return thought about all younger, prettier women that he's missing in his life.
> compounded by his 'single, party animal' brother who clubs every weekend / fri & sat.

disposition/actions:
> became insulting, showed contempt, emotional distance/disconnection, disrespectful of my feelings, nasty.
> isolated me: speaks to all our connections but me - re his day to day experiences and everyday life, his plans - professional or otherwise (!!) (just little things that are no big deal when speaking to a spouse. I would find out by accident or indirectly through someone who just assumed I knew).

actions:
> didn't seem interested in me/family for about 2 of (the current) 4 month old mlc.
> He would dress, shaven ..'cologned' & I would hear the car reverse, & return about 5 AM (btw these are clubs he took me to w/ his brother (!!) just before the mlc began (at that time, he would say he "likes taking his wife out" - & then the bomb dropped(?!!) shocked , followed by the hostility and list of wrong doing ... my 'charges').
> The clubbing has slowed recently (only because he is running out of $$- entertainment is costly esp. at high-end clubs). Whatever $$ he has is for HIS life. Those things he spoke of that included me are now just for him including places we were both interested in visiting ...

My reaction:
> was initially surprised, shocked, confused because I did not recognize this of course.
> child has also had many life events to cope with including one - just a year ago. I didn't want to be rash re my child/10 who is not coping well as it is, so I am trying to handle this very carefully (this forum has been PRECIOUS!! )

> H has had major job issues/ & failed goals which he told me about in the past and got depressed over (years!!).
> H in a lot of denial & is against therapy("too intrusive").
> Soooo I gave him space/distance & he improved a bit -> Up to last night, he inlcuded me when he took me over to his friend & his mature-ish in style looking wife. This was a change after being left alone for months re 'social' (i also know that he would not want his good friend to know of this just yet anyway) But still emotionally distant - no connection

> He went to kid's school activites with us, & to hikes w/family
> also invited the same couple over to our home one evening. He clearly doesn't mind my being with them. But anything remotely glamourous is a no no (I am not overweight & friends tell me I look good for my age), so I realize he's in the market when in the 'meat markets' and leaves me for other scenarios (kid, hikes/nature, mature/slower paced couples & their wives - which is fine! am NOT shallow, just observant! eek ).

I suppose that this is a small improvement but he is still very depressed & disconnected. doesn't really talk to me. We walk on mornings because he wants the exercise anyway. He makes small talk then - for me it feels superficial. i am with a roomate not a partner & the abrupt change is hurtful and stressful.

I am trying to work on myself as advised here/db - but can't seem to get out of this rut! how do other mlc-spouses partners deal with it?

I feel confused, it's hard to know how to act, am sad a lot of the time, hide my tears ...how to get past this frozen state to a contructive one? Want to move forward, while he figures out what he needs to.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

[Re: pbetra] #2460589 06/15/14 08:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
AJM Offline
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Hi P. Welcome to one of the crappiest clubs on the planet - the MLCr club. smile

There are some items 'stickied' at the top of the forum. Have you read those yet? Cadet has a tendency to pop by and post a consolidated list, but in the meantime those should be good reading.

Your conversation reminds me of a good friend of mine. He went through similar, although for a short-ish period of time. Several years. He was depressed, had difficulty sleeping, tried all kinds of new things, flirted with pretty young things, etc. He eventually came out of it and he and his wife are doing great. It could have gone either way, and had absolutely nothing to do with his wife. Nothing. Her only contribution during the entire time was listening to him and not kicking him out. smile

What I'm getting at is that no matter what a MLCr says and does and accuses, it's not about you. It's about them and them trying to survive day to day. Even if you can't see it, there's usually a tremendous amount of turmoil and difficulty.

You can't stop it, change it, or otherwise make it better. You can get out of the way and let it burn itself out. He has to figure it out and he has to do so alone.

HTH,

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
[Re: AJM] #2460590 06/15/14 09:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
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Do self care when you feel frozen.

Things that are easy that you really like.

At the beginning of my husbands crisis I couldnt read anything, which up to that point in my life was a big way I relaxed. I started going to yoga more and more instead. It was kind of a pain and a financial burden doing yoga instead of reading cause also with 2 young kids I had to ask my mom babysit.

My mom did not want to babysit while I did yoga, she thought it was frivolous. But taking care of me was the best thing I could do for myself during that "frozen" period.

Wow, I remember it well - almost like you are moving in molasses.

I also wrote and checked these boards non stop and found Alanon meetings, which I love love love.

I know how hard it is but dont forget to count your blessings


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

[Re: BklynMom] #2460666 06/16/14 02:57 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,312
NY
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 06/16/14 02:58 AM.

Me-67, D34,S33
[Re: Cadet] #2460692 06/16/14 09:44 AM
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Are you still here?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
[Re: pbetra] #2460793 06/16/14 06:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
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Texas
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Hi pbetra,
Depression and MLC go hand in hand. My W has been fighting depression for a very long time and has never really gotten past it. You're going to find that most MLCers have a history of depression at one point BEFORE they leave the real world for the world of Replay (where your H is now). He is trying to replay the past but this time "getting it right". This can last awhile so get strapped in and ready for a bumpy ride! This is where they will spew and blame YOU for every bad thing that has ever happened and happens now. Don't believe them for a second! This isn't your fault. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. All you can do is deal, become the best person you can be, get out of his way and let him deal with his situation. Harder than it sounds.

Time for you to GAL and do some 180's, not for him or to save your marriage but for you as you are going to be tested and you are going to be on your own for the duration. The sooner you understand that you can't believe anything they say and 50% of what you see the better off you will be. Again, not easy and I still need work myself but what they think and feel will change so fast and they will not see that they are wrong in any way. To them you are the problem right now. They are right and will feel justified in any action they take no matter how it affects you or anyone else.

There will be some really good people who will help you along the way. Listen to them, they really do care. Good luck and welcome!

[Re: Matt165] #2460846 06/16/14 09:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
pbetra Offline OP
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Thanks to ALL re your replies! I felt better after reading!

AJM - I have to disagree w/you though! smile This is NOT a crappy club. LOL Since MLC will occur, & is obvoiusly 'an evolutionary flaw', clubs like this are a lifeline ;0). So many of us are isolated by our spouses, it is great to feel less so here. Will check the stickies as you suggested. Appreciate the reassurance “it’s NOT me”!! Yay! Thx again.

BklynMom - I also thought of yoga, but as I mentioned before, I really don’t have the extra cash at the moment. I also have ill parent and am carer re: her. Whatever cash I get, I pay for help some days to get break/rest. The reason I was concerned about my 'frozen nature' is to be able to write & illustrate - my only means of income. I am considering starting (yoga) on my own until I can afford to take classes. It’s a good idea (4 mind & body!!) thx again

CadeT I see what AJM meant (!)
re: >> Cadet has a tendency to pop by and post a consolidated list, but in the meantime those should be good reading.<<
i did actually start reading some of the resources /stickies just after posting (wrong sequence I know LOL), but had so much nervous energy & could not reveal here that I just posted). Thx for the comprehensive list!! I am looking forward to learning more - 'Knowledge is power' ... it creates more control for self, & I think it is that lack of control that gets us experiencing nervous energy & listlessness. The unpredictably of what the spouse/partner will do/say next. Appreciated.

MrBond - 'death yet a new life' (speaks ‘volumes’). It is wonderful to read your reply (like the others). The posters' responses & perspectives bring some semblance of sanity back to me, after being immersed in this choking, fast-whirling, unrecognizable crud. crazy


Matt165
Just read your post as I was coming on board to respond. Thank you for the valuable advice & words of encouragement. It was good to read of your own experience re: this. It's encouraging - the experience is so awful. I know I will re-visit whenever I fall off the tracks LOL


Really wish that I found this site before!
Thx again ALL for taking the time to respond

pbetra


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

[Re: pbetra] #2460851 06/16/14 09:32 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
AJM Offline
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Spunky. That's a good thing smile

One thing to reconsider
Quote:
So many of us are isolated by our spouses
Nobody has ever made me do anything I didn't want to do. Sure I was given choices that made it seem like something they wanted was the better choice. But in the end, I never did anything I didn't want to. Know what I mean?

It's important to understand that we are in control of ourselves. And it's important to understand we cannot control anyone else. That's a key to all of this and its why often, although we are the LBS, we find that we are fine if they come or go (as long as it's not frequently wink )

Something to ponder as you get your legs under you.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
[Re: AJM] #2461033 06/17/14 03:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
pbetra Offline OP
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Posts: 229
re: >>> we are in control of ourselves... important to understand we cannot control anyone else <<<
This is one of my 'memos' - can no longer handle H's yo-yo-ing moods.

AJM - I do have to learn to believe re some 'control'. I have had so many fear issues. I realize that this experience may be a good thing for me b/cause H has anger issues & it compounds my personal sense of peace. I have a lot of self examination to do (esp since 'no spring chicken').

I have not felt in control:
> financially strapped (w/diminshing work opp. & greater expenses)
> ill parent/advanced dementia - for whom I am primary carer
> child w/ emotional issues who relies on me, confides in me.
> history *w/H is similar re father. did not recognize this early on (have self esteem, LOTS of fear issues frown history of introversion. *I did 'this' to myself ... )
Anyway, re: all of the above - I was trying my best to get a grip on these, finding a 'rhythm' ... when this (!!!) happened -
> H's MLC.

All 'mental health issues' to juggle with 'key' people in my life.
A parent, a child a spouse.

I wondered how much more I could take & felt so out of control - did not know I could cry that much or that long!
(WISH I had found here months ago (!), but I did & that's all that matters).

With the opportunity for self searching, I didn't know where to begin, hence the rut post. smile
I am trying to get past 'the rut' to figure out what's good for me, someway to ('sustainably') feel/be better long term.
I want to be less uncertain, less mentally tired & in a fog with never ending burdens for a life. The constant fatigue & stress just results in more errors that cycle more errors & 'more this', 'more that', more draining, emotional burn out ... (all w/less understanding & even more blame). btw it's different the other way around. LOL Life's burdens I can accept, I'm a grown up, I may not like them but that's life & I'm better off than many people anyway! It's just harder to cope with unnecessary strain compounding already challenging situations, & being made to feel responsible for all of life's misfortunes at the same time.

This 'curse' will be a 'blessing' in the long run (as mentioned above). I know that, even though I don't 'feel it' right now.
I will control ME.

Well, on to 'rut-busting' then! Thx again for the advice. smile
pbetra

ps I hope that one day I could be at helpful to you all, as you all have been to me.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

[Re: pbetra] #2461042 06/17/14 03:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Texas
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Posts: 1,103
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Hi pbetra,
Sounds to me like you and I have some things in common. When my W was depressed (started about 7 years ago and the worst lasted 3 years) I took over doing everything. I worked, W didn't. I made dinner, picked up kids from school, cleaned, took care of kids and animals, went to school meetings, you name it, I did it. I ran myself ragged and when my W was finally able to go back to work and start being a part of the family again, in came MLC!

I, like you, feel like I never seem to get a break. That just when I thought maybe I could count on some help from my W, she went away on her journey of self! In my case all my W can say as to why she must end our M is that she is "unhappy". She can't tell me why she feels that she must run and I'm left to look at myself and see on my own the things I did that helped get us all to where we are now. We didn't deserve to be stuck being the one who had to take care of everything but we both did allow it to happen. I am trying to understand why it is that I allowed this to become OK with me. What is it about me that thought and still thinks that it was acceptable that I be put in that position? Why did I think that because I did this I was showing my W my love and devotion?

At the same time what did SHE see? Did she see me trying to help, show her I was there for her no matter what? Or did she see me trying to control things? These are the kind of questions I am now trying to ask myself.

The thing about being an LBS (left behind spouse) is that we CAN ask ourselves these kind of questions and change the things about ourselves and our lives that NEED changing. The MLC S doesn't do that. They will take the things that caused them to be so very unhappy into their next R. Will repeat the same mistakes over and again until they are able to ask themselves these kind of things and change what they need to in order to be the best person they can be. This is the advantage we have that they don't. This is the good that I must bring into probably the worst situation I have ever faced in my life and you have the same opportunity.

Don't buy into the blame that your H will heap on you. They are hurting and they don't know why and like a drowning man will take you down with them if you aren't careful. I know my W is hurting, I see it every day. The thing is I now know that I can't help her, she must do it alone. Time for both of us to work on ourselves and maybe some day our S will start to see what it was that caused them to feel the pain and doubt, see that it wasn't the person who loved them. Until that day all you can do is try to be the best person you can for yourself and your kids!

Good luck, we are here for you!

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