I'm not sure what happened to me today. Yesterday I was great. Today I'm a wreck. I just want to wake up and find this was all imaginary. I hate that I'm here. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. Where did he go???
Thanks for your support.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Me too guys...it's a rough day today. I think it's because it's Sunday and we start another week without them...that's all I think it is. We just need to to keep PMA and welcome another week of bettering ourselves...after all, by now most of us have been alone longer than 1 week so we have a blueprint to follow now. Time passing is our friend, not our enemy in our cases, so that's how I try and look at it.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Maybell - Don't beat yourself up over a bad day. Try to remember that the process isn't linear. I'll feel really great for up to a couple of weeks at a time. Then, I'll have a day where I feel like I'm going to cry if somebody asks me how I'm doing. I think (hope) that the good periods will continue to get longer so the days on which I feel like a wreck come less often.
So lucky -- some friends invited us over for dinner and it was a great evening, especially for S8 who was thrilled to spend the evening with an astronomy PhD.
Tomorrow is a new day. Hugs to all you lovely people.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
How awesome for your S8! My D7 was so excited when she found out that my boss majored in aeronautical engineering. She thought it was the coolest thing ever and loved hanging out at my office to talk to him.
"Tomorrow is a new day" has become my mantra over the past several months.
Today I'm assembling documents to take to my first attorney appointment. Feeling AWFUL, angry with him for bailing on a half day with the kids, angry that we are in this place rather than dealing with it like we care about each other, angry that we couldn't have dealt with it before it came to this (some of that anger is self-directed). Uncertain about his feelings, because he has been so reluctant to talk about lawyers, etc., and then aggravated because waiting around for him to take care of the relationship is part of how we got here.
And then at the bottom of all of it is a horrible deep sadness, because I care about him and miss him, and I miss the good guy hiding inside the crazy selfish lost person who is making all these hurtful decisions. And I don't want to be divorced from him.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Last night S8 couldn't sleep because he was crying for missing his dad. So I had him send a text video. He got a reply a few minutes later and went to bed slightly less miserable. H texted me a little while later asking what he could do to help with these things and I said "send him messages before he gets so miserable that he's crying."
He said ok and I said that everyone here was ragged from the last two months. He said "I'm tired. I can only imagine how hard it's been for them. And you. I'm sorry. I feel bad that I've created so much pain and hardship for everybody." I said "I'm sad that all this has felt like your best option." He said "I don't know what to say to that. I'm sorry that it seems that way. There don't seem like any good options right now."
I changed the subject to a book he had bought on our joint kindle account. It's called "This is How We Say Goodbye" and it's about a guy whose wife cheated on him and then told him she was pregnant right before his father dies and he has to go sit shiva with his dysfunctional family for seven days. My H told me not to read too much into the title of the book and then was too embarrassed to talk about it because of the cheating part. So there was that light conversation down the tubes. We said good night at that point. (He really is very tired after way too much international travel; this would be a really tough time for us even if we were happily married).
This morning S6 woke up with a tension headache so I texted H and asked him to FaceTime the little guy to see if that would help. After the call I just missed him a ton. I texted him "Are you in the middle of anything?" and while I waited for his reply realized that asking him if he still values my friendship would be pursuing so when he answered I said Never mind, sorry. He pursued it a little bit and then said "I'll be here if you need me. Was just getting into the office before."
I don't know how to proceed. It's hard to DB and act cheerful when my children are struggling so badly. He would never believe it anyway. I have always been capable with all his travel and there is no 180 I can do in that area that would be a positive change for him to see or me to feel, because his career has demanded that I manage everything except the money (and our financial problems a few years ago meant that I took some of that over and he lost even more authority in our household).
I'm starting to feel like his Love Language for giving love is acts of service, and the difficulty is that he's home so little to give acts of service. And I'm competent enough that there doesn't seem to be a lot of space for him here. And his love language for receiving love is physical touch, but of course that's off limits right now. My 180s have been responding with more patience to the kids and to him, and responding to things that frustrate me more slowly, to not nag or pursue him, and to place the boundary on our friendship while he's in contact with OW. I guess reaching out to him to help me with the kids when they are upset has been kind of a 180, in that I never tried to demand that from him before... But it's never been needed like it has been lately.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
