I know how you feel - not knowing if you are helping or hurting. The barrier they put up to make simple communication so strained. Easy questions like "Are you going to golf dinner?" become maddening.
Hang in there. Focus on yourself and your kids as you have been
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thank you heather and Bk. Your support really helps and helps keep me from spinning. So as I said I will take it day by day. We are going to the golf dinner. We should leave soon. I know he is nervous. His BFF ( husband of my BFF) is going to come to the dinner but later so he doesn't have his buddy to walk in with. He also said on the phone to someone that he might meet them later ( and didn't say he was going to the dinner) so I guess he needs to feel he has a way out. That's ok. Let's see how it all goes!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I am leaving tonight to go see my mom. I have left h with the kids. He will bring them in about a week. Then I have to travel for 6 days for a work shop so he will stay with them at my moms.
He has been staying at the house since he came (last Wednesday) We both have been busy but we would have a drink or two together before our other plans kicked in. He would go out late sometimes and still come back to the house.
Our 13 yr anniversary was Saturday. While we did not celebrate- we did mark it with a drink and agreed that maybe 13 could be a good number. I also left him a card telling him that while the journey has been so very hard , for me it has been worth it because at that moment I was filled with joy for my kids and my family and my life right now and that included him. I didn't say I love you and I didn't say happy anniversary in the card. But it was authentic and I wrote it with love. He thanked me for it.
Our chats are becoming more two way and a little more honest. Not much - but I notice it. I felt very empowered at times to be more honest in my strength - I actually said at one point not to mistake my kindness, and my open door as weakness or fear.
I do realise I can be awkward around him though. I get overwhelmed with panic or emotion for moments and then it passes. He makes no promises, but is around more and did go to the golf dinner with me. And did spend two evenings with me at home before he went out. It's not huge but for him I think it is.
I panic about messing up. About rushing or pushing or nagging. Then I realise I am in control of all of that. I want to see him physically attracted to me again- but realise that him staying in the house is a huge step itself. ( over the past 4 years when I needed him to stay with the kids, he would stay elsewhere and only move in as I was on the way to the airport).
I panic because I think he is only motivated by the kids (which is a great motivation because it means he becomes a better father) but not motivated as a husband.
I know I have to be super careful. He is watching , I know that.
But I feel so proud of where I am now. I realised no one can ever take that away from me. I felt proud that my kids know that I am there, stable, happy, keeping hope in their little hearts and not letting bitterness or angry eat me up and turn me into a depressed and hopeless parent.
This is because of you. Of the place- of all you people. What a blessing it has been and is to walk among you and stand tall.
and so I keep going...
Last edited by bustingout; 05/26/1405:16 PM.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, you should be proud of yourself, no doubt about that. This site is definitely a big help. I think you should give more credit to yourself though. You have come a long way. Your kids are lucky to have you.
I understand the anxiety part. I think that you would not have any anxiety only of you would be completely done standing and if you actually would be disgusted by your H. I think anxiety is normal when someone was a big part of your life, regardless if you have any feelings for them or not.
Remember, the LBS are the last in line when MLC goes through reconnection process. It is great that your H is doing better with the kids. You just have to be patient when it comes to expecting more than he can do now. I see lots of positive signs. Keep going…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you Bright. I agree that there would be less anxiety if H actually disgusted me. And thank you for your continued words of support. I know there is not much to say to my posts because its been SLOW in real time. lol. THE MLC clock is different than ours...
Sometimes I think it would have been 'easier' to be disgusted, hateful and angry towards him but then I know that I would have become an angry, hateful and disgusting human being myself. I would have radiating those characteristics in all of my relationships and in myself.
This path is 'harder' but I would not change it for anything.
I have a question. Quick recap: as you know, H has been 'better' for lack of a better word. Communication is still getting easier between us and there is talk of a possible future where we are all together as a family. He is not as dismissive as me like in the past years, he is kinder, but its almost without emotion still. Like the kindness you would show a far relative or a neighbor.
I remain myself. I am happy with my life, I am making my own plans, decisions, as much as possible I am living in the now, and I continue to practice and utilise my new-learned skills that I have learned over the past couple of years. I am kind to him, upbeat, etc etc.
However....
Without provocation from him. I feel more and more resentment about the past that I thought I had dealt with and let go of. I feel like I have moved forward, I feel so strong and rid of the past. Yet more and more, I find myself having flashes of memories of things he said in the last, the lies, the OW, the hurt. And I get angry.
I quickly work through it and find my center again. But why is this happening? I feel like I am almost sabotaging any small progress. H has not apologized for anything. Neither to me or the kids. He has not acknowledged the pain or hurt. I don't expect it, however I wonder if I can authentically try and build something with him, without it.
Would it and does it matter if he does? If i have moved on from the past. If his actions prove feelings that he does not know how to express...does it matter?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I quickly work through it and find my center again. But why is this happening? I feel like I am almost sabotaging any small progress. H has not apologized for anything. Neither to me or the kids. He has not acknowledged the pain or hurt. I don't expect it, however I wonder if I can authentically try and build something with him, without it.
Would it and does it matter if he does? If i have moved on from the past. If his actions prove feelings that he does not know how to express...does it matter?
Although you say "I don't expect it,"
I wonder if you do. Why are you angry?
Quote:
Without provocation from him. I feel more and more resentment about the past that I thought I had dealt with and let go of. I feel like I have moved forward, I feel so strong and rid of the past. Yet more and more, I find myself having flashes of memories of things he said in the last, the lies, the OW, the hurt. And I get angry.
I can tell you that he is not at that point yet.
Maybe someday in the future but not now.
Sorry I have been MIA but been pretty busy myself. You are making progress Busting I can see it.
If you look hard then you can too.
Keep moving forward and know that you are going to be fine.
Busting, I'm sorry you are having some down time. Your h may not apologize for a while because he's not at that stage right now. Some will apologize midway thru the crisis, and it's done in a very off handed way, i.e., doesn't sound sincere. Some don't apologize at all and want to sweep everything under the carpet and continue moving forward. It's very frustrating for you and all of the people who are going through the crisis uninvited.
What you are going through, i.e., resentment is very normal because you are still in mourning over the loss of your old marriage. You'll have days whereby you go back and forth and have flashes of the old life and then remember what is going on now. Feel the anger, let it out here or do some physical work, like exercise, boxing or beating a pillow until the stuffing come out...but get it out. You do not want it to fester and erupt at an inappropriate time. The anger will help move you forward when the time is right.
Hang in there and continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Cadet- I have missed you. I do hope that you being busy has been a positive in your life. No apologies needed.
Maybe I should say I would like an apology - especially if things move forward together. I suppose it would validate the process from his end and help my healing if he were to re-enter my life..? Without one- I can still move forward live my life etc etc yet can't see how I could really share it with him authentically if he doesn't feel a need to apologize? Or am I looking at this wrong?
I suppose it doesn't matter for my own progress. I think part of the anger is this:
Years ago - after the affair started but before I found DB- I was snooping through H's phone and found text message to OW apologizing to her for all of the hurt and pain he has caused her. That perhaps has not left me yet. How could he apologize to her and not see the pain and hurt he caused to me and the kids?
You are right Cadet. He is not ready.
Thank you for your encouragement and support. You help build my strength and confidence. Everything is going to be alright :-)
((((((Cadet )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting , my h can easily say I'm sorry, but does nothing to change his behavior. He even went as far to say to me that he has hurt many. I asked h, who is many? Who you have hurt is me and the kids. He wants to group ow with us? sorry, but a stupid A does not match 20+ years. I am getting stronger busting. I am coming to realization. I am untangling. Everything will be alright!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I have been thinking about what you said all day... About still mourning the loss of my old marriage. I hadn't thought about it like that before. I thought I was done mourning. It makes sense though. I am mourning what was.
When does it end though? I can't imagine his never beig a part of me. I can't imagine never missing what we had or being reminded of him at certain times. I just want to continue moving forward and it feels like he won't go away. I need to be careful what I wish for. I would like him to join me and the kids, yet this current state of him being around but no full there... It really is hard for me. It almost hurts more. Does that make sense? It's like he keeps dragging the past four years with him whereever we go, it's there.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
