Great meeting today with my IC who was our MC and has a lot of insight into H's ADHD. I invariably feel better able to cope after I meet with him. Really dreading my attorney visit in the morning but I'm as prepared as I can be and I know I'm doing the right thing, so that's something. I'll see my H this weekend. Unclear how that will go. I think he's as apprehensive about the attorney visit as I am -- possibly more so since I have done my research and know what my intentions are.
It's a dark tunnel I'm journeying through at the moment and I look forward to coming to the end of it. There's a long, long way to go, though, and I don't know where it's leading. God grant me grace to travel it in strength and kindness and gratitude.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Grrr... Just backslid big after doing well for a while. FRUSTRATED. Don't want to be here. Don't want to have retained a lawyer to draft a separation agreement. HATE that my best friend of 18 years, four states, eight homes, the father of my three children is in such a stupid place right now. However frustrated he may have been with me the business of my life has been to smooth his path and he didn't even give us a chance.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What do you know... Pointing out that he wasn't pulling his weight on maintaining a friendly relationship (while specifically excluding the marriage relationship) seems not to have been a cheeseless tunnel after all. Who'da thunk?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
What do you know... Pointing out that he wasn't pulling his weight on maintaining a friendly relationship (while specifically excluding the marriage relationship) seems not to have been a cheeseless tunnel after all. Who'da thunk?
hey Maybell, just caught up on your situation. Seems like you are doing as well as could be expected in the current situation.
You seem very strong and have adopted the DB concepts quickly for the most part. At least a lot quicker than I did......
Can you say a bit about what you were thinking or what was going when you posted the comments above?
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
In our last MC session when things had gone so far downhill really quickly, the MC commented that it seemed that we had had a really strong friendship and a close connection throughout even though H's romantic feelings for me seemed to have died and would not be recovered. MC commented that even if we never recovered the M he was certain that we would be friends again. H has commented a number of times how important my friendship & respect is to him and since he is so uninterested in repairing the M relationship I figured I would start with the friendship, since that's the part I care most about anyway (and it's inconceivable to me that a truly close friendship between him & me would not ultimately lead to reconciliation).
Since he was on board with that I said it was time to stop looking backwards and to just reconnect as friends as best we could for going forward. The trouble is that he has been so busy apologizing for the way things have been going in the M -- the separation, the affair, his travel, etc. -- that he can hardly talk to me and avoids interacting as much as he can get away with. This is also a part of why our marriage failed (not that I had nothing to do with that, but it's harder to correct problems when you aren't aware of what they are).
So yesterday I told him that it was not possible for us to build a friendly relationship, which is truly necessary for co-parenting, if he kept avoiding me and not engaging. This wasn't a terrible thing to say, but I didn't say it very nicely at all. (I did eventually backtrack and add some validating statements to it, but initially I was pretty much of a B) I really miss him a lot, I think he's behaving foolishly, and I'm frustrated about some of his other choices that are going to impact us badly. And he has said he's open to reconciling but isn't ready to go there at this time.
He had to go back into meetings after I confronted him about that but several hours later reached out on his own to let me know that I was right and that he was sorry for that and that he would try to do better.
And today he booked an earlier train back into town. Like, by three hours earlier.
So although I could have handled that interaction better, it seems that he needed to be reminded about how ineffective avoiding a problem is, and he actually was willing to hear me. He also thanked me for being patient and understanding. So although it wasn't entirely the interaction I wanted, he did initiate it, and he did use kind of a lot of words which is a big deal for him, so it wasn't a totally cheeseless tunnel after all.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
BTW, SemperFi, don't think I grasped the DB concepts quickly. I did EVERYTHING wrong for 7-8 months. Buying DR and joining the forum were pretty much the last ditch changes I made AFTER the separation was a done deal. And even after I started all that he still has been chasing OW. If I'd had these resources sooner I might have been able to avoid part of the train wreck. So don't beat yourself up too much, we do the best we can with who we are and what we've got.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
