22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[GoatGal]

I'm heading out for a long weekend away (YAY!!!) I could use some wisdom about how much to stay in touch with H.
Not sure if I'm doing more harm than good by being as "dim" as I am right now.


I am kind of doing it for me, but also because I'm pissed at his actions.

Part is curiosity; I'm trying going dim again to see how it feels, but handling it differently than before in that my interactions with him are always pleasant,.

I'm just not initiating ANYTHING. I stay in the house when he's here, I'm not telling him anything nor asking him anything. I am not emailing/texting/calling.

However---
He is such a passive/fearful type.

I'm concerned that he might back WAAAAYYYY off if I continue to avoid him as much as I have been.

I don't think he's the one to take the first step to re-establish the level of contact we had before the last blow-up. If he was interested in more contact (don't know if he is or not), he WILL need it to be "safe".
(This I know for a fact from our life together... not mind-reading.)

I would like to be back on that level where we were talking and texting a lot and things were more relaxed.

On the other hand, I wonder if "giving' him that much of myself and keeping him included is allowing him to eat cake. He's got it pretty good, as far as I'm concerned. He has everything he's said he wanted, and I have pretty much nothing of what I want.


So I'm going away this weekend and out of courtesy I have always let him know my whereabouts.

So--I'm stuck.

Bring him back into the loop, or wait to see if he works his own way back in?

I think if I leave it up to him, he'll think I hate him and just wait for ME to initiate it. Sort of like everything else emotional in our marriage...

He is already pulling back on giving me any info or initiating contact as time goes by, the longer I have been dim.

So....thoughts?

I'm trying to figure if my current actions can do more harm than good, or more good than harm.


----GG

[Cadet]

I'm heading out for a long weekend away (YAY!!!) I could use some wisdom about how much to stay in touch with H.
Not sure if I'm doing more harm than good by being as "dim" as I am right now.

How is it doing harm?

He is divorcing you, correct?
Are you going to be friends after you are divorced?

Are you going to do his laundry and cook him dinner after you are divorced?

Would you come cook me dinner?

I hope you see my point.

[Maybell]

I say wait.

And pick another friend to entrust your whereabouts to.

You have a cell. Your H knows how to reach you. You said it all when you said he's got everything he wants and you've got nothing you want.

GO have a good time! Give yourself a vacation from the drama!

[GoatGal]

Thanks, guys.

No. I will NOT be his friend when we are divorced. I'd probably try and forget I ever met him.

So I'll stay this course for now until something else happens.

I guess my concern is that if he doesn't feel I'm open, he will not initiate contact.
He's been like that our entire marriage. He's a take charge guy at work, but in personal relationships he pretty much is passive/fearful of rejection.


But yes, Cadet--I WOULD cook you dinner!

[GoatGal]

From mdu:
"Just reflecting on how much H responds to my mood/attitude when I see/speak to him. I don't know what to make of this and it seems very counter to DBing because in my case pulling away really seems to work against me. The only thing I can think is he truly felt so rejected by me for so long that he's struggling to go 'first' and feels the need to get the green light from me. Whenever I call and as long as I keep my voice warm and upbeat he's VERY receptive and even a bit flirty (his voice gets sweeter and softer and he's gigglely). Generally the same when I see him in person. It's hard because I keep feeling like he should be purusing ME, and he is to some degree, but I guess I keep thinking it should be ALL on him. But maybe that's just not going to work in my case."



This is my sitch.

Same answer?



---GG

PS: Whatever you say, I'm gonna trust you. Otherwise I'll probably get to see that dreaded 2 X 4!

[Cadet]

See if this thread helps you with why to go dim

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

[Maybell]

GG, my H is the same way in his personal relationships. That is one of the things that he would have to adjust before I would consider reconciliation. Is it a deal-breaker for you?

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Maybell,

At this point I doubt he would be able to change his entire personality.

So, no. Not a deal-breaker. He has a lot of very good qualities. Just not in evidence much at the moment.

Unfortunately, this situation has brought up every demon he's ever dealt with.
And introduced me to some I've never known and never wanted to meet!

Our sitch went from one in which I trusted and respected him implicitly, to one where I know many of his "secrets", don't trust him a bit, and have lost a lot of respect for him.
So for a guy with self-esteem issues (again, fact, not mind-reading) he is really having a hard time with this.
He can't pretend he's Mr. Perfect anymore.


On the up side, he has done many things that show he still cares, he just doesn't want to talk about anything and wants to avoid conflicts at all costs. (Me too!)

He is here almost every day, making sure I have what I need, doing nice little things for me... he is not cheating that I know of, he's pretty transparent, pretty easy-going.
He asks almost as if he hasn't filed... no plans, no... nothing. Except more of the same. It confuses me.

He only brings up the divorce when he gets mad, and he gets mad whenever there is anything that seems to put him in a bad light.
(Gee, not a lot of wiggle room there! He's done some pretty crappy stuff. Kinda hard to pretend he walks on water...)


He's always been like that, except now everything is amplified.
Passive. Fearful. Making knee-jerk impulsive decisions on the HUGE things, and obsessing for months over things like "should the basement floor be 3/4 inch thick, or 5/16?" I'm not even exaggerating. WE STILL HAVE NO BASEMENT FLOOR DUE TO THIS! (Years now.)

I don't even think he ever would have spoken to me the day we met way back when, except that I was bawling my eyes out over my BF who had just dumped me...!

Guess how he met the OW?
You guessed it!


So he's big on rescuing damsels in distress, (they're needy, he can "save" them, it's a built-in ego boost) unless HE is the heel who put them in distress.
In that case, they're just witches trying to make him feel "bad".
And he does NOT like to feel "bad". (Also not mind-reading. History.)

Funny that he stuck with me all those years.

Like now, my misery over my ex BF didn't last all too long. But H stuck around after that.
NOW he says he was trapped for thirty years due to his guilt; he didn't want to dump me like ex BF had done. (WTF???) He should be nominated for Sainthood!


Yes, Cadet, I will read that article too.
I am still digesting the dim/dark thing and I am slowing making my way through your homework list again.

I am also re-reading my DBing books, and I haven't found a lot on HOW to detach, just how to create some distance.

I can "act" detached, mostly.

But "feeling" detached is REALLY HARD.

Because it feels like "NOT LOVE", like hardening my heart.

I'm afraid if I harden it too much, I will be done. And he will feel it, and feel like there's no hope.

Then we will BOTH be done that that will be that.

---GG

PS: Before anybody brings out the big guns, I KNOW this post was a lot about him and how he is. It's just information that may or may not impact how I do my 180...So don't shoot me. I'm really good at ducking now!

[Maybell]

GoatGal, I REALLY hope you are dancing and don't read this till Monday... but in case you're not, I was only thinking how you should handle THIS WEEKEND. Because of course everything changes when you're home again.

[GoatGal]

Yes---I am at my event!
Gearing up to dance with people from all over the world; Moscow, Copenhagen, Berlin, Tokyo, Sydney... I am GALing big time!

It was a 6 hour drive here, alone, as usual, and I had a lot of time to think.

I thought a lot about "detaching" and wondering what I keep clinging to.
I realized I am clinging fervently to my life as I know it, as I have built it.
It's about my H, yes, but it's just as much about my home, my animals, my being part of something built with a partner.

I understand that until I can "let go" of this, accept that it's as good as gone, that I will always be holding on. And that holding on so dearly means I am at the mercy of my H's actions.
I think this is where the fear comes from

Not a fear of being alone or not being happy; but the fear that he, by his actions, will destroy this.

He can.
He will if he wants to.
As much as breaks my heart, I see it clear as day.

So tonight I am excited to catch up with music/dance pals from around the globe,
and burn the floor. Then get up and do it until the wee hours of Monday.

H is alone on the farm with the animals... He will enjoy that.

More tomorrow on how my "dim" is working.
(Thanks, Cadet, I think you were right.)