I think many of us are here because we believe that if we choose to love someone (as a verb, something you choose to do or not), that will help us more easily *feel* that emotion towards someone.
Love is a choice. It becomes an emotion when you choose to consistently, over time, behave lovingly, even in the absence of an unconsciously motivating emotion. It becomes less conscious when the efforts are made AND RECOGNIZED mutually.
I know this for certain because although I am currently the LBS, several years ago I was emotionally a WAW who wasn't actually in a position to walk away. I absolutely would have if I could. Fantasized about it constantly over several months. Ultimately I faced the reality that I was going to have to make my own situation better. My H had very little clue what I was thinking.
It was NOT easy to recover from my feelings then and most likely what I'm suffering now is some of the fallout from that period. My H is a very withdrawn guy with some issues of his own that are only recently coming to light and I was ashamed to admit to him how done I had felt, or to do much to include him in my recovery. Truly, I think I didn't even realize how incomplete my recovery was until I learned about his A.
What you've been describing sounds a lot like you and your W have been speaking foreign languages to one another for many years, and eventually gave up even trying. No person can be as selfish and demanding and manipulative as you've described your W. I've met lots of people who were truly difficult, and even they had redeeming qualities that kept them from being as dark as you've written your W.
I like the exercise you were challenged to do above. I hope you'll share it here. Read Five Love Languages and see if anything resonates. Trust that love CAN be a choice before you can feel it. Emotions are verbs -- action words.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What you've been describing sounds a lot like you and your W have been speaking foreign languages to one another for many years, and eventually gave up even trying. No person can be as selfish and demanding and manipulative as you've described your W. I've met lots of people who were truly difficult, and even they had redeeming qualities that kept them from being as dark as you've written your W.
She isn't maybell, As I said I started off rough and angry. I'm slowing down to think. I can only claim my responsibilities in the m failing. And I have many. But you are right or at least it's a line to explore that we spoke different languages. Thank you
Claire, I understand now what you are saying. Maybe I'm not choosing to love her anymore. Ok let's scratch the maybe since I am not owning my actions. I have not chosen to love her and I am finding it difficult to change that
Claire, I understand now what you are saying. Maybe I'm not choosing to love her anymore. Ok let's scratch the maybe since I am not owning my actions. I have not chosen to love her and I am finding it difficult to change that
I feel like this is what DBing is all about... one person CAN change the dynamic. If I had read about these strategies, or learned some tools (like 5LL), before my H decided to walk out on me, he and I might have been in a very different place now.
You can't force your W to change or own her part. But you can change YOU. And in changing YOU, you can change everything.
I would give a lot for my H to be able to hear the advice and insight you are getting here. (I made the mistake of trying to tell him these things myself, before I read DR.) But it is what it is.
Thanks Claire. I'm here a lot today do to an injury so I'm lounging and recovering. It's incredible how mad I have been. As I move forward through here I will work hard at owning my actions ( already been slapped a few times). I am the one leaving. And in my gut is a huge hole. But I can't find a sense of balance to start loving her again. Not now.
Spent the day reviewing my last 20 years. Crap that's hard. It's hard to stop thinking about all the pain the other person caused, stepping back and saying "this is not the problem" the problem that I can address is me and boy oh boy did I bring a lot of problems.
I valued my w's opinion of me so much. More then I valued my own. The last trigger was reading words she had written about me over 19 months. Reading that she saw me as weak. It made me angry. I spoke to a friend last night about it. Those words had sent me to a very dark place on Friday night. He said this might hurt a bit but I need to know, " are you hurt because she wrote those words or are you hurt because you think they may be true?" It was a slap across my face. I didn't know or have an answer. Still don't
