22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[GoatGal]

i was going to write something but someone else has said beautifully.

From one of my favorite writers, David Richo:

“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”

This is put beautifully. Thanks.

[GoatGal]

Have you ever studied meditation or yoga.

Either/both might be very helpful for you.

I don't disagree!!!
(Are you telling me I need to "calm down"? Heee-heeee... If so, you're preaching to the choir! )

However, I have ADHD--see above somewhere ^^^---and as such, I'd rather poke my eye out with a sharp stick.

More seriously though, yes, I agree, and I appreciate the suggestion.
They are definitely helpful, and they would be great--- if I could actually do them.
I have tried various guided imagery meditations to help calm myself.
They do work. I have a few on my laptop that I go through when I get really wound up.
(I found that a River Otter was my totem animal! Make total sense! )


So, yeah.
I've tried Yoga, Tai Chi, Chi Gong (sp), but honestly I get so bored... then that sort of defeats the purpose. I've dabbled. They're all good.

But see "sharp stick" comment above.

I've found, through trial and error, that what works best for me are the more active forms of meditation/body awareness/thought-stopping/redirection/reframing of thoughts.

Lots of hard-core exercise, a soak in a hot tub, playing music, watching a good Zombie flick with a big glass of a nice Pinot Noir and a big bowl of gluten-free Mac 'n' Cheese, (preferably all of the above), well...those can't be underestimated in their "calming" abilities either.

So I'm more of a "work-book" type in processing my emotions and calming my inner dialogue, and lots of dancing for the release in the body, doing comforting/enjoyable things for myself.

Works for me, at least when things are less crazy than they are now.

I'll let you know how well this stance holds up the next time there is a crisis!


----GG

[labug]

I'm not telling you you need to do anything, just offering suggestions of things that might be helpful.

I get bored, too. When I first started, I could barely last 5 minutes. Sitting with that is part of the practice. It's well documented that it does change the neurophysiology of the brain. But it's work.

There are some pretty good studies that find yoga can be very helpful for folks with ADHD.

[GoatGal]

I've read that too... at first I tried everything.

But those first five minutes are a bitch!

[claire7]

I've read recently that meditation specifically can help improve focus. If it is those "First five minutes" that are so difficult. ..that seems worth trying to get better at, perhaps... We can get better at anything with practice and concerted effort...

[Maybell]

Sounds to me like GG has found a form of active meditation that is working for her. I don't *think* I'm ADD but I have found since all this blew up that I do better when I'm in motion. And that is after many years of yoga practice that helped me cope with the ordinary stresses of life.

[GoatGal]

I think we all know that detaching is REALLY important. But the question is--HOW??? Please feel free to add to this if you have any golden nuggets!


Detaching Means:

1. Understanding where our spouses are coming from without feeling like we need to be responsible for their choices, nor agree with them. (Thanks, Maybell.)

2. Letting go of the need to try and control them, educate them, open their eyes, see what they're missing/losing, make them feel guilty, sorry, miserable, or jealous.

3. Releasing the desire to "fix" them, "help" them, or "cure" them.

4. Embracing them as individuals--not just "our" spouses--- with separate ideas and agendas; who will do things their own way, on their own timeline, whether we like it or not.

5. Accepting that they may never return to us as the people we knew.

6. Focusing on our own behavior and our own lives, improving ourselves in ways that would make us happy and enhance future relationships, with or without our spouses.

7. Striving to be our best, authentic selves in spite of a difficult situation.

8. Not allowing our spouses to take up any more space in our heads than is necessary, while still keeping them in our hearts.

9. Responding thoughtfully to interactions with our spouses, rather than reacting emotionally.

You know you're NOT detached when:

1. You are consumed with thoughts of him/her and---what if...?

2. You wonder who he/she is with, and what they might be doing.

3. You still feel a strong urge to snoop and know what they're up to.

4. You read significance into every little thing, searching frantically for crumbs of hope.


You're Starting to Be Detached When:

1. You look forward to plans on your own.

2. Your spouse is not the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of at night.

3. You're feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin. You know you'll be OK in the end.

4. You can deal with your spouse on a friendly level as you would a neighbor or casual acquaintance, and it feels natural to do so.

DETACHING: How To

(Here's where I need help! Feel free to add to this.)

Reframing negative thoughts, which helps to calm negative emotions, allowing us to behave in a way that is in line with our personal values.

(You can see, that's all I got.)

---GG

[GoatGal]

On the dim/dark/detaching:

I struggle with how much to share with my H.

Since this all started I have behaved in accordance with my values. (Except for the first few weeks when I was a Bi%$h on wheels.)
No flirting, no dating, always let him know where I was, who I was with, including phone numbers. I think this is because I perceive him as threatened, and I want HIM to know I'm still the person I always was, not acting out in ways to get back at him.

I'm doing it for ME. Because it's the right thing to do when we have shared animals, etc., in case anything happens to me.

(Just answered my own question.)

Lately he has done many things which show he is not completely gone from me, no matter what he says. (He only says the dreaded "D" word when he is really angry, usually screaming it or repeating it like a child. I know. It's weird. I have NEVER had him tell me that he wants a divorce when he is calm and acting like an adult. I have to think about this.)

Anyhow, we had been in the pattern of checking in with each other throughout the day, texting each other "goodnight"...this took awhile to work up to. We even got up to calling each other again and chatting on the phone about everything BUT the R.

This went south with the "phone debacle" last weekend. ^^^ See above somewhere for the gory details...

Although with that incident, I went against my ethics, and against DBing, I realized after a time that I was really upset with how he handled it by splitting our phone account.

It felt to me like I was being bullied.

He has control of everything (financial, utilities, 401K, etc.) and when he gets angry, he exercises his "right" to change whatever he wants to and I have no choice.

He said he "doesn't feel like he has abused his power" I guess because he has not yet taken steps to control our finances without my input.

But my feeling is that he HAS.
--------------------------------------------------

Over the last two years he has done whatever he wanted, no matter the negative impact on me. He filed for divorce, telling me I had no choice, that he wasn't going to explain anything, and he "didn't owe me a DAMN thing."

I felt abused emotionally.
And while he was actively in the affair, he was downright cruel to me. He made me cry several times a week and I really didn't understand what was going on at all. He denied cheating, denied... blamed me for stupid things, like all the stupid things we LBS hear...
So I see where I'm going here and I'll stop because it's pointless.
---------------------------------------------------

The POINT is, he has taken positive steps towards me.
We were doing better.
His actions show me that he is willing to put the phone incident behind us.
He is back to telling me his whereabouts and checking in, albeit with some lame excuses, but I'll take it.

I know in his mind we are "not together", however, he sort of acts like I'm still his wife, that this is his house, we're picking paint colors for the house neither of us will be living in if we are divorced, for Pete's sake!!
When he's here he walks around like he owns the place.
He asks about light fixtures for the remodel... He says "we should do X'.. on the other hand, he SAYS he's "at peace" and "moving on". It sure doesn't look that way where I'm sitting.

To me, it's NOT OK for him to do things to our joint accounts just because he can.
No matter what I did, to me this crosses some kind of line... I'm not sure how I feel exactly. It feels like a turning point.


I'm really getting fed up at what I see as a total departure from reality, or some kind of weird manipulation from him.

Should I stay sort of dim and see how it plays out?
Should I open up a bit to him and send him a cute pic of the chickens?

I guess what I'm asking is:
Am I allowing him to enjoy himself a bit TOO MUCH?

He doesn't live here, I do 75% of the work. I'm up at dawn and late at night.
He's got it pretty cushy in his friend's guest room, he gets to come up here whenever he wants and play with the dogs, do the things he likes to do, then he leaves and I'm here to clean up and do all the dirty work.

Why should I be including him in the good parts of what used to be our life?

I have been sharing this nice life with him via communication/pics, etc. not to make him feel guilty at all, but because I know it's important to him.
You know "We're all fine, a nice day, thanks for your help- pic of sleeping mutt."

I am feeling resentful... so, do I stop this because he's having his cake and eating it too? Or do I continue because it is paving the road back home?

Arrrggghhhhh...

[GoatGal]

And--- I'm off to a big dance weekend and so I'll be MIA until next week.

I can't wait to read what exciting things have transpired when I get back.

Meanwhile, if you see me posting on here, I am supposed to be focused on other things. So be my accountability partners!



Have a great week.

--GG

[Maybell]

GG, Have a great time at your dance weekend!!!

Your detaching list is pretty comprehensive. I think I'm going to copy it somewhere since it gives me a roadmap for the roughly half of detaching I still have left to do. Thanks for that.

Re: Your dim post... I've been doing a lot of what you were talking about, using my kids instead of chickens & dogs. Cadet kindly reminded him that his needs were getting met and we weren't going to make any progress if I kept reaching out to him. I'm not going to say that you're in the same boat as me, though a lot sounds familiar, but it might be worth seeing what Cadet & Labug were telling me and consider if it applies to you. I don't necessarily feel like I'm qualified at this point to give a whole lot of advice.

But HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. Dance your heart out and let all the crazy into the universe to make space for your wonderful self!