Cw, my h did most of the things your saying, but in a negative way. He would bring coffee to me in bed and infer I was lazy if I stayed in bed. He shoulded all over me all of the time.
Poke prodded and corrected when I failed to met his standard, one that was so high he couldn't either. He blamed us for the failure not that his demands were to high. I felt set up to fail, hence I dropped the whole lot on the floor, but he was already having an ea, justified by I'm guessing not be pa untill I threw the whole lot out.
He hasn't looked back.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'll post anyways and let the beatings begin. I'm talking to you cadet :-)
When we finally started talking about problems at the beginning of S W said she stopped the physical because she didn't feel loved. And she need to feel the emotional to give the physical. I didn't understand exactly because I can have one or the other or both. She said I didn't show her I cared. What does that mean? Help. I'm going to give a list and I want to know is this not showing or am I just getting it all wrong. I loved W very much and there are thing a did from the very beginning right up to S that I did without thought but because it always felt right. D bring her coffee in bed and leave on the nightstand because I often left for work before she was up, I opened doors all doors any doors she always walked through fist In winter I set her car up for winter driving dusted off in the morning for her Did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen at night before going to bed because I knew she was tired from a day with the kids, there were back rubs, supporting her interests by volunteering to help at events, I held her had , complimented her, brought flowers, filled her wine glass,agonized over her Christmas gifts ( except once when I included a salad spinner in the foray. Became a bit of a joke. Let's say it was an epic fail) brought her blankets when she was cold unloaded the car when she got back from shopping, took time out of my day to run an errand for her. When we went shopping and she try on something I thought looked amazing my only response was that looks fantastic let's get it. When she went back to school I sat for hours and hours and listened to topics from class. I re and reread her papers , I asked her opinion. When we traveled together I drove a lot but she always sat beside me. Even when other couples were traveling with us and the guy would go for the front seat I'd stop him and say sorry bud. Only on person sits up front and you ain't it( that one sounds weird. She drove a lot of the time too this isn't a male dominate thing this is me saying that my W will never sit behind me)
These things aren't fiction. I did them not because I wanted a pat on the back. I did them because I loved her. And I thought that they would show her exactly that. I do these thing because I love you. But when we spoke she said she didn't feel loved. In that I'm lost. Thoughts, insight, anything. Help If small gestures are the halmark of love. Where did I fail?
Do you know what her love language is?
It sounds like yours is Acts of Service.
She probably does not hear that one.
So while all those things are nice she does not hear the love.
Actually I see this as good first steps in where you need to go.
So if you now know that it wasnt fine - what can you DO about that?
And not just words but ACTIONS.
Good question. It wasn't fine. But for me I was needed. I know that from her writings and her words and her actions that my W doesn't think I'm very intelligent. And to a certain extent she also had EA because she needed someone more on her academic level. So we both strayed for different reasons. How do I show someone that I can have value when you know that they think you're not very smart and mostly talk down to you? Some help please
Yes it does. Thank you. And yes my ll is acts of service it is what I could give her. She wouldn't engage me on other levels from the very beginning. And she definitely wasn't touch.
Read the five love languages. You weren't speaking her language.
My H cooked me dinner every night, planned trips, did a number of things to show he loved me, told me how he did these things to show me he loved me...and yet I felt unloved. I thought I was crazy, or being manipulated. How could I feel so unloved (and un-liked) if my H was doing all these loving things for me? And he felt the same way, even though I thought I did loving things.
Ggrass, My EA was short lived. W had gone into my phone saw the calls and confronted me I backed off after that although my co worker and I are still good friends.
I didn't do the things I did with any expectation. That I can say with a very clear mind. As cadet just pointed out my ll is touch and service ( btw are these bad things. Are they wrong). And I did them constantly and without any demand for acknowledgement. It's only through this forum that at least I can look back and think yes I did do something right
Lol Claire. We were definitely not speaking the same LL. Service and touch was never hers. I will read the 5 and maybe get some insight into what she needed.
There is no bad love language. Problems arise when you don't recognize them or communicate them in both directions. So if your LL for showing love is acts of service but your W's LL for receiving love is quality time then you may run into problems if you don't understand that about each other and bring it into balance.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yikes. I don't know her LL yet but quality time really rings tru. I'm constantly late and very forgetful( I relied on W throughout our marriage to be my memory) so if it is quality time boy am I an epic failure!
Not an epic failure. These things can be corrected. Epic failure is when you choose not to correct.
My H relied on my brain ALL THE TIME too and it was one of my bigger complaints in the M. There was no space for me to live my life because I always felt like I was living his for him.
Somewhere there is a chapter/book/article about new love and enduring love that describes how all those crazy intense feelings you had for your wife in the early days are essentially hormonal, and once you choose to make her your life partner your task is to morph from hormone crazy to nurturing and sustaining a deeper love. That's what's meant by "love is a choice." That's why affairs can be so exhilarating too.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
