Forgiven lazy husband - reconcilliation possible?

[Wonka]

Ray,

Hey if you are in LRT and WAW starts warmin up to you do you talk about relationship now (trying to avoid our separation in 3 weeks) or still be a little coy? Thanks

Nope. Zip it. Listen to W and validate when appropriate.

If and when W does start to warm up, keep things light and breezy. You don't wanna get into heavy subjects and scare her off, right?

[rayzzz]

Thanks Wonka. I am usually talkative so my 180 has me speaking in three word sentences for the past week (try something different)
So yeah I will restrain myself and validate & be breezy.

[sandi2]

my wife always complained I never shared this passion of hers so I am now gonna see what all the fuss is about (know its theraputic). I am planning on growing her some flowers and giving them to her when the R gets better...and thats gonna take a long time.

Ray, getting a life is for you. Don't make it about her. You are totally focused on her in the above example of what you want as GAL. I can promise you one thing, you will not get any brownie points with her. In fact, she is going to be PO that you chose to get involved in gardening now.

Isn't there something you would like to do that you've not done in a long time? Get a hobby that you're interested in, before spending a lot of money of something that is not your passion. And....gardening is expensive and hard work. This is something your W wanted the two of you to share back when things were not on the brink of D. This will only provoke her.

And about the W warming up to you....no it is not a green light to to start talking about the R, or to make a move, or to think things are getting better. I couldn't even smile at my H without him thinking, "Yes! We're reconciled!"

If she warms up, just give her time b/c it will change again.

[rayzzz]

saw the power position Amy Cuddy Ted Talk. great applicable stuff. thanks!

[rayzzz]

Thanks Sandi. Never thought of that with the flowers. makes sense it is another "look at me, look at me..I'm winning you back" pursuing no no.
She texted me a few times and even a photo of her nature walk "I needed to take a stress day (because of our painful sitch WAW said...obviously)..its such a hard time for me..." exactly like the WAW script right Sandi? Wanting me to support her in this? yeah right. I did respond with only "K" "see ya later" which must have thrown her off as I am quite words (as you can tell :P )
Tomorrow we share with inLaws so I am self managing my stress levels now and putting together a post "look after me" plan so I only lose it when I am by myself away from that conversation.

Today I feel like crying and almost dying...its just so hard this love that won't let go of my heart...like its stretching itself thin so I can't breath some days..like today.
Well I am going to throw myself into homeschooling my daughter (last month yay!) and then get out in the sun with kiddies.
GAL? well I used to write creative fiction at Univ but its been years since I have done anything like that so I am going to get my mind working on that after a 12 year absence. Puls ultimate frisbee & qigong which i just GALed for the first time last week. SO glad for the support here just helps this aching heart heal a bit faster and take some shallow breaths....gonna make it

[Wonka]

Ray,

She texted me a few times and even a photo of her nature walk "I needed to take a stress day (because of our painful sitch WAW said...obviously)..its such a hard time for me..." exactly like the WAW script right Sandi? Wanting me to support her in this? yeah right. I did respond with only "K" "see ya later" which must have thrown her off as I am quite words (as you can tell :P )

A good validation is mirroring back what they say...for example, "I am sure this is a hard time for you...I am glad you're out for a walk. Good for you!"

No injecting yourself in the process or injecting your thoughts. Just neutral. See? That is what validation is all about.

Tomorrow we share with inLaws so I am self managing my stress levels now and putting together a post "look after me" plan so I only lose it when I am by myself away from that conversation.

What are your thoughts? What do you plan to say to the ILs? You need to think this one out before you meet with them.

How do you plan to get yourself centered before the meeting?

[rayzzz]

Thanks Wonka. That validation would have been pure Genius. will try this again.
Was gonna ask you DBers...I planned on just being quiet and letting her speak and interjecting "This is not what I want" only if asked. DIdnt want to appear combative or trying to triangle against WAW. would get whole family reactive for sure.

I wondered; should I just be quiet and empathetic without crying or a little upbeat?...naw upbeat means i am happy this is going through.

Gonna meditate, pray and say in mantra "This is how she feels now, but this isnt over yet....believe nothing and half of what she says..." do i validate in front of parents or does that look like i am agreeing "your D has had to put up with alot" and add "but i am changing?" needy?

[sandi2]

I think you have dreaded telling the parents for so long it almost has you in panick mode. Maybe you should not worry what you'll say. She needs to tell them in front of you. If she makes it sound as if it's what both of you want, or that both of you have agreed, then you need to tell them it isn't what you want, etc. I don't think you should leave with them thinking you are supporting the idea of D.

Stop worrying about what kind of emotion to show or not show. Be yourself and be truthful. It is a sad occasion.

[ItHurts]

Shoot! I think I backslid myself then. When I replied to one of my WAW's emails in reference to her telling me how her anxiety is horrible, how she'd been crying, trying to figure out how to be and who she is...I replied with "I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now, I am as well as you can imagine, it's just something we have to get through together, our last challenge together to overcome."

Now after reading about validation, I am thinking I should've just said..."I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now, it's a challenge." Did I mess up big time here with what I wrote?

[sandi2]

No you didn't.