Help please

[Maybell]

It's not my life falling apart, it's demolition in preparation for new construction.

Right?

[Maybell]

So is this a stupid question?

I'm not sure what to look at in myself to use this time to grow. I feel like I've been working on growing all through my M. I have taken on all sorts of challenges and learning opportunities, pretty much by myself. H works a ton and never wanted to do anything. I would try to explore activities he might be interested in doing together and all he wanted to do was sit home and recover. Dates were dinner and a movie. Always. We lived in a really vibrant cultural area and he never wanted to go listen to music, rarely see a play, hiking was too much trouble, etc. He never got excited about anything. If I took up a new activity or made friends it was always my stuff, never anything I could lure him into.

Now we're separated and I feel liberated in a lot of ways. I can go try activities without having to worry about leaving him behind. The kids want a fish, or a cat, I can say yes and not worry about him grumbling. I can choose to take them to a street festival or a farm and I don't have to worry if he thinks it's a success or not. I've been spending a ton of time with friends and I don't have to worry if they're the ones he thinks are boring. I can go to church and not have to rush away because he doesn't like church. I can be fifteen minutes later than planned leaving for an outing and nobody is going to get irritable because we're late (even though he rarely helped).

I love him and want to rebuild our relationship, but I do NOT want it to include all this pressure I'm accustomed to. I want to hear what he wants to do too and actually do those things -- without the pressure of worrying if it's a "successful" activity or not.

This is the sort of person I want to be and the only difference between the time we were together and now is how free I feel to be the person I want to be. I make friends easily and I work to keep them. I haven't always done as good a job of that with H because I built up a lot of resentment towards him for not wanting to spend time with me, doing his stuff or my stuff or our stuff (he ALWAYS wants it to include an electronic screen).

So this time of going dark with him (reading the thread somebody referenced on CW-wc's thread) is meant for me to build myself up. What should I look for as areas for potential growth? I'm comfortable as I am, my relationships with others are good and/or improving with the changes I've made in the last 2-3 months... what else?? Just carry on?

Thanks.

[Grey]

So is this a stupid question?

I'm not sure what to look at in myself to use this time to grow. I feel like I've been working on growing all through my M. I have taken on all sorts of challenges and learning opportunities, pretty much by myself. H works a ton and never wanted to do anything. I would try to explore activities he might be interested in doing together and all he wanted to do was sit home and recover. Dates were dinner and a movie. Always. We lived in a really vibrant cultural area and he never wanted to go listen to music, rarely see a play, hiking was too much trouble, etc. He never got excited about anything. If I took up a new activity or made friends it was always my stuff, never anything I could lure him into.

Now we're separated and I feel liberated in a lot of ways. I can go try activities without having to worry about leaving him behind. The kids want a fish, or a cat, I can say yes and not worry about him grumbling. I can choose to take them to a street festival or a farm and I don't have to worry if he thinks it's a success or not. I've been spending a ton of time with friends and I don't have to worry if they're the ones he thinks are boring. I can go to church and not have to rush away because he doesn't like church. I can be fifteen minutes later than planned leaving for an outing and nobody is going to get irritable because we're late (even though he rarely helped).

I love him and want to rebuild our relationship, but I do NOT want it to include all this pressure I'm accustomed to. I want to hear what he wants to do too and actually do those things -- without the pressure of worrying if it's a "successful" activity or not.

This is the sort of person I want to be and the only difference between the time we were together and now is how free I feel to be the person I want to be. I make friends easily and I work to keep them. I haven't always done as good a job of that with H because I built up a lot of resentment towards him for not wanting to spend time with me, doing his stuff or my stuff or our stuff (he ALWAYS wants it to include an electronic screen).

So this time of going dark with him (reading the thread somebody referenced on CW-wc's thread) is meant for me to build myself up. What should I look for as areas for potential growth? I'm comfortable as I am, my relationships with others are good and/or improving with the changes I've made in the last 2-3 months... what else?? Just carry on?

Thanks.

I wish I was in that position, if only so my answer would be clearer for what I'm supposed to do. I give my wife tons of time. I give her affection, poetry, paintings, cooking, cleaning, compassion, everything that she wants to be happy. And she is happy.

Only we don't have sex now. We have been married 8 months and now haven't had sex in 8 weeks. I know this sounds selfish, but I wish I had done something terrible like cheating on her or lying or being a slob JUST so I could understand why she stopped wanting to have sex-----we have a great physical connection...just not sex. Everything but sex. It breaks my heart. She had sex with lots of other guys before we met, now just not with me? So I keep reading stories about, well, jerks.

OK, maybe I'm over-generalizing your H as a jerk, but still, he was doing something anyone (including himself) knew was wrong. You fix it, take time, and get back to being wanted, only it sounds like you still want him. So I don't get it.

My wife dated jerks. Hell, she married one a long time ago. I'm not a jerk, but she doesn't want me. I'm not a goody-two-shoes either, but I'm dying, I don't know why getting a wedding ring turned me into a glorified roommate. I'm sorry---I know this probably isn't helping you, but I liked reading your story.

[GoatGal]

Hey Maybell,

I admit I only skimmed your posts since I'm getting into DBing overload mode, but I can address the ADD thing, both in myself and in my husband.

I have not gotten into that in my own journaling so far, because I don't want it to seem like an excuse or a crutch. But it is a reality and it does impact things.

Feel free to reply on my thread, or on yours if you prefer, or you can send me a private message.

[Maybell]

GoatGal, the ADD thing is new information since the MC started, so I'd love to get some input. Somehow private messages are disabled for me?

Grey, I'm sorry, my H is not a jerk. He's a charming guy who is easily overwhelmed and prone to hyperfocus. That's how I can still want him. He comes from a family that tends to not "solve" problems so much as exist through them, with mixed results. He's existing through this problem in our marriage by running away from it and avoiding it at all costs, especially since I'm a bit of a bulldog and known for tackling problems rather aggressively. Definitely not the approach called for here and requiring a 180 to a gentler, more patient attitude.

With regards to the sex, he would absolutely complain that he wanted more -- but we have three young kids so between my feeling lonely and the demands the kids placed on us till within the last two years, it was not going to happen as much as he wanted. I can look at your thread but I don't know if I'll have much to offer.

I may be an over-poster, but when I'm out with friends, etc., I need my conversation to not be about H. But if I try to just keep it in, I explode. So I'll try to back things down here till I can detach a little further from where I'm at, but I hope you all will be patient and understand that I'm here so much to avoid spending too much time on my sitch in real life.

[Cadet]

Somehow private messages are disabled for me?

You and everyone else on this forum.

[GoatGal]

OK then.

Plan B.

Ask me anything and I'll answer.

After all, this is "anonymous" right?

I was diagnosed with ADD over ten years ago and it explained a LOT.

I know my H has it too, takes one to know one.

It's more common that people realize, and NO, we don't "outgrow it".
We learn to COPE.

One of my "issues" is hyperfocus/hyperthought.

Which explains all my rapid-fire responses on here. I can get "stuck".

I am SO appreciative of the fact that not one person said "Quit writing so much! You're giving us a collective headache!"

I have two speeds.
0 and 100

My mind, when it's "on" is at warp speed. That's if I'm interested and connected.

When it's "off". I am somewhere in a vat of Vaseline... everything is dull and slow-motion.

That's a start, anyway.

[Ben2010]

Only we don't have sex now. We have been married 8 months and now haven't had sex in 8 weeks. I know this sounds selfish, but I wish I had done something terrible like cheating on her or lying or being a slob JUST so I could understand why she stopped wanting to have sex-----we have a great physical connection...just not sex. Everything but sex. It breaks my heart. She had sex with lots of other guys before we met, now just not with me? So I keep reading stories about, well, jerks.

OK, maybe I'm over-generalizing your H as a jerk, but still, he was doing something anyone (including himself) knew was wrong. You fix it, take time, and get back to being wanted, only it sounds like you still want him. So I don't get it.

My wife dated jerks. Hell, she married one a long time ago. I'm not a jerk, but she doesn't want me. I'm not a goody-two-shoes either, but I'm dying, I don't know why getting a wedding ring turned me into a glorified roommate. I'm sorry---I know this probably isn't helping you, but I liked reading your story.

Have you read The 5 Love Languages yet?

[GoatGal]

Oh. And I decided to take meds. They helped A LOT. My H has decided that's not for him, and has chosen to power through it.

I'm not sure how well that's working for him. For me it was like putting on glasses to read. I CAN read without them, but it's so much harder than it needs to be.

Oh, and I also have mild (very mild) Asperger's.

Shoot. That cat is out of the bag now!

All this I have not mentioned on my own thread because I didn't want people making assumptions and saying "No wonder he left the woman."

My friends and people in my life can't see either diagnosis. That's because I have worked really hard to overcome it and learn what comes to others naturally.

So I come off really "regular" and with "good social skills" NOW, but you should have seen me as a kid.

Again, I don't want to use it as an "excuse" card.
No doubt it has played into my sitch, but in an odd way I think it makes me a better person.

Strong sense of right and wrong, and all that. Probably why I never cheated all those years. Because it's "wrong".

ADHD/ADD/Aspergers are all variations of the autistic spectrum, presented in different ways and to varying degrees. It wasn't a big stretch for me to finally accept the Asperger's diagnosis since it just connected to the ADD anyway...

But if baring my soul will help you, fire away. I'll answer anything.

[rayzzz]

What a courageous woman! Thanks for sharing your story. very inspiring. Knowing how to manage your mental health is huge and I know cause I have a soft bipolar disorder and am in recovery (meaning so well managed no one can tell....usually lol). Cat's out of the bag too. But I am a vice chairman of a key peer support agency in my province, and I am a facilitator for a mood disorder peer group, helping hundreds of folks rebuild their lives after being wrecked by anxiety, deppression etc....

Unfortunately my mood disorder had nothing to do with the collapse of my marriage (though 65% bipolar marriages end in divorce). It was me being lazy, not taking care of her, taking her for granted. But I am transforming and not giving up without a fight. Stress really triggers my mood disorder so I know racing thoughts and am 0 or mach 1. hate being a high flyer lol. But thanks to db I haveGALed it to learn new fun relaxing techniques as well (try Qigong!). There is alot of overlapp between ADD and bipolar with similar symptoms...being yappy and distracted is one I deal with too plus the added feature of deppression and my emotions amplified. I detached as a wellness strategy for myself long before WAW and am just so sad I now need to use it on my WAW now....
Meds help too and I have cranked them up while dealing with my sitch. Kudos to you for sharing and helping others like me here! Keep fighting Goatgal