"For me it was a co worker who was going through hard times , D and children troubles. She valued my input and we talked often. If felt so good to have someone ask my opinion. w never asked my opinion. Right from the beginning. That's not a shot. It's a truth. So in the very typical male mind I was flattered to have a woman seek me out and ask for help. And stupidly I never associated it with an A. " because we weren't physical". But reflection has me asking myself a question and already knowing the answer. " if I thought it was fine why did I keep it from W?" Arrrg cause somewhere in my gut I knew it wasn't fine!"
FYI: This is EXACTLY, to the letter, how my H described how he got involved with a woman at work! This is how an EA goes to a PA. People don't (usually) just go: "You're hot! Let's go a hotel and lie to our spouses!"
My H started sharing with HER on a level that was inappropriate. He started talking to HER about his feelings, hopes and dreams, instead of talking to his wife about personal things. He has told me this is how it started. She was "vulnerable". She had "problems" that she needed "him" to "help" with and be a shoulder to cry on.
She was needy enough that he felt superior and thus more able to share those parts of himself that he kept from me, because he "did not feel comfortable". (Those were his words, and he still says he doesn't understand "why that is." I believe him.)
And on some level he might have recognized where it "crossed the line", when he didn't talk about her with me the way he did about other co-workers. But at that point, I was really not his #1 priority.
When he withheld information, when it started to become "secret".
When SHE became the person he looked forward to seeing and talking to. When she was the one who started to get the first call in the morning, the last text at night. When she was the one who he called over three hundred times in one month, and texted thousands of times... I looked at the phone records in the beginning, and in that particular month, he called me FIVE TIMES, texted me rarely. I felt ill. This is BEFORE the PA ever happened. They were working up to it. (But there I digress, it's my pain calling...)
Right there is where it goes wrong..
Why he felt he couldn't/didn't want to talk to me on that level is something I'm trying to figure out...and see if I can see myself to blame anywhere.
Not to beat myself up, just to open that line of communication if he felt it was closed due to my actions.
And the fact that he didn't want to/was able to, share himself with ME, the one who loved him and had bonded my life to his... this fact is hurtful to me.
That's the kind of relationship I have always wanted with him.
So him opening up to some woman at work who ended up being a blip on the radar (which downed our plane) is hard to accept sometimes.
I always wanted his opinion... valued it.
He just never seemed to want to voice it. So that's what I'm exploring now. -----------------------------------
"I'm starting to really hate this self examination ;-) "
That's funny. I originally read this as "I'm really starting to LIKE this self-examination"!!! I think because that's what I've been feeling. I am learning a LOT.
Sometimes it's hard to see ourselves as others see us.
But I think you are doing an incredible job of not shutting down and walking away from all this. It's got to be painful... you have courage to keep pushing forward.
I apologize for hi-jacking your thread, if that's what I have done. My goal is to share my thoughts...hopefully they are helpful.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
"W loves to read everything. Once she does she is an instant expert. After a few ic sessions she's cured. On a path. A better person. A strong person. I however am broken and weak. Everything must be my fault. But she still "loves" and wants to work on marriage. This after receiving a panicked email about how will she live how will she earn a living??? Maybe she could use the masters I paid for. Is it me? Am I being too harsh or does it sound a lot like she might love the paycheck more?? Thoughts?"
cw---This could be how my husband perceives me. And I tell you, it's not how I see it at all. I think it's a personality type. Your wife sounds like me. I'm gonna get out there and learn it and improve and darn it--it's gonna get rectified. My H is more, "Duck and cover, I'm not gonna win anyway."
Sounds tooooooo familiar...
And this is where it gets hard. Because I definitely see myself in your description of your wife, and it's not pretty.
I could have written that letter to my H and left him behind. However, he beat me to the punch.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
1) Do you want to save your M? 2) Are you willing to keep working on yourself? 3) Do you love your W? 4) Are you living at home or did she/you move out? 5) How often do you see your kids? 6) Are you “seeing” anyone now? 7) Do you have any interaction with you W? if so, what is it like? 8) Do you believe in yourself? 9) Do you think you can forgive yourself and your W? 10) If I told you….that your W would come back to you, that you would have a kick arse M but it would take you 1 year – would you still be committed?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I think to you point it's not about not making the same mistakes. My W is with om. And she us happy. Actually I think he is from this forum. I'm with a gf. And she and I speak the sand ll. We connect in a way W and I never did. W is happy now in a way I never could make her. I'm happy now in a way she couldn't make me. I'm sad because I've lost a friend. A dear close friend but we gave what we could and both moved on to better partners. Ones that understand and can communicate. We had a rocky marriage but two beautiful kids. She is a remarkable woman. And now she is happy. She is fulfilled in a way I could not. The last 72 hrs been invaluable. I have a lot to reflect on. Hopefully this will take me forward in this new R. Thank you all
cw.. if this is really true, ^^^^^^ I have to tell you, I feel a bit violated.
Truly the last thing I needed after opening my heart to you. I actually told you things I have not told anybody, in an effort to help.
Now I feel you were either just looking for justification, or maybe fishing to see if OM was on here and if you could reel him in.
Either way, it doesn't feel good on my end.
I am still processing this. I felt safe here. Now, not so much.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I think to you point it's not about not making the same mistakes. My W is with om. And she us happy. Actually I think he is from this forum. I'm with a gf.
Wow, the thread reads a little differently with this info.
Originally Posted By: Cw_wc
The last 72 hrs been invaluable. I have a lot to reflect on. Hopefully this will take me forward in this new R. Thank you all
This looks like a sign off. Maybe he'll learn something someday.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
We'll since you all asked. And since you all have confirmed that an ea and a pa are the same then yes. My w is with another person. And it is from this forum and it isn't new. Why are you all mad about this. ???? I accept it. Expected it. I'm a little lost on all the reactions.
I was very clear from the beginning that this marriage was over. You all gave me things to reflect on. I even stated that I didn't think this was the right place for me. You encouraged me to continue. I'm a little confused to be honest. My W led me to this forum. We post separately. Nothing I've said here is inaccurate. And several times I have expressed my feeling that I'm in the wrong place. Several of you know exactly who my W is. Your reactions to my posts indicate this. I really do value the input, the comments. I don't want to make the same mistake moving forward.
