Yes, I definitely have some accountability for the failure of the marriage prior to the A.
In the couple of years leading up to the A, we had a financial crisis of sorts that led to us selling our house and moving into a TINY rental. It took six months to sell the house and the actual sale was kind of nightmarish. The rental house was VERY small and a little bit humiliating for a guy who is doing very well in his job and also who needs a certain amount of "cave" time to feel refreshed. He definitely felt VERY stressed during that time between work and home and there was very little I could do to alleviate that; nor did I get much opportunity to; nor did *I* handle those changes well during that time. I had tried to talk to him about feeling like we needed to do more to tend to our relationship but it was a bad time for both of us and neither of us did a good job of communicating AT ALL. Additionally, H insisted throughout that it was all fine, and though it clearly wasn't, there's not a lot you can do when he won't engage and I'm just frantically rushing around trying to make everything comfortable for everyone but myself. It was a very troubled time that only ended when we made a cross-country move back to the East Coast. Unfortunately, during the transition while I was still out west and he was here is when the affair started.
When he confessed the A (15 minutes before I received an email from OW's baby daddy detailing it), part of the confession was a request that we get straight into counseling. So my thought was, great, we can finally get all this straightened out and get on a good footing again. Then the lying started and he resumed contact with OW. My anger with him is ENTIRELY with his behavior following my finding out about A. How he came to be in an affair... that, I'm sorry to say, I get. And although I never had an affair, I do know what it feels like to be so disillusioned with the marriage. We have done, and are capable of doing, a lot better.
Of course, my behavior following the confession was ENTIRELY exemplary. Not. So I do have that regret as well, though in my defense I didn't know any better. For what that's worth.
That said, Thornton is right. I wait fifteen minutes and miss him like crazy and am totally willing to forgive him. Which kind of scares me, I don't want to expose myself or the kids to this kind of hurt again.
Yes, backing off seems to be making an impact. He's traveling internationally for the next three weeks and then I take the kids on our annual family vacation without him, so I have a month when it will be pretty easy to stay quite dim.
Thanks for the reminder to believe none of what he says. My friends and family have come out of the woodwork reminding me of all the ways in which we had a really enviable relationship not that long ago, but still, it's hard to hear.
Appreciate you all!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You have some time to DB and that year is a blessing for you in MD. I know. All the crazy stuff is just part of everybody's own issues, whatever they are at the given moment. Go dark for a month and limit any talk about kids. Give him time to think, think and then think. Maybe it won't work, but at least you know you're doing the DBing. Talk with a DBing coach.
Our stories have some similarities. My H also initially agreed to MC (called the counselor himself) and broke it off with OW initially. Seemed very sincere in his interest in reconciling but then pulled away and we separated for 10 days. Then agreed to MC and working on it again and then pulled away and we are now separated again since May 1 (at my request, I could not take his ambivalence anymore). He has never said he wants D but also never really committed to the work required to make this right. I have no evidence that he reconnected with OW but I've strongly suspected it. I am also most angry about the back and forth/ambivalence about working on the marriage. I don't get it and it's very frustrating. All I know for sure is he's clearly highly confused about what he really wants. How long I am willing to wait out his confusion, I am not sure.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
And our friends and family were utterly shocked. Not that we had an incredible marriage but everyone always thought we were a very compatible, happy couple. Looks are deceiving, I guess.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
My H called from overseas last night to talk to the kids. When they were done with him he asked to talk to me and I surprised myself by being able to feel friendly but detached. So we were able to have a light, friendly, brief conversation.
He apologized for being away. (Not his fault; necessary to his work). He apologized for "all this" -- the state of the marriage, basically.
Sometimes when we're having a good conversation via text he'll apologize for "all this" and because I feel like I have to acknowledge him I will just say "I hear you." On the phone or in person I try to just ignore it.
I don't know what his apology means to him. I don't know what my accepting it would mean to either of us. I don't know what exactly he is apologizing for (does it include OW?) or if he really means it. I accepted a lot of apologies before he moved out but they mean something different to me now. My understanding of an apology is that a change of behavior is implied (I'm SORRY I did that and I don't want to do it again), but since he's obviously not moving home or making moves to change the way he behaves in the relationship then it's hard to accept an apology for where it's at. Or I just don't have all the information about what he thinks it means and because I'm trying to be dim/avoid R talks I'm not going to probe for it.
Any thoughts?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
My H apologizes a lot, too. I think in my case my H is apologizing for the pain he's causing. I think that is sincere. He doesn't want to hurt me or our D7, but he feels like what he's doing is necessary for his happiness. That's the perspective I try to take when he apologizes and I try to accept it. Now, there is not an OW in my situation and I'm not sure how that would color my reaction if there was.
Giving him too much of my energy today. And he's not even on this continent. He texts the kids, and because S6 doesn't have his own device all those texts come to my phone. But he has't contacted me, except when he calls to talk to kids. Why should I care? I set the boundary about OW and I expect he will let our relationship die, so he doesn't have to do the hard thing of giving her up.
Then on the other hand I wonder why I would want to be with someone who never seemed to nurture our relationship or acknowledge that it needed nurturing. Or that *I* might need nurturing. Or that *he* needs nurturing -- always insisted he was fine, that he didn't need anyone to take care of him. If I did anything nice for him and ask if it mattered to him he'd say "well, that was really nice, but it wasn't necessary." I felt like I could never reach him.
So why am I pining after him? Why would I want to beat myself up with love for someone who doesn't care if I love him or not? (MC says it's the ADHD that makes him act that way... but this is all I know of him)
I wish I mattered to him. And also I wish I didn't care if I mattered to him. Not detached very well today, am I?
I had a great time out with friends last night, laughing our heads off. Going to church this morning then taking kids to see a movie we've been looking forward to for months. Tonight we'll have a real made-from-scratch dinner and then maybe play a board game or something. I'm so lucky to have so much of them at least through all this. I have been practicing my 180's with them since my H is out of the country and I feel like such a better, calmer person. I don't even care if he sees that because I can tell how it matters to my kids and how it matters to me. I sweat the small stuff less. Lots of GAL activities planned for this week.
Also my attorney appointment. I still don't really know what I'm going to do there. I'm anxious about the fact that I even HAVE an appointment with a divorce attorney. I never expected to be here.
Now I'm going to pull up my big-girl pants and get back to not letting him bother me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you are doing really well regardless of how you are feeling today.
You are doing all the rights things re: GAL and being a good mom. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Divorcebusting says patience is critical so keep that in mind, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
I feel like such a better, calmer person. I don't even care if he sees that because I can tell how it matters to my kids and how it matters to me. I sweat the small stuff less. Lots of GAL activities planned for this week. ... Now I'm going to pull up my big-girl pants and get back to not letting him bother me.
You got this, Maybell. Do you have a mantra? "I am better, and calmer, and it matters to my kids" has a nice ring to it. Repeat it to yourself (800 times a day, if needed), every time you feel down. Don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. It would be kind of weird if you weren't sad at all, right? But that doesn't mean you can't ALSO be strong and move on.
