I don't know you rick so it's hard to say why your w fell out of love. I only can say that for me when there is no trust compassion empathy respect then love is very difficult to maintain. My w calls herself a strong woman. When you put labels on things it becomes easy to justify behavior. She would say I do this or that because I'm a strong woman. Sorry if you don't like it. There was no ability or room for anything in her but her.
Ggrass, I'm the one leaving because I couldn't stay. W says she loved with everything and maybe for her it was. I don't know anymore. I'm hollow. I just got to the end of my rope and lost faith. She thought I had affairs, I didn't. She said I was cold and distant, maybe, but truthfully I think that was the result of years of being pushed away.
Lets not worry about her - you can only CONTROL YOU and FIX yourself.
These are all great questions. Problem is how do you answer without looking like a victim. I don't want to be a victim. I'm not looking for sympathy but every time I write it reads that way. So I'm struggling to put emotions to words. I hope you can understand. I'm hollow because for years the m was about her. Not being harsh or loading her with the responsibility of the break down in the m. I think she would probably agree. On my side I didn't know how to ask? To ask to be a part of the m. I come from a family of six. Everyone had a role. Mine was to smile and nod and say no no it's ok I don't mind. ( ya sounds victemish but try to understand a little). As I grew up I never learned to leave that role behind. I need to fix issues and problems and people but I never learned to put myself first. When I did I felt guilty and developed a coping habit of lying because I didn't know how to say this is what I want.
Your role was to play along to get along. And you know that you lie to avoid and look better.
This is HUGE in a marriage. This is also an insight that needs reconditioning and lots of work.
I believe every marriage can be saved , as long as there is no abuse.
Your marriage really doesn't sound all that unusual. Matter of fact, typical in many ways. What I am hearing is that you no longer want to try... it is just too hard!
I call B.S. on that. NOTHING in life is easy and yes marriage and lasting love takes WORK ! You are angry at yourself and projecting all that resentment and anger onto your wife.
Rather than blame her for what you're feeling , you need to own your BIG part in this. You own half of it. She owns half of it.
Again...WHY are you HERE if you don't want to save your marriage?
I don't think you are done! I think you want sympathy and a place to dump... this is NOT that place.
There is a difference when the LBS dumps and vents... why? Because they are working on themselves and trying to work on their marriages.
You sir , are living in the past. Because you chose to take your birth family role into your marriage, it is not the responsibility of your spouse to change you. You have to change yourself. If you allowed the marriage to be about her, YOU allowed it.
Marriage is about the two of you together. When in an argument or making financial decisions, the best question is : " Is this good for us? Is this good for our marriage?
I believe reading " Love Busters " and reflecting on what YOU contributed to the problem is a great place to start. Another awesome book is " Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus "
The last book is great to see the other side, and hear what people are really saying. It allows us to see how we start arguments, and also how to approach conflict in a loving manner.
YOU sir have a choice. Love is a choice and hormones and chemicals.
So I ask again, WHY HERE? If you just want out... then find a I want out of my marriage divorce site.
Or start over with a beginners mind. Put the past behind you and work on the present.
And yes, just because you didn't sit around and say " whoa is me " doesn't mean you don't have a victim mentality. You make excuses for yourself, and you don't have the same empathy for your wife. The one you vowed to stick with " ...for better and for WORSE. ". Obviously you see it as worse ,presently. You have the opportunity to change that.
You have the opportunity to work on YOU and make yourself into the best person you can be.
So what's it going to be? Run away from your problems and the marriage issues , half of which are yours. Or are you going to be an adult, face the challenges head on and work?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Sorry ambivelant. I think the last few post are me saying I take a huge responsibility for what's happened Why am I here? Why is anyone here. Yes I stated I was fine with going forward with divorce. But does that mean I can't continue to look and examine. I had hope right up until recently. But I'm asking if you lose that feeling of love can it come back? You said to work on the marriage. Obviously we both tried but we hadn't really identified the problem. By the time we did I felt empty. Are you telling me I'm not allowed? Through ic I have identified many of my own issues . I know the things I have done and am working to correct. I guess I was hoping that in here someone would say ya I fell out of love. I lost the hope and feelings and here are some things I did to correct that. I guess not
