It's incredibly stupid the things I have hung on to. The things I placed value on during my m. The things I regarded as important. I didn't communicate well with w during our marriage. I rarely voiced my needs but instead stuffed everything into my little internal box, let it fester and build. I thought I was being the " bigger person" for letting things slide. Idiot. But on the other side there were things I voiced as important to me. She ignored them. How do we correct this in ourselves??? I understand I need to take responsibility for what I didn't say but how do I take responsibility for the things I did say but were never heard?
So at the risk of being smacked by the long term bd'ers I will give a couple of examples. How should I have addressed them .....thoughts,
My w was a sahm. But our home was always a huge mess. More like a frat house then a home. This wasn't just the case while kids were in diapers but the norm even to today. I told her repeatedly that coming home to a clean house made me feel good. It was important to me. Her response was always "you want it clean then clean it. I'm not that type of person." It felt to me that she didn't value my efforts to provide her and the kids with a nice home and nice things. I felt like I was taken for granted
When my w started working part jobs I asked that she have her pay deposited into our joint account. My pay had always been deposited into the joint account and she was free to use it as she felt needed. I never gave her x amount of money. My mother had told me once that she hated asking my father for money. It made her feel like she wasn't a valued part of the marriage. Or an equal part. I placed as much value on my w for being a sahw as I did myself as the income winner. To that end I never wanted her to ask me for money. I felt the money wasn't mine but ours. So when she started working as the kids were older I asked that she put her pay in the account with mine. She never did, never would tell me how much she made our where her money went. Still doesn't today.
And finally she would withdraw support. If we disagreed on a decision she would argue with me. Most times until I simply gave in but when I was firm on my position she would end the argument the same way " fine do it your way but don't expect me to help you when it fails!"
Help me out her. Am I being a childish little man for feeling hurt by these actions. Was I wrong to make the requests? How do I take ownership?
I have a hunch that you know the answer to the above questions. I can tell you that I did the same as you CW. I did not communicate my needs well instead i kept quiet became resentful and later got angry. They are very passive/aggressive behaviors. Those behaviors will destroy a marriage.
If you wanted the house clean they way you thought it should have been clean...How come you didnt clean it yourself? May be in the eyes of your W the house was clean? There are always different perceptions to things. Keep posting u doing good
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Lol. Actually I did clean it myself. Many many times. And yes there are different perceptions. But I don't think that was really the question I was asking. During our m my w made many many request of me. Things she wanted or need. If she said "this is important to me" I pretty much did what she asked. If it was important to her then it was important to me. I don't think she would argue that if she was here. How did a fail in communicating that something was important to me? Even when I presented in black and white
As a side note I'm curious why everyone is sensitive about the stay at home parent. It's a job. Not an easy one. I know that. I value it. It's part of the m. In our case 50% since we were a single income family. I'm not sure why having and expectation of that job is wrong. My w certainly had an expectation of me as the income provider. She said as much. Was I wrong to also have an expectation of her? I have a job that unfortunately I don't like but it pays very well. It's also straight juice( that's commission for those who don't know). There is a certain amount of pressure in a commissioned job and knowing that you are the single income for your family. I've done it for 17 years because I wanted my w and kids to have the best I could provide. She was very capable of keeping a better house. But as she told me many times she just didn't want to, it wasn't important to her. I think that hurt me a lot. Not so much the house but knowing that something that was important to me wasn't worth the effort to her.
Rick So here are my answers and let me know your thoughts. 1-yup I'll take the childish little man - acknowledged examined and owned 2- I don't think I was wrong in asking 3- I have no idea how to own number two
I've been using a lot of examples in my post. Most of the response have been " my aren't you a petty little man". I'm truly not using them to detract from my w. But I don't know how else to convey why my feelings are there. Should I stop using examples? How do I proceed in a forum like this. I guess I'm not the norm in here as I am the one leaving. Is it wrong to want to feel valued in an m?? Is it wrong to ask things of your partner you spouse? Clearly most of the responses seem to indicate I'm the one who should change. Why is change only expected on one side? Thoughts please!!!
Have you read DR? If so, reread it. There are answers to your questions. And the 5LL might help too. My H used to tell me about all the things he did to show me he loved me. And yet I felt unloved. We were both right. .. just speaking different languages.
Ok hope. I'm good with that. I accept. So I work on me. But how does that save a marriage? If only one person is working on themselves? When does the work become "us".
If she doesn't want to work on the M, nothing you say will change that. But if you show her, through genuine change and actions that you are capable of change...and if you become the spouse that only a fool would leave... then she might decide that she wants to work on the M. And only then can you talk about "us" work.
Right now you have a few options: 1) give up on this M. Get a D. (Btw.. your relationship issues will resurface in your next relationship unless you do the work on yourself.)
2) work on yourself, stay committed to this R. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But the priority is for you to work on becoming the best YOU that you can. That way, even if this M doesn't work out, you will be in a better place for your next R.
