22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[Cadet]

"But what do I DO about it?"

Ugh... I know... Nothing. Right?

YUP

Thanks, Cadet. I will do that ASAP.

Before I do, though, can you give me an idea what I should be looking at?

I did read all that when I started, and there was a LOT of info.

(And I love a lot of info...but I don't want to swim around in the deep end if I'm only supposed to be in the kiddie pool. )

Take your time with it, there is no hurry.

I would read it in the order that it is presented.

The resources have a whole set of links in them too.

Take those in order too.

[GoatGal]

I know the depression part of MLC.

I thought he was a bit old for that, and I think he had one when we were first dating at 37!

I think he is definitely depressed. He mentioned suicide twice last year, at ILYBINILWY speech time.

But after that he saw a shrink and "supposedly" the doc said he "IS" depressed, but doesn't need meds.

That's just what I "heard", so you know how I feel about that.
He quit therapy the day after he filed for divorce.

H also "said" that his testosterone levels were "GREAT!!!!"

Well, he's 63, so...
How "great" can they be?

Again--this is just something he "said".

My mother and father ended up getting help for their depression.
And frankly, the only reason my mother did is because I pushed her and wouldn't accept her wish to just die.

It saved her life and that was 8 years ago.

It's hard to watch. But I do see lots of similarities.

The utter disconnect, the focus on themselves, the lack of empathy, anxiety, lack of enjoyment in anything, self-medicating with alcohol/computer... and low self-esteem running through it all.

In all cases, people with very big outward egos, "top of the heap".
Underneath, very vulnerable and very fragile people.
People who were perceived socially as highly competent at their jobs, "larger than life".
But close friends have said about my mother in particular. "Well, you know... you just never get close to "Mary"."

I watched both my parent self-destruct in various ways growing up.
And--SURPRISE!!!
I was the one who felt I needed to "help". I was the mediator, the "fixer".

I thought I picked a man who did not need "fixing".
Wrong.
He just doesn't need fixing by me.
And the problem was never really evident until a couple of years ago.
Not that I can see, even looking back really hard to find it.


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I know it sounds like "mind-reading" to paint my H with the same brush, but it's based on experience.

I have seen the personality change...the suspicion, the change of heart about people they used to consider friends; now those beloved friends never do anything right, they are turned away, and it's now it's doubtful they were ever important anyway.

You say "The sky is blue and it's a beautiful day!", and they're angry for you pointing that out, then they insist "It's going to rain. It ALWAYS rains. ON MY HEAD."

Then they accuse you of stealing the dishrags.
(My mother did this, as well as telling her friends I had "elder abused" her when I was the only child caring for her. (She's in her 80s.)

It took YEARS for those friends to realize she was out of her mind when she did this.
And to this day she has no memory of it, although people have told her. She can't believe she ever did that. But she did.
I am glad she doesn't remember, but I will never forget how hurtful that was.
A lot like now.

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I'm guessing that's where you're pointing me by the quote you pulled.

And that little voice in my head is saying:
"Right!"
"He's DEPRESSED."
"But what do I DO about it?"

Ugh... I know... Nothing. Right?

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Cadet.

I will read it all again, repeat as necessary.

--GG

[GoatGal]

OK, Cadet.

Good advice. Just re-reading the whole "going dark" thread was an eye-opener.

I realized I hadn't absorbed some important details.
I'm going to mull this over.

And a new 180 for me:

EDIT MYSELF!

(When I'm writing, or talking, the thoughts come super-fast. I type super-fast, and there is born the perfect storm of "Post Overload". I apologize for being so--verbose.)

[Cadet]

Sounds good,

Knowledge is Power.

Let me know if you have any questions.

[bustingout]

GG-
I just wanted to pop in and say I have been reading a lot of what you age been posting to CW and I really like and admire your insight, and the way you can express yourself. I read you and I think 'yes!- in wonder if she can speak to my h..' :-)

You have a lot to offer. You really see to get it.

Much love.

[Cadet]

How to I unsubscribe from emails?
I really don't want my H seeing all these "Divorce Busting" emails popping up.

He might get the wrong idea.
(*wink*)

Go up to my stuff ^^^^^
Preferences

E-mail - set to NO

[GoatGal]

Thanks, bustingout,

His situation just resonated with me, and sharing my experience with him has really helped to clarify some things in my R.

Talking with him is the next-best-thing to talking with my H about this stuff, something he says will "NEVER happen!"

So it's good for me too...

--GG

[GoatGal]

Cadet, I have done that more than once. But I'll double-check.

"If it's right in front of my nose, you can bet I'll overlook it."
--GG

[Cadet]

What is the setting in Edit-Profile set too, concerning e-mails?