[labug]

Yay!

[SemperFi00]

?

[labug]

re your breakthrough post #2451522

[SemperFi00]

Thanks labug.

It was insightful and has certainly made me more aware but I feel like for quite some time I have been moving away from having such expectations for anyone but myself. Others have to own their own expectations. And I feel much better about how I am approaching things……

All that is great, still leaves me with the questions of how to “show” W. Hopefully she sees the change in the way I interact with people……..

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before but I find it very interesting that as she moves down this path, she seems to have become more critical of others, less patient, more angry, quicker temper. And I have moved in the other direction.

Was interesting that somewhere earlier in this story one of the boys said something like “wow, who would have ever thought that mom would be the one flipping out and you would be calm”

[labug]

My sons have made similar observations.

[SemperFi00]

so that's a good thing right? they would have expected me to flip[ out and instead I am remaining relatively calm......

and at least they are noticing - even though I hate that they have to have this experience.

[labug]

I take it as a positive in the moment. Have you heard the old fable about the farmer and his son? Google farmer, horse, son, broken leg.

You mentioned that your W seemed more angry and quick-tempered. Have you ever had the experience when something is changing and you don't quite understand it or you feel unsure, off-balance, anger pops up? It does for me. I feel out of control and afraid and there it is, anger.

We, of course, don't know what's in W's head, but we do know change creates dissonance.

[SemperFi00]

So interesting comments labug.

I take it as a positive in the moment. Have you heard the old fable about the farmer and his son? Google farmer, horse, son, broken leg.

You mentioned that your W seemed more angry and quick-tempered. Have you ever had the experience when something is changing and you don't quite understand it or you feel unsure, off-balance, anger pops up? It does for me. I feel out of control and afraid and there it is, anger.

Yes, have felt this way before and understand the anger and attempts to control when feeling this way. In this current situation W is in control and creating the situation so not sure how she would feel out of control????

Is it possible that even she doesn’t like the situation she is creating / in but doesn’t know what / how to do anything else Or is she sensing something changing in me and that is the part that feels out of control to her??? maybe I am further along than I thought and I just can see all of the change because it has been gradual and I am too close to the situation........

We, of course, don't know what's in W's head, but we do know change creates dissonance.

Yes, certainly don’t know what is in her head – and most of the time in the current state not sure I would want to…….

Loved the fable by the way……. All about perspective and how things are viewed right?

[SemperFi00]

Trying to catch up on a couple of days of posting……

W and S15 have been out of town for his DI team competition (in TN). Very proud of him and his team – 2nd year in a row they have been either 1st or 2nd in the state. They were out of town from Tu – Su. Not much contact from W while out of town except when asking me to forward their flight information or to coordinate if I was picking them up at airport. Was not as bothersome as I would have thought – maybe that means the detachment is really setting in?????

S17 & S8 and I had a good time while they were gone. All of us worked well together getting ready for school/work, making meals taking care of the house etc…. Missed s16 but not W as much as I had expected to - again maybe it is the detachment thing.

W seems stressed about being back in the house and routine but I suppose I have to let her work that out. A little bit of mind reading there but I know her well and sense her moods. Also s16 walked into the laundry room on Sunday and said she was crying so not all mind reading……..

Poor kid said that he thought it was related to some of the teenage drama experienced on the trip. I didn’t quite have the heart to tell him anything different at this point - nor do I think it is my place.

And that ^^^^ I think is an example of one of the biggest differences in me from when this whole story started….. in the past I would have tried to make the house perfect for her return (laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc…), would have been expecting some sort of acknowledgement of my efforts and then been disappointed when I didn’t get it. Also would have tried to have helped solved the drama versus just listening, validating and asking a couple of clarifying questions…..

I did a great deal of housework so that the place wasn’t a wreck when she returned, did the lawn work for our house, helped s17 with lawnwork a neighbor. And feel that I did good enough without needing / expecting any external validation.

Not much change in W actions though – seemed to pick right up with maintaining distance…..

Ugh! I know for me why I remain standing and moving forward at this point but d@mn, it would be nice for W to begin to engage…. Or quite honestly to move on so that the rest of us can begin to heal - but this limbo spot is really tough. Hate feeling this way buy it is where I am at right now (and I know that the feelings will change given some time)!

[ces67]

Limbo is very tough. So is wishing someone would behave differently but they don't. What does "move on" mean to you for your wife?