Nice post Maybell. I think you expressed that well.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Maybell said: "It is an act of trust in the other spouse, making ourselves financially vulnerable on faith that we are working together to build a specific kind of life."
Exactly.
Being vulnerable to someone who isn't exactly putting us first or earning our trust is being stuck between a rock and hard place. I'm not saying you didn't consider her needs, only that she might not have FELT that's what you were doing.
Last edited by GoatGal; 06/08/1407:08 PM.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
For that I apologies. I am moving forward. I will read the suggested links. I won't lie. I still have anger. I'm sorry about that. My faith and trust is broken right now. Bug I will detach from her words. I will focus on myself and my corrections and my change, wait scratch that. I mean growth. You're right I cannot change the past. I can accept my part. And I do.
Maybell, Sorry I expressed myself incorrectly. The at home spouse is very much a job of great difficulty and not for the faint of heart. I agree completely. I think I was more indicating the the work part not the emotional part the trust part and the sacrifice part, was not any more demanding then other jobs. In fact the actual work becomes easier as the children age. The sacrifice emotionally and in other areas is huge. It's why I never considered my income as mine. I always viewed it as ours. Does that make more sense?
It's hard to say if I considered her needs. I never controlled the finances or "told" her how she should be a sahm. I did request that the house be kept cleaner and maybe that was wrong of me. I'm not sure. As the children aged and started school I supported her decisions to work part time and return to school.
But I don't think this is what you mean. Can you elaborate. I'm a little dense sometimes. Thanks
My H never "told" me what to do either. But he didn't always offer his opinion readily. I ended up making a lot of decisions because he was unable/unwilling for whatever reason. I am thinking about whether or not I created an atmosphere where he felt he couldn't voice his opinion safely.
(I'll get back to you on that. )
Of course your situation is your own and only you can speak to that.
But I ended up a stay-at-home farm wife (no kids, but lots of animals and it was a full-time job.) I was alone all the time, only the animals for company, and his job was stressful with a long commute.
I think he started to see me as having it "easy" because I got to stay home and did the things he enjoyed and would do for fun, while he had the stress of his job.
When I was gone and he had to do it alone, it was clear that it was not a walk in the park for me. I did the best I could, but then I developed some health issues which I now believe were related to stress between us that I didn't understand at the time.
Over time I became less and less able to do things around the house in the way he might have liked, or even what could be reasonably expected. I think I was depressed, and frankly, doing loads of laundry, shoveling manure, and cleaning the chicken coop all alone, day after day, with no one to talk to was getting to me.
I think it would have been a nice life, but for one thing. When he came home, he just didn't want to talk or connect with me at all. No dinner together, just checking in with him seemed like he was REALLY putting up with the ten minute ordeal. When we were together, it was like he was only partly there, anxious to move on to the next thing. Being with me was not enjoyable for him, and it showed. I see that now in hindsight.
On the weekends, when we did have time, he never made me a priority. He stopped taking me out years ago, never came to my last three gallery openings, last few music gigs... always with some excuse.
It took visiting an old college friend (NOT BOYFRIEND!!!) who treated me like a queen when he took me out to dinner, that reminded me of all the things my H had stopped doing completely.
Like you, my H was very "supportive". But that support was from a distance. He wasn't really engaged in that he provided for me very well, "gave" me everything I needed, and plenty that I wanted. He just wasn't comfortable giving of HIMSELF.
Does that make sense?
Again, you and my H have some similarities that I can see, but you're two different people and I don't know you.
But HE is hell-bent on divorcing ME because he has "fallen out of love" and is "not happy". He feels he has given me everything and I am not grateful enough. Or something like that.
My feeling is that his happiness has very little to do with me being an ungrateful wife who doesn't appreciate him.
I have always loved him. If not I would not be on this board. But I think I started to tune out and feel awful and just not care about making him happy anymore because he was so distant from me.
Being supportive of my efforts, allowing me my freedom to explore the world, financing my life--all that was great. But what would have made ME happy and made me WANT to do more of what he wanted, was if he had been vulnerable to me, spoken to me like a lover, been real and opened up with me.
To me, that's the whole point of a relationship.
The money, the house, the car... that's just "stuff".
I felt like I got the "stuff" but not the man.
Sorry if this seems rambling.. I'm just thinking out loud.
But if your wife is anything like me, you might want to give her a chance.
Maybe find out if there is something bothering her that can be repaired. You stated that you loved her.
Then fight for her.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
But HE is hell-bent on divorcing ME because he has "fallen out of love" and is "not happy". He feels he has given me everything and I am not grateful enough. Or something like that.
First off. I know what he was thinking. We did feel that our w's weren't grateful enough. For myself I'm starting to rethink my position. Did I expect her to be grateful??? I think I did. And if I was thinking that she should be grateful then what kind of partnership was that???? I think maybe I put an expectation on her. Maybe( ugh there's that word again where you really don't want to take responsibility) I wanted her to be grateful. You know. The " look at me I'm giving you a wonderful life now tell me I'm wonderful". That was me. I'm starting to think I should have said " what can I do for you?" And stopped right there. I read somewhere, don't ask me where please, that life is about service. Service to your spouse, children family friends and community. When I read it I thought " ya that sounds right. That makes me feel right" , but somewhere along my path I forgot. I became bitter.
Bitterness is a horrible feeling. It eats you slowly from the inside. I had forgotten during my m that giving freely without expectation us it's own reward. I used to love doing things for my w. She is a remarkable woman. I had such pride when she went back to school. And it gave me a feeling of deep satisfaction to know that I could help her achieve that. But I really lost my way. Maybe the bitterness stems a little from the fact that she followed her dreams and achieved them ( 4.0 student and she excels at what she does). I didn't pursue anything. I locked myself inside a job I hate. Convinced myself that I was making the ultimate sacrifice because it provided a good life for my family. And all the while I built a selfish envy towards w.
I became bitter resentful and mad. I did this. Not her. You h was wrong. I know this from personal experience. Don't hold onto his anger. You're allowed to let that go. You owe yourself that .
I see the a word pop up a lot. And I'm thinking some of you are thinking I might have gone that path. For the record. No. Never. I have several female friends and yes I turned to them for validation because they engaged me and sought my opinion In one way I guess this is an A. An emotional one. I'm not sure how this forum views the A. If physical and emotional are on equal footing then I would say then yes I was guilty.
Do I offer an explanation? Or is it enough to own my part.
)