Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[rayzzz]

hey you with broken hearts longing for the return of your beloved! Go to the gym. Seriously.
Yesterday was my first "ok here comes single Dadhood" and I had no friends and nothing to do by myself...so after digging myself out of undetachment and pining away for WAS i decided to go to the gym. Hit every piece of equipment there and the bikes three times and felt really good. That is my LRG "Last Resort GAL place" if I wind up starting to feel lonely and weak for WAW.
Today was good. I shook off the thoughts where you fantasize you are back together again and as detachment took hold had a good time at church with kids (communion always helps me to not focus my thoughts so inward too). ok now I am GALing it with the lawn mower and an overgrown back yard. Though for the day " I am doing myself and her a favour by leaving her alone..I am enough for me"

[rayzzz]

180 Review!
So I am in step 5" Experiment & Monitor Results"
I have been 180ing by being:
-quiet instead of my normal yappy self
-not telling about my outings
-not asking her about where she has been
-going dim-no contact/text/phone unless its essential for scheduling with kids
-doing stuff without manipulation, grandstanding, ego stroking "hey look who just fixed the sink" ...again just doing it quietly and out of necessity not praise
...
The results (after 3 weeks)
-she has been thinking I am mad at her because I have been quiet the last few weeks...
-she just stopped sharing her outings with me too. and she stopped asking about my outings too?!?! like she is 180ing me. And this is more her character anyways...she is a deep thinker and shares very thoughtfully
Oh well tough beans. Think I just stubbornly persist and see if she breaks
-same with no texting/contact! A couple days after I stopped pursing her she stopped as well. Nada. Feels like she is thrilled I am finally backing off and she doesnt have to waste time with me. so not a text unless its scheduling/kids

I am a little down right now. The fine line here is my 180 is not gifts or romantic gestures but just not being lazy and doing stuff that needs to be done. I mowed the lawn today. normally I would let her know "I did it" like I needed a badge or something, but now I just do stuff without saying a word. Thats what real men do..get er done.

So any thoughts? maybe i just need to keep sticking with it. We move out to our separate homes in 2 weeks....

[rayzzz]

Hey peeps,

Here's some reflection and journaling...
I think I know how I can work on the character issues that need to be transformed in me to help me be happy and see how it impacts others. My personal goals:

-To work hard! Be a hard worker, not lazy in everything...even cleaning dishes etc..
-To be gentle in words and action...have a tendency to be loud and be impatient. Great verse in Bible "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." stop being harsh work on anger...just grew up screaming as communication
-To be mindful and look after what's mine; family, job, ..
-To alway look beyond: have a vision and direction to a destination

re: Sexual Detachment

This next part is mostly for the guys only and I have not seen this addressed on any threads:

If you are masturbating and thinking about your wife STOP IT.
You are deceiving yourself into thinking she loves you and you are reconciled when it ain't the truth unless you are actually having sex with her!! Detachment becomes ten times harder because we connect thru sex...even pretend sex. Fantasizing is wrong too, but if its just in your head you can break those thoughts easier.
I know because this vice has set me back from the advances I was making detaching.... so cut. it. out.

Am I right?

[stumps]

I like what you have to say here rayzzz. Sounds like you're on the right path. Keep it up!

[Ben2010]

Hey peeps,

If you are masturbating and thinking about your wife STOP IT.
You are deceiving yourself into thinking she loves you and you are reconciled when it ain't the truth unless you are actually having sex with her!! Detachment becomes ten times harder because we connect thru sex...even pretend sex. Fantasizing is wrong too, but if its just in your head you can break those thoughts easier.
I know because this vice has set me back from the advances I was making detaching.... so cut. it. out.

Am I right?

I seem to have an issue with this too. Its very hard not to do so when thats really all you want. Thought i was doing myself a favor by not looking at porn. I guess not though.

[GoatGal]

Yikes.

But yes.

Bonding chemicals are released. An attachment is formed to a person, porn, an act... all good in a good relationship, but all bad when the attachment is harmful.

And....now I'm stepping out of this one...

[rayzzz]

Thanks stump, ben

Ben I hear ya. I gave up porn too and its basically a coward's way to intimacy. Its easy to delude yourself into thinking you can have any woman you want without having to engage with them.. Unrealistic and meaningless .This hurt my marriage too cause WAW felt she couldnt compete with the models etc...
I miss the sex, but near the end WAW did it without emotion and I just felt used...sharing in her joys and heartache made being with her that much richer. Its gonna be a long battle but I am not giving up.

[Ben2010]

Yeah the porn thing had the same effect on my W. It seemed to really lower her self esteem. I didnt know that it was that big of an issue or I would have gotten some help with it sooner. Im finding it hard to not look at it now because im lonely without the W. Still have not looked at it since she left though. Doing ok with it. Unless you count pics of your W as porn too.

[rayzzz]

so here's what happened yesterday:

Talking about separation to kids

WAW & I had a little meeting just before telling the kids about our separation. We went through some of our script and then she asked me "So where are things between us?" and for the first time I held my db cool and said "I'm just just doing alot of thinking about us right now and dont really feel comfortable giving you an answer". She pressed a bit more and then retreated into saying that its better for us, she thinks if we just stay "partners, co partners/friends" because its just to hard on her, all of this "swirl" of emotions she feels about us. and then we worked on the sample kids question if they ask "So are we getting a divorce?" and she said both times in practice and in our real talk: "We are just separating for now" and then D6 asked "So are we ever going to live together in the same house?"
and WAW answered "I don't know". WINNING! I found out later that she skyped a good friend of ours(her bridesmaid) and talked with her for two hours yesterday....think WAW may have finally got a good perspective from someone who was not one of her D friends.

So gonna take a deep breath but my LRT and 180s are giving me a little bit of light to slowly and steadily march towards.

Now here's the script we used:

We were both very strong and calm and empathized with sadness but did not break...a little misty eyed but lots of just being fully present in love. We both told them at noon and took the rest of the day off so we could be there for them...having a junkfoodfest and watching family movies...something we haven't done in months....ok here we go

"We are a family...sometimes families live in two different houses. Daddy and Mommy will always be your parents and we love each other. We will still get together for some special times (we will still go to ballet,church..)but we have big problems that we need to work on separately, so that is why we are separating.
(me) I love mommy more than anyone else in the world and I promise I will be a better daddy to mommy and a better friend to mommy
(WAW) In order to save our friendship and because it is best for us and will help us love each other more...these are the reasons we are separating"

Now my kids have a degree of peace on them everyone has been praying on and comment on all the time. I expected more of a freak out. There were tears but the loudest my S4 who did not want to move from this house! D6 (the quietest) cried "Does that mean we will have no more Daddy dates?(kids &WAW moving in with parents) D6 was the one who asked us about if we were going to live together again....and my sweet little trooper D8...she just knew this was the elephant in the room since WAW and I have been avoiding each other for three months...I know she was crushed but also relieved...just cried softly and after some hugs twice said the most profound things to me (totally did not share this with WAW cause it may reinforce D)

"Dad, I'm glad you made the right decision for you and mom"
"Dad I think you and mom are making the right choice for us"

Dumbstruck. she is just so trusting in us...but I know the reality will really hit as we move and loss will set in but such wisdom from my little girl.

My family therapist friend i debriefed with encouraged me that modeling peace in conflict and being calm and cool in challenges paves the way for your children to live that way as well, making big deposits of healthy character. PTL so blessed that bringing healthy to myself will really spill over to my kids and every aspect of life. I will hide this away in hard times, with WAW and other challenges.

For me, I am out to a board meeting (its volunteer with new friends so I consider it a GAL) some job hunting and maybe some outside playground time with kids.

[rayzzz]

So should i be worried that because my kids have taken this pretty well that my WAW will think D is a good idea then?